“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost

The doctor has added another medication to my list – one for the anxiety. I think it’s working…or maybe it’s the lack of sleep making me so numb. I feel completely zoned out, sometimes so hyper focused I don’t hear what people say to me.

The pros of being on a ADD medication and an anxiety medication when you have MS is that I am now able to stay awake and focus. My anxiety today is – well – null. The con – I feel numb. Comfortably numb maybe? I don’t know. All  I know is that for the first time in months I don’t feel worried or scared or completely awful. I was awake at 3:30 am thanks to my tot and I am still functional at 2:35 pm.

This hasn’t happened to me in about 20 years. It’s an interesting sensation – functional, awake. I wonder if I only think I am numb because my mind isn’t racing a million miles an hour. Is this what normal feels like? It’s…interesting.

If I had to describe it or ascribe words to it, I would say I feel like an automaton (if one can know what that feels like), a manikin, something less than real. It’s very surreal to not have my mind racing. I like not having a panic attack (been having them almost daily), but I’m not sure how much I am enjoying the silence. It’s odd. Off-putting.

hmmm. I guess for now I’ll just have to be comfortably numb…

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb