Tag: brain fog

Ashes

On By NB GwenIn The Journey2 Comments

“. . . Like ashes of gold in a cinnamon-flame,
My youthful desires have been burnt with the years–
And tonight in the chilling sunset-wind
A cicada, singing, weighs on my heart.”
― Haoran Meng

It’s been a while.

The past year has been rough, to put it midly.

Am I a phoenix, rising from the ashes? Not really. I’m more an old nag trying to find a greener pasteur to ease my life.

I want to be a phoenix though. I’m losing hope. I’ve become numb. There’s ashes all around me and I don’t know how to sweep them away. I don’t know how to burn that fire to help me rise.

I’ve tried for over a decade to get help with my weight, my self image, my mental health. I’m so tired of fighting. My medications make me gain weight, my health conditions make it harder to lose weight. I’ve gone to a bariatric surgeon and got rejected due to my depression. I’ve tried every fad diet, every non fad diet, I’ve gone to a dietitian, trainer; when I say I have tried everything, I literally have – even those stupid fad pills.

My life is chaos. My husband is on the list for a Parkinson’s implant and cannot work until after that surgery minimum. Meanwhile, I chug along. Drive our child to school. drive to get coffee, drive to work, sit for eight hours, drive to home, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.

I’ve tried explaining my life to others. I get told – you just need to exercise more, you need to eat healthier, it’s all in your head, no gain without pain. I put on my mask and just nod in silent numb agreement. They don’t know. I eat healthy – I LOVE veggies, lean meats, I love healthy food. It’s finding the energy to properly prep and cook that I struggle with. I do all the manual labour at home – I shovel, I snow blow, I mow, I build, I care and tend to everyone in the house. I’m exhausted. My spoons are gone, they took the last train out years ago.

I want to read my books, but the fog in my head makes it almost impossible to focus. That’s almost more depressing than the physical. I was smart. Now, I feel empty.

I turned 49 this year. I have so many regrets.

This post took on a direction I didn’t expect. I’ve held on to so much over the last while. Lost two more friends within six months of each other. Getting older is painful. Menopause is miserable.

I’ll never be beautiful. I’ll never be the woman I want to be. Slim, active, flexible – I used to be those things and I didn’t even know it. I remember a saying, paraphrasing – youth is wasted on the young. What I wouldn’t give to have myself back, dig myself out of the ashes and hold myself up to the light.

Beauty from the ashes, life from the earth. Fill my heart up from that shimmering pool of fire. Make me feel that passion for life once again.

Céline Dion – Ashes

Sabotage

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Self-sabotage. I do it. I do it almost daily. I do it in my mental blocks. I do it in my self-loathing. I do it in my journey to health. I do it without consciously realizing I am doing it.

I keep hearing quips in my head. Little fragments of happy-go-lucky sayings that scratch at my brain, demanding attention. “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “Baby steps!”, “One day at a time.” “Just keep swimming.” (Actually, I love that last one, Dory is awesome).

This past summer I have had more energy and drive than I have had in YEARS. I wish that was hyperbolic, but it is, unfortunately, not.

I’ve been cutting old death growth off of the trees around our property, cutting back overgrown bushes. Getting thorns stuck in my hands from old rose bushes. I’ve been cleaning up old growth and creating a fence of sorts from the old branches and growth (nothing garbaged, everything re-used of composted). I’ve felt more capable this year than – well, I don’t remember that.

Back at the end of June or start of July (brain fog, can’t remember when for sure), I fell off my deck. This wouldn’t be a huge deal, it’s only a foot tall. What is the big deal is that there was a big stump where I fell…and I hit is HARD with my left shin. I almost passed out.

Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago. My left leg on the inside (anterior) beside the shin (tibia) starting hurting like hell. I decided to finally get it checked, especially since I still have bruising on my leg. I had injured my tibialis tendon – impact injury. It caused bad inflamation (seen on x-ray). I was told to rest, take anti-inflamatories.

Ok, not a bad thing…right? Wrong. I see the bariatric surgeon on the 23rd of this month to see if I am ready for gastric bypass surgery. My health issues make it hard to impossible to lose enough weight on my own – even with all the work I’ve done this summer, including walking our adorable pup, I have only managed to lose two pounds. In order to have gastric bypass