One stride at a time in the rain

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss (Source: Goodreads)

Depression. Such a dirty word. Isn’t it? It can tear down even the most robust of dreams and strip it down to dust. No one wants to talk about it, and they certainly don’t want to hear about it.

Just be happy! Just smile! It’s not that bad! Silver linings, rainbows and all that jazz.

Just no.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”
Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl (Source: Goodreads)

It seems strange to me, living in my privileged life (privileged in that I have never had to fight for my life, food, or home), that I have such a hard time seeing the beauty around me at my low times. I should always be grateful for what I have. I have 3 beautiful, wonderful children. I have a home, I have a wonderful husband, dear friends, pets that I adore. Yet, I sometimes feel so much darkness inside that it erodes at everything…my ability to feel, hope, dream, work, everything. I hate it.

Very few who know me personally would notice that side of me. I’m bubbly, appear extroverted and confident – there’s my mask.

It’s so much easier to escape into a daydream than worry about the day.

I think this rainy day has taken an unforeseen toll on me. I didn’t realize I was in such a dour mood. I do have hope though. Hope that I can work through it all. I am also realizing that a part of my mood today is that pain I am in (physical that is). I have a constant ache in my lower back on the right side from my fall last week. I’m almost out of anti-inflammatories and will have to switch to OTC ones. I’m tired, I’m sookie, I just want to snuggle with my youngest and rest. I can’t though, I have to work. I’ve missed too many days already.

This is when I need to harness what little will power I have and try to avoid stress eating. My worse habit if I do say so myself. I’m in pain, feeling very low and all I want are sweets. Gah!

Les Misérables, Samantha Barks – On My Own

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