Free Bird

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” ― Leo TolstoyAnna Karenina

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” ― Anne Frank

It’s been a while since I posted, I know. So much has been going on, so much happening.

I have three children.

My eldest was to graduate this year, she isn’t – and that is totally ok. She wasn’t ready, she definitely needed another year. No one is perfect. I love her unconditionally – she has to do what she has to do. She’s had a rough few years emotionally, mentally, and socially. She’s got this.

My middle child is in grade 10 (well, just finished). His challenges have expanded exponentially this year. We found out for sure that his birth mother drank while pregnant…a lot. This was that final key that fit the lock of who he is. Gawd I love my son. Gawd my son drains me so much. I’m not going to describe it all. It’s not fair to him to do so. Needless to say, No one is perfect. I love my son unconditionally, but I am exhausted. We all are.

My youngest child has yet to begin school. He’s four and won’t turn five until January. This means, in my area, that he won’t begin kindergarten until 2019. That’s fine with me. Children need to be able to be children. A few months back, my intrepid explorer of a son decided that climbing on his dresser was a great, fun idea. He slipped. He broke his right forearm – the ulna straight through, the tibia in several smaller cracks causing it to bow (it was horrid to see, my poor boy). It has healed wonderfully, but he is now scared of heights. It doesn’t stop him. It hasn’t slowed him down. Our family doctor said to us one day last year – don’t be surprised if he has ADHD as well (the older two do). All I could think was – no kidding! No one is perfect. I love my son unconditionally just the way he is. He has a lot to learn and I know he has got this!

I adopted a parrotlet. Kalypso (she has her own insta if you want to check her out @kalypsotheparrotlet) is sweet, tame, and so so so spoiled LOL! Just look at her! She was born February 5th, 2018 – so she just turned four months old ❤ I got her after losing one of my budgies, Lemondrop (RIP my sweet baby). I wanted a parrot species that would live longer, was heartier, and tame. Kalypso is all that and more. She makes me so happy.

Such a pretty baby ❤

I know this post seems random. I’m tired. I’m trying to dig myself out of a hole. It’s slowly working. Depression is a wicked attacker. I’m finally starting to win…this time.

What I really want to stand out from this – no one is perfect. Stop fighting to be perfect – fight to be happy, fight to feel amazing – but not perfect! Perfection is an illusion perpetuated by false perceptions of the world around us. Flawed, happy people are the best – they know what real happiness is. Love you for you.

Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird

One stride at a time in the rain

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss (Source: Goodreads)

Depression. Such a dirty word. Isn’t it? It can tear down even the most robust of dreams and strip it down to dust. No one wants to talk about it, and they certainly don’t want to hear about it.

Just be happy! Just smile! It’s not that bad! Silver linings, rainbows and all that jazz.

Just no.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”
Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl (Source: Goodreads)

It seems strange to me, living in my privileged life (privileged in that I have never had to fight for my life, food, or home), that I have such a hard time seeing the beauty around me at my low times. I should always be grateful for what I have. I have 3 beautiful, wonderful children. I have a home, I have a wonderful husband, dear friends, pets that I adore. Yet, I sometimes feel so much darkness inside that it erodes at everything…my ability to feel, hope, dream, work, everything. I hate it.

Very few who know me personally would notice that side of me. I’m bubbly, appear extroverted and confident – there’s my mask.

It’s so much easier to escape into a daydream than worry about the day.

I think this rainy day has taken an unforeseen toll on me. I didn’t realize I was in such a dour mood. I do have hope though. Hope that I can work through it all. I am also realizing that a part of my mood today is that pain I am in (physical that is). I have a constant ache in my lower back on the right side from my fall last week. I’m almost out of anti-inflammatories and will have to switch to OTC ones. I’m tired, I’m sookie, I just want to snuggle with my youngest and rest. I can’t though, I have to work. I’ve missed too many days already.

This is when I need to harness what little will power I have and try to avoid stress eating. My worse habit if I do say so myself. I’m in pain, feeling very low and all I want are sweets. Gah!

Les Misérables, Samantha Barks – On My Own