“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.

I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.

This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.

Eminem – The Monster (Explicit) Ft. Rihanna