“Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather.” ― Robert Jordan
Mental health is a battle. A battle with yourself. A battle with society. A battle with perception. A battle with judgement.
Battles aren’t meant to be fought alone. A soldier never enters a field without his fellows.
When I hear the word battle, I think of something tragic, hard, frustrating, painful. Mental health is all of those…and more.
No one chooses to have to deal with all that. No one wakes up in the morning thinking, “Hey, I think I’ll be depressed today and not function in life.” Who wants that? No ONE.
With chronic illness, comes a host of chronic issues. Depression. Anxiety. Fatigue. Feelings of inadequacy. Regret. Fear. All of those and so much more.
Every day I wake up, I prepare myself for battle. Some days, I rock it. I win that day. Others, I flounder and trip over the simplest things and feel the judgement of the world on my shoulders.
“Love yourself!” That’s what I always hear from others. “You will never be happy with yourself, until you love yourself.” I really wish it was that easy. I envy those who are capable of doing just that.
Every day I wake up wondering if I will ever be enough. Enough for my husband. Enough for my children. Enough for my pets. Enough for my job.
I want to sleep. Not the regular type. I want to curl up in my bed and not move for days. But my body aches throughout the night, my bladder wakes me up. My hips tell me I can’t lay for too long and I have to keep moving. I have to keep going. I have to keep working.
For now, I have to keep moving. The weight of everything weighs on me, and I have no idea how to set myself free.
First, let me start off by saying I am feeling MUCH better this week mentally.
Backstory time – I am overweight. I am positive I have mentioned this before. I have not always been overweight. Before I had my first child I was pretty small. Then I ballooned, almost literally – I swelled with her, had high blood pressure. I was ‘eating for two’. *facepalm*. It took me two or three years but I managed to lose almost ALL of the weight. I felt fucking fantastic.
Then I got separated.
Then I went through custody issues, divorce, teens, increased asthma, allergies and that oh so great MS diagnosis.
Needless to say – I gained weight.
When some people get stressed – they lose weight. Oh, not me. When I get stressed, I eat. I eat, I eat, and did I mention that I eat? You get the picture. Throw into that mix a completely fubared metabolism thanks to stress, MS, etc., and you get me. A very low self-esteem, 41 year old mom would dreams of being fit again.
This all snowballed a few weeks ago into desperation. I went on the It Works website and scanned around for their miracle weight loss products. Try not to laugh too hard. Please. I purchased three items. One I had used before – their It Works Greens…which are actually really good. I then purchased the Ultimate Thermofit and Formula FF.
I won’t go into details as to whether they work or not, or anything like that. What I can tell you is this – I am allergic to dandelions. One of these products contains…you guessed it…dandelions. I thought nothing of that simple ingredient (and maybe it wasn’t it, but I doubt it). Within a mere week of use I went from emotionally being not too bad, to verging on suicidal.
I won’t lie. I’m on a lot of medications and I hate 90% of them. The day after I stopped taking these two products, I started to improve. On the advice of my chiropractor (who is amazeballs) I started taking probiotics and adrenal support (Adrena Sense is the one I’m using). I feel so much better.
I DO NOT blame the product. I KNEW I was allergic to dandelions (although, to be fair, I did not see the ingredients until it arrived). It was possibly just the one item that caused the issues. I didn’t play with them to find out.
We have a smart TV with Gaiam TV. I’m going to do what I planned initially and start my day with yoga and end it with yoga. We have a gym in my building. I am paying my membership fee TODAY and starting to go Monday (I would go tomorrow but I’m using my lunch hour to help a friend). I am going tonight to buy a butt-load of groceries – a project I’ve been planning for months. Meal plans in the works, I always have a green smoothie in the morning (it’s a habit I love). Now for more healthy options and moving, moving, moving.
I don’t care about being skinny, I DO care about being healthy. I want to keep up with my 19 month old. I want to get off some of my medications if I can. I want to LIVE.
Now – about that toothy matter…and another reason for the post – a cracked tooth.
For about a month and a bit I’ve had odd tooth ache/jaw ache and couldn’t pinpoint the source. I finally broke down and saw my dentist last week. He couldn’t figure it out, but thought he saw something on the x-ray, and referred me to the specialist (Endodontist).
