“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates  (Source: Goodreads)

If food is my medicine than it is no small wonder that I need so much medicine. I have been emailing with a friend about eating – good and bad. She gets frustrated with me, I get frustrated with me…and angry. Yet, I am stuck in some kind of a cruel loop of wanting to eat healthy, beginning my day eating incredibly healthy, and spending the rest of my day attempting to avoid crap and failing miserably.

I want to lose weight and I want to do it NOW. Not when the pain is gone, not when my kids are all grown, not when I stop being stressed (HAHAHA), not when it is good for anyone else. I want it NOW.

So what’s the problem? I don’t know. I feel trapped in my body. I get angry and have immense self-loathing for myself. I get caught in a loop of knowing what I need to do, hating myself, punishing myself by eating crap, hating that I allowed that and the cycle continues. I’m miserable physically and mentally. I want it to change NOW.

I need to be patient and kind to myself. It’s ok if I screw up once in a while. It’s ok to not be fit immediately. It’s ok that I’m focusing on getting rid of pain. It’s ok if I can’t walk today, go tomorrow. It’s ok to feel lost once in a while. It’s ok to hurt, just remember to live.

It’s ok to want more out of life, but put action to those words don’t just pay it lipservice.

It’s ok to want to stay home. You are allowed to be a hermit, so long as you remember who your friends are and to stay in contact so they know you still care.

It’s ok to want to hang out with your kids. You love them, they are your world.

It’s ok to want something for yourself like music lessons. YOU deserve to have something just for you.

It’s ok to want to change, but be prepared to deal with the outcome.

It’s ok.

It really is.

Just breathe…

Anna Nalick – Breathe (2 AM)