Bullet with Butterfly Wings

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“If the butterfly wings its way to the sweet light that attracts it, it’s only because it doesn’t know that the fire can consume it.” ― Giordano Bruno

Follow your passion is a line we hear all the time. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all follow our passions? This drive towards passions has left many of us feeling bereft, useless, unfulfilled.

My passion, in my youth, was caring for animals and history, well, archaeology to be exact.

I have always had pets in my life. Currently, I have two cats, a dog, a bearded dragon, a budgie, a parrotlet, an Indian ringneck parakeet, a hamster, a 125 gallons aquarium and two smaller aquariums. Passion one met, in a way. I had wanted to be a veterinarian, but around the age of 11 I found out that vets had to euthanize animals…that dream came crashing down instantly.

I went to university and pursued my love of ancient history and archaeology. I even managed to get two degrees (BAs) in those subjects. Then I got married. My dream fell to the wayside. I kept telling myself – I could always return to school and get my master’s eventually. That never happened. Instead, real life happened. Children, bills, mortgages, divorce, remarriage, another child. I’m not an outgoing or assertive person. I have horrible anxiety. So, when someone tells me – oh you should talk to so-and-so about working in your field of story. I don’t do it. I feel too awkward and anxious to ask.

I have yet to find a career that I find fulfilling or that lights my passions. We need to stop lighting that fire that burns up the lives of so many. Yes, encourage people to follow their dreams, but also make sure to add in realistic expectations.

This is something I have struggled with. It drives my depression. I do my best to encourage my children to do what makes them happy. I think that is the key. There is nothing wrong with being happy, even if it isn’t in your dream job or career. We put so much emphasis on chasing dreams that we forget that sometimes dreams are just that.

I’ve heard money doesn’t make you happy. All I can say is that whomever said that, never had to struggle with bills or feed a family. They never had people judge them for being a have-not. They never felt overwhelmed by feelings of failure. No, money would not solve everything, but, damn, would it ever make life a bit easier if you didn’t have to worry about that mortgage.

I drive to work every morning in a line of traffic of people all doing the same. I sit in my office, working; a worker ant filling the coffers of the rich. I drive home in a line of traffic of people all doing the same. Day in, day out. Some days I just wonder what is it all for. I’m not working my passion. I’m happy-ish. I support my family, I take care of everything.

The world has drained my spirit, and I’ve become too tired of soul to argue anymore.

The Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly Wings

Flow Like Poe

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“So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa

I’m so stinking happy about this! I don’t usually like to share when I do something for others. If I wanted the recognition, I’d ask for it, but I don’t. That being said, this, THIS has to be advertised so people will know to use it!

I put up a Little Free Library! It even has a little Google website (nothing fancy) https://the-walker-library.business.site/, just waiting for my verification card. It’s a legitimate, chartered LFL charter number 127002, and I’m on the Little Free Library Map https://littlefreelibrary.org/ourmap/. I have plans to frame the library in reclaimed wood (pallets for the win!) and add a planted top to it with food plants maybe, haven’t decided that for sure. All along the edge of the yard from the library is a tilled line that has a secret – sunflowers, peas, and wildflowers have been seeded there (I’ll take updated photos and add them here when I get the chance).

The photo below is from day one. I know, I know, it really doesn’t look like your typical LFL. I got this mini fridge for free. Bought the spray paint and went for it. The lettering is crooked (I thought it was straight until I stood it up *facepalm*). There’s a small water feature beside it (a HUGE old flower pot water sealed), if you’re lucky you may even find a ripe strawberry on the plant tucked in beside it, and there’s a tiny hydrangea growing there too! The stone you see around it was all salvaged for free either from my yard of from someone I found on marketplace.

I’ve seen some kids come and use it. I hope to keep it full to the brim all year long (may be hard in winter, but I’ll try!). It’s geared for all ages, but definitely has more children’s/youth books…for now. I’m trying to focus on using free/donated materials mostly, including books. Once the frame goes up, there’ll even be a donation box for the local animal shelter, Oromocto and Area SPCA https://www.facebook.com/OromoctoandAreaSPCA. I love this shelter so much and have adopted from them, well, more than once. They are the epitome of what a shelter should be.

Anyways, I just had to share. Amongst all my depression and anxiety, this is something that makes me giddy happy.

MC Lars – Flow Like Poe

Here Comes The Sun

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“May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

Summer has hit the ground running, and so have I. I’ve been keeping a secret – I’ve finally managed to start losing weight (in a healthy way) AND have energy! Yes, I still have MS fatigue, but I am motivated. I want to move constantly, even when in pain.

My yard is not large, but I love it. I have worked on the gardens there, worked on the plants, cleaning up old growth, overgrown vine, pear trees that were left to run with no one to tend them. A beautiful rose bush left to be scraggly and gnarled were cut back last year and are growing in a lush, full green. I can’t wait to see them bloom. There was a lilac bush left to grow into a gnarled, ragged tree. I trimmed it far back as well; the new green is full and gorgeous.

There was a raised garden bed left to overgrow, the only decent remnants were chives and mint left wild and full. Those beds have been tilled under, the chives moved (though ants remain in them, so they await replanting). A new, smaller, garden was tilled (all work by me) with new plants to start.

