The Monster in my Head

Sounds so ominous, doesn’t it? I am, by admission, my own worse enemy. The fighter in me wants to destroy that Monster, negative self-talk and anxiety. I’ve tried for years and occasionally I win a battle, but I have never won the war. Constant voices of self-doubt, self-humiliation, self-deprecation, self-bullying (because, really, that is what it is) drag down my ability to be content in life, and, in the end, drag down my health.

One merely has to look at me in a quirky or different way and those voices become a screaming chorus. “What did I do wrong?”; “Why are they looking at me like that? Do I say something stupid?”; “Why did I have to say that?”; “Why bother looking in the mirror, you look like a fat slob and you know it.”; “You really think they care about you or what you think?”; “Why bother trying to lose weight, it won’t change that you’re a freak?” That, my friends, is just a sampling of the self-talk in my head…not to mention the conversations I dream of having should I develop some confidence and self-worth.

I’m not all dreary, I can assure you. My confidence is better than it was and I do hold a full-time position. I love my job, I enjoy the people I work with, but I always have doubts. When in a particular bad place I always call my husband or email a friend. It’s so important to have people you can trust to talk to!

I know that there is another monster in there sometimes, a lot of times actually. Depression. I hate that word and the monster it creates. Combined with ADD – I have a detrimental ability of wanting to get things done, wanting it now and having absolutely no energy or will-power to do it. It’s so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t contend with these issues. Anxiety can be crippling, Depression draining, and ADD a confusion wash of diversions and distractions. Than add a case of mild MS to the mix.

Hmmm…the best I can liken it to for someone who doesn’t ‘get’ it is this – picture wanting to run a race, you start your race at the same pace as the others, but then someone from the sidelines comes and puts a bag of stones in your arms. You now have to carry those stones and try to keep up. You manage for a time, it’s hard, but you can do it. Next thing you know – another bag is heaved onto your back. Now your starting to struggle and fall behind. The pace is half that of the others, but you are still in the race. All of a sudden, you become mired in quicksand – you didn’t see it because of the stones in your arms that blocked your view. You can’t move, you’re struggling to break free. You’re exhausted. You just want to lay down and rest. You want to close your eyes and pretend that you don’t have the stones, and you aren’t mired in quicksand, but there is no escape until someone comes to help you.

I think that’s a pretty good analogy of how I feel. I can keep up, I can maintain, but then something happens and I become mired, entrenched, in that quicksand. It’s so hard to get out. I have an amazing family and 99% of the time I am able to keep up with everyone, but that 1% of the time, I just want to lay my head down and rest. No joy in the world could drag me out of it.

It sucks, and that’s an understatement. I want to get everything done, I want to function at 100% 100% of the time. I want to have the energy of my kids and get up and go. I’m also under the weather this week so that is no doubt where this post comes from. It is born out of frustration, a frustration brought out of stagnation and a desire to get myself into a good place, and out of the dark.

Queen – I’m Going Slightly Mad

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