The Gambler

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done”
Songwritter  Don Schlitz

I’ve loved this song since – well – probably since it was released in 1978 (I was 4, my dad LOVED, and still loves, country music). I’m not a big country fan; more often than not it grates on my nerves so much that I want to punch something, but I digress…

There’s so much truth in this song.

“Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die
in your sleep.”

I see this as a metaphor for how you react to life’s bumps and bruises, joys and hopes. You can sit down with what you’ve been dealt and cry your eyes out, or you can sit with it and think of how fortunate you are. Life can be shit. I know life can be shit. Hard to see the good when it feels as though you’re being engulfed in a flood of depression, self-loathing, tragedy, and loss.

My depression has been engulfing me. I was going to say lately, but let’s be real – it’s been way longer than just lately. I’ve put weight back on, I’ve had so much stress that my skin itches, I’ve migraines almost on the daily, and I can barely sleep. But you know what – I STILL have hope. I still have the light in my sights so that I can have that winner hand.

I’ll not let the hands I’m given weigh me down. Sometimes they do, not going to lie. Getting back up, walking with my head held high, I’m climbing up that mountain – weight on my back, and I’m going to reach that top and over to greener pastures.

I do a lot of soul searching. I have a lot of self-doubt. In the end, I know that I am the one responsible for my internal peace and happiness. I can’t change the shit that goes on around me. I can’t stop asshole teenagers from beating up my son (yes, happened last week), I can’t stop my children growing. I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t wave a wand and my anxiety leave me forever or my depression for that matter. I CAN work my ass off to make life the best I can.

I want to THRIVE not just survive. I plan on making sure my hand’s a good one, and I’ll lay all bets that I’m going to thrive.

Kenny Rogers – The Gambler

Posted in The Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Classic WoW!!! WOOT!

AHHHHHH!!! WoW Classic FTW!

A Toast to 15 Years

This makes me want to resub…I miss you old WoW…I need dis

I be like

[Leeroy:] Alright chums, (I’m back)! Let’s do this… LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIIIIIIINS! [runs into Rookery] (context below)

All the nostalgic feels…I first subbed to WoW in October 2007. I remember the Rookery (and got the title!). Sigh…I need to budget for this goddamit…at least I have chicken…

The Guild – Do You Wanna Date My Avatar –

The Guild – Game On

Posted in Geekery & Games | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Under Pressure

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” ― George Orwell, 1984

This whole summer has been a stress bomb of pressure. We’re still trying to sell our house, my older kids’ dad died on Canada day (we had divorced long ago), we lost one of our cats, my adopted son was officially diagnosed with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder), my daughter graduated (YAY!) and has decided to join the Air Force.

I’ve been sick, struggling, working my ass off, renovating, cleaning, caring for everyone as much as I am physically able to.

Here’s one of my favourite pictures of my Indian Ringneck, Kira.

20190607_072817

Not hard to tell she’s full of character…and she makes me so happy! Even throught all of the stress, ups and downs, and life – my pets are the best therapy ever.

Now – to find a house for us to move into! I had hoped we would be moved before the baby of our family starts school this year. Yes, I had one graduate (a year late, but she did it!) and one starting!!! I may be a bit insane…

Queen ft David Bowie – Under Pressure

Posted in The Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Put up a parking lot

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” ― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

I went outside for a walk today.

I heard the sounds of lawnmowers, the sounds of traffic and vehicles.

I heard a singular bird chirping in the distance.

I heard a Canada goose honk in the distance.

I did not hear insects.

No hum of bees amongst the dandelions.

No frog croaks.

Only one bird chirping.

Where I work is surrounded by woods within the uptown of a city.

In years past it would be nothing to see the geese in the pond, their chicks growing like wild flowers.

The birds would be a cacophony of music against the thrum of society.

Even the breeze seems to have lost it’s bluster…

What have we done?

Joni Mitchell – Big Yellow Taxi

Posted in The Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Breathe

“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” ― J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

I have an adopted child with FASD who has gone downhill in recent years to the point of us losing hope.

If you know what Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder is, than you know what I’m feeling right now. You know why I chose the Rowling quote and the song below.

I love my child with every fibre of my being

My heart is broken.

I no longer know how to help my child. There’s so much to their story that I wouldn’t know where to start nor would I want it aired for everyone. The nuances and complexities of the familial arrangements surrounding us all both add and reduce the turmoil.

I’m exhausted beyond.

Melissa Etheridge – Breathe

Posted in The Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment