About a week ago we finally saw the end to a week long power outage. Seriously. We had a tropical storm come trundling through our area, everyone believed it would hit very south of us. It didn’t. Lots of bluster, lots of rain and no power. We left the day it hit to head to my in-laws for a few days (it was actually a planned trip, it wasn’t due to the weather). When we got to our intended destination (which was where the storm was supposed to hit), everything was clear and just a bit windy. Weather is so interesting.
By the time we got home we had lost everything in our fridge and freezer – by freezer, I mean the little one attached to the fridge, we don’t actually have a deep freeze (I know, we’re odd). It sucked, but was actually an opportunity to toss out all the crap we had, and start over with fresh, healthy options. Around this time a friend introduced me to Sparkpeople.
You see, I need to lose weight. I know, I know – a lot of people tell me that as long as I am healthy that weight shouldn’t be an issue. Well, it is for me and always has been. I’m 5’1″ and I won’t tell you my weight because I am thoroughly embarrassed about it. I’m under 200 lbs, so that’s something, right? My health is definitely affected. My joints ache, my back is in pain when I wake up in the morning and I KNOW it’s because my abdominal muscles are – well – non-existent at this point. About 10 years ago I had managed to lose 60 lbs. This time I’m hoping to lose about 70 lbs, if not a bit more. According to certain sites a healthy weight for a woman my size is between 97.9 and 132.3 lbs as per .
This undertaking is huge for me (no pun intended). This has been my week. Restocking for a healthier me and family, trying to eat right, feeling extreme guilt and disgust when I don’t eat something healthy, feeling tired, weighed down, and downright horrid for not losing a single goddamn pound. NOT ONE. I am a breastfeeding mom with 3 kids. I have walked a lot this week, I have watched my portions. Even ONE pound would have been nice.
So to this end, if you are on Sparkpeople – add me. GWENAJONES is my user name (all lower case). I could use all the help (and positive encouragement!) I can get!
Also – if you have thoughts on good exercises to do at home with children present (aka 6 month old baby), please share, I’d love to learn some!
Life Through My Eyes 
I am exactly 5 feet tall. I weigh, well I don’t know how much I weigh, because I haven’t stepped on a scale in years. I know it’s probably over 200 #. I started gaining weight when I was three. When I was a youngster of 25 or 30. I nearly killed myself dieting. The word self-loathing was invented just for me. I hated myself, I hated my fatness and I hated my life. I made myself and everyone around me miserable with my self-obsession. I got so tired of it.
In 1997, I came face to face with my mortality. it made me realize something. Life is too short and too wonderful to be miserable all the time. I had all those little monsters in my head, as you spoke of in another of your postings, always telling me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, and so on. I just wasn’t enough, period. So I banished those monsters. It wasn’t easy, even today after so many years, they’d come back if I let them. I am now 62 years old, still fat and sassy and happy with myself. That;s the big secret. If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will.
Do this and it will be a lot easier to reach your goals, of losing weight or whatever else. I never lost the weight. For one thing, I discovered I had a thyroid problem which my doctors had missed and for another, it just didn’t seem that important to me, anymore. Sure it would’ve been nice to be thin but not if I had to kill myself and make everyone around me miserable to do it.
Let go of the self-hatred, learn to love yourself and hold yourself in the highest regard and everything else will fall into place. It will be so much easier on you. I wish you well and much goodness.
I try. At 41 I’ve been battling these demons for a while some days are better than others. I know I need to let go of the self hate. It’s damn hard though.