I saw the endodontist yesterday. I’m still in pain. He checked where I thought the pain was, then checked my upper molars. I never felt more like clocking someone. He uses a Q-tip sprayed with nitrogen (VERY COLD) to test the areas of your teeth. Pain shot from my tooth up through my sinus and into my forehead and down to the lower jaw…where I thought the pain originated.
October 6th I get to go in for a root canal for my cracked tooth (2 of them are). I will have it banded.
yay me.
Pain, exhaustion, and allergic reactions – I feel like I’m in Oz…Lions and tigers and bears…OH MY!
That’s so weird to actually type out. I have a mild form of MS (yes, that really is possible – it’s not progressive, but I have lots of awesome symptoms *sarcasm*). I am chronically exhausted, chronically muddled in the head, chronically forgetful, chronically blah blah blah.
On last Friday I saw my neurologist again because the exhaustion, head numbness and brain fog were just getting too much. I can’t work well like that…at all. He suggested I could try a new medication. Something to help me stay alert. It works. But I hate that I am now on another medication.
Here’s what I take: reactine, singulaire, advair 500 (the disc), nasonex (yes, I have big time allergies and mild asthma which also affect cognitive function), citalopram (yay anxiety), imovane (occasionally when I get my insomnia), and now alertec to help me stay alert during the day. I also take vitamin D (5000 IU), a multivitamin for women, and nutrasea Omega 3. When I can afford it I also take pro-biotic (usually Bio-K which is freaking expensive).
I went through a phase about 6 years ago where I decided I hated medications and I refused to take them. It didn’t last. I was sick and had to work. I hate that I have to take so much crap just to feel 50% normal. I am so grateful that my illness is MILD compared to what many suffer.
I’m overweight. My size is the only outward appearance of my conditions. HOWEVER, I am working to change that. I think that the alertec (called Modafinil here in Canada) will help. I feel far more alert with it. The last few days have been wonderful. Today is not so great, I woke with a migraine, but I’m working on that. I’m tired, but not tired. It’s a very odd sensation. I took my kids to a popular attraction on Saturday and carried my 18 month old most of the way. We walked a lot…it felt incredible to do it and feel great doing it!
This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.
I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.
I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.
This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.
Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.
As an asthmatic, Spring cleaning can be treacherous…especially when you just finished taking a round of prednisone for a lung infection. Fuck me, right? I spent the better part of today dusting our library/computer room, moving books, organizing said books, dusting off said books, dusting off bookshelves, etc. Did I mention DUST? Lots of it. All over every freaking surface and nook and cranny.
Did I mention I’m asthmatic and allergic to dust and dust mites? Oh Joy! Let the coughing begin **cough**cough**BARK BARK** Shoot me now. I’m hoping that I didn’t irritate my lungs to the point of causing another lung infection. That would really suck. I’m also really wonky still – got super weak and weird this morning after not eating enough. I think it may be time to talk to my doctor. Could be my MS, could be nothing. Could be that I’m fat and just need to lose weight (that’s not a joke, I really am overweight by many pounds).
At least the baby is happy (sleeping too!), the younger teen is off to a friend’s over night and the older teen is cursing the ground I walk on as I make her actually clean her room. Queue scary music. I think she hates me right now, that’s ok, I’m her MOM not her bff. I love to tell her how much I love her when she is in that mood…it makes me giggle because I know all too well how it feels because I was that kid. The really messy one whose room you couldn’t even walk into for the amount of crap all over. I was clean about it though – no food in my room, no crap, just clothes and such.
My brain is so random today – I wasn’t even going to blog, but the more I do it, the more I get into it. It’s like a diary without the effort of handwriting…yes, handwriting does indeed take effort when you have carpal tunnel and some as of yet unnamed issue with pain in your hands. My fingers get weak and achy when I write now.
It’s hard because I used to hand write everything. I remember writing ten page essays and then typing them up on my electronic typewriter (I felt so special having and electric one). Computer labs were just becoming a thing. We had one at home, but I hated it unless I was playing a game. By game I mean a small yellow and black screen with a blob that you moved in various ways to attack or find something or escape from stuff. It was fun, really.
Anyways, I was the Luddite of the house. I hated it. I was devoted to my typewriter and my hand written works. Now, I couldn’t imagine writing more than a sick note for my kids. What a lost art that is.
Life Through My Eyes 