Roar

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.

When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.

As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.

That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.

Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.

Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.

I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.

I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.

The only problem is – I’m not a good me.

Katy Perry – Roar

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In defence of Dirk

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” ― Douglas AdamsThe Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

If you haven’t yet watched the 2 seasons of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agengy, do yourself a favour now and go watch it. Seriously – go binge watch that shit. I’ll be here waiting…

…Now that you’ve watched it you can feel just as sanctimoniously ticked off as I am over it being CANCELLED! Shit is like Firefly all over again! BBC AMERICA, WHY!!!???

I NEED to know what happens to Bart and Dirk and Todd and Amanda and Farah. Oh, and the Rowdy 3…

I love the craziness of the series, I love the absolutely nonsense and the absolute rawness that comes with truth that is revealed in it! It’s probably one of the most imaginative, unique shows I have seen in so, so long.

And now I need the books. I had no idea the show was based on a Douglas Adams series (I’ve not read any of his works…don’t mock me, I keep meaning to read HGG). Books are almost always better than the screen material – almost…

There’s a petition that has been created to try to get Netflix to give the show a 3rd season. Of course, I have to share it!

Renew Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency for Season 3/Future Seasons

Now go sign that shit!

The Rowdy 3 – Extended (theme from Dirk Gently)

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Hello

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ― Marthe Troly-Curtin

It’s been a while. Please sit, and stay a bit…I’ve got a confession to make…

My name is Gwen, and I have an addiction.

Freshwater aquariums.

Sounds innocent enough, right? WRONG!

First, you get a small aquarium, but you research and you know that your little betta needs a bigger one. You upgrade. You add plants. Then you get a great deal off kijiji for an even bigger tank!

The HOBs (Hang On the Back) filters it came with aren’t good enough though…not in your mind. So you get better ones. You put MORE plants in. More fish. One filter isn’t enough! No, no, you need another.

That canopy it came with – it looks terrible over top of all those beautiful fish and that fluorescent light looks horrible. You need glass and LED!

Then you end up with this – 55 g

A 55 gallon freshwater aquarium full of beautiful tetras, and other fish…with hitchhicker pond snails about to be gobbled up by assassin snails (WOOHOO!). The tank came with 2 HOB filters…they would have been adequate. BUT not nearly as sleek as the cannister and submersible in-tank filters. I have more plants on the way – specifically mosses. I love this thing.

Here’s a little video of it about a month ago before I got the in-tank filter – . I’ll try to take a new video of it soon…promise.

Here’s two of my favourite ‘babies’ in this one –

Saphire

Saphire – Female veiltail betta

Dory (male veiltail betta)

Dory the male veiltail betta – don’t judge me, my 3 year old named him after watching Finding Dory.

I also love this thing – 9 gallon Fluval Flex that will be my shrimp tank. The plants have grown significantly since this photo. Sharp eyes will see Starburst the veiltail betta and Mr. Snail the mystery snail. That sad brown patch in the front is Christmas moss…which I am pretty sure has officially died. It’s being replaced soon. I’m getting some blue velvet and long nose algae eating shrimp tomorrow! YAY!9 g

Here’s my favourite baby in this one –

Starburst

Starburst – male veiltail betta…wish the iridescent areas would come out more in photos!

Sidebar – I had an MRI on Friday evening…every time I hear the song below it reminds me of being in the machine. Also, I find MRI’s relaxing – it’s the only time NO ONE wants my attention LOL! Not sure if it’s my MS flaring or what though, I felt nauseated and weird after this one. No contrast was used either…weird.

Martin Solveig & Dragonette – Hello

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Marco Polo

“One thing you can’t hide – is when you’re crippled inside.” ― John Lennon

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar WildeThe Picture of Dorian Gray

Life often throws us curves and sends us on a voyage across a sea of emotions.

They sway and stagger with the rise and fall of the waves being thrown their way.

For some, it is easy to hide. For others – they simply try to navigate through the waves as best they can with the tools they have.

I wonder, sometimes, how ancient mariners navigated the open oceans with no idea what they would or could encounter. How do our lives even compare to that massive unknown.

Looking up at the night sky, I wonder how my ancestors made their way in life. Did they let their emotions roll them or did they flow with the currents…

Loreena McKennitt – Marco Polo

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Somebody’s Someone

“When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ― Luke DaviesCandy

Addiction IS a disease. You can see someone everyday and not realise they have an addiction. They may show signs once in a while, but rarely do you see the whole picture until shit hits the fan.

I’ve known people throughout my life who have suffered from one form of addiction to another. Some you would NEVER know, others were painfully obvious.

The one thing all have in common are the questions – why are they doing it? Aren’t they afraid of losing everything? Can’t they control it? What is WRONG with them? The flip side to those are of course related to the ones who care for them and usually people accusing them of enabling the addiction.

Addicts don’t want to be addicts. They have an impulse so strong to attain that which they are addicted to that nothing matters. Consequences are not part of the equation, until the shit hits the fan. They would rather beg forgiveness and let go in the moment. Until everyone has left them to their own devices, the addict will always feel that things will be OK (not necessarily in the OK way non-addicts would see life).

Just remember to be kind. No matter what happens. Be kind to the homeless addict, your kindness may be the only one they get. Be kind to the loved one struggling with what to do, yours may be the only kindness that helps. Be kind to the people who work with addicts, they deal with a huge burden of care most of us could not even imagine.

Remember to act with kindness and love, you never know the path that lead someone to where they are. Remember that that person is somebody’s someone and that somebody loves them.

Daphne Willis – Somebody’s Someone

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