The new garden bed.
Old bed tilled under

I’ll need to take more photos of the front and full back. The branches you see around the perimeter where the trimings from the overgrown trees that I turned into a fence like structure. I absolutely love the feel of it all. My only complaint – ANTS! There are ants everywhere.

The sun has brought light back into my life – literally and figuratively. I want to be outside. I want to dig my toes into the ground and squish the soil. I want my hands to be soiled from the work I’ve down. I want the rabbits to come play, and the birds to come feed.

Here comes the sun, and I’m going to worship it every day that I can.

The Beetles – Here Comes The Sun

Where Are You Going?

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“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein

What a month this has been. Not even half way through June, and so much has happened, is happening, will happen!

My 19 year old son is on the cusp of graduating! I’m so proud of him. He has FASD. If you don’t know what that is, it’s Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. His birth mother drank while pregnant, causing a great many neurological issues for my sweet boy. That said, he has constantly strived for what he wants. The past week alone he has past his learner’s driving test (YES!) and will finally graduate with his GED that he worked so hard to get. He even has full time work on a farm. To say this momma is proud would be an understatement. I can’t take the credit though. He has been staying with a caregiver who is trained in assisting those with issues like my son’s. She has been my super hero, a guardian angel that swooped in and made life so much better for all of us. My son’s mind is active, he is constantly thinking of what he wants to do with his life, how he wants to do it, where he wants to go, and so on. He has a huge heart, and his spirit shines so bright.

In other news, my parrotlet, Kalypso, has started laying eggs! My budgie, Pi, has become her mate/guardian and even injured himself trying to keep me away. Oh my. The eggs will not be fertile, budgies and parrotlets are from two very different genera. If you’d like to see a little video of them, feel free to head over to my Instagram (link on the sidebar). They are so adorable. The eggs will remain until about 20 days after the last one is laid. If I remove them any sooner, it will cause Kalypso to lay more, and that could be very harmful to her. Parrotlets can lay up to 8 eggs every other day in one breeding season!

Schools almost over for my youngest. He’s so excited to start summer, and we are so fortunate for our lives.

This, then, brings me to a very important current happening, something that needs to be talked about.

Many people in Canada, and around the World, were shocked to hear of the discover of 215 children at a former Residential School. Some calling it a dark part of Canada’s history. What a load of shit. The last Residential school closed in 1996. I graduated in 1992. I graduated university in 1997. I grew up knowing how horrible these children were treated. I don’t know if it’s because of where I was raised of my family dynamic, or that I had friends and loved ones who are First Nations. Maybe a combination of all those and the fact that I have a thirst for knowledge.

My mom’s family (as mentioned in the previous post) is Acadian from Northern New Brunswick. I’m not going to paint it with rainbows and fairy dust, but for the most part I grew up hearing how wonderful First Nations treated Acadians, especially during the horror of the deportations by the English (we know we have family that were separated from us, but we don’t know where they ended up).

My dad’s family is Welsh. My grandparents immigrated to Ontario around 1938/39. My dad’s oldest brother was born in Wales, followed by my dad who was born in Canada. If you don’t know the history of the Welsh, let’s just say the English treated them just as good as they did the Acadians and for centuries longer. The Welsh weren’t allowed to speak their own language, it’s amazing it has survived and now there are many Welsh schools in Wales.

I do know how to speak French, my mother insisted on it. I have struggled to learn Welsh. My dad spoke Welsh at home until he was school aged, then it was all English. He remembers a few words, but not much else.

Why am I explaining my family history in this context? I think because I feel like it shines a light on perspective. I was raised by families who had endured hardships. That being said, I’m white. I completely understand and see my privilege. If you see me on the street, you’re most likely going to judge me by my tattoos or lack of make up, not my skin colour. That is wrong on a level I can’t even put into words. There are those who have been born with this privilege, but they lack the perspective to see and understand it. They lash out with terms that are meant to demean, all the while showing how fragile their own self image truly is.

The fact that First Nations children were so heinously abused for just wanting to speak their mother tongue is absurdly cruel. They were harmed for things any white child would never have been even scolded for. I’ve started to read the names of the dead First Nations children, starting from A. The list is long. My pronunciation is atrocious, I am sure. I will persevere in reading each and every one. Their names deserve to be heard, I just wish their birth names, not Christian moniker, but true First Nations birth names were written therein. Some do, you can tell which ones. It breaks my heart and hurts my soul to see so much pain. I’ve tried to put myself in the shoes of their families, and I can’t. It would quite literally break me if someone stole my children from me and sent them away to such a place.

I’ve said it before, I will say it again – the depths of human depravity never cease to amaze me.

If you want to learn more, please visit The Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s page – http://www.trc.ca/index.html. Here you can find more information, resources, children’s books that can help open up a conversation about Residential Schools – I firmly believe they need to be taught this, it is not just of historic importance, it is important CURRENT issue.

My heart is with you. My eyes see you. My mind thinks of you. My spirit weeps with you.

Dave Matthews Band – Where Are You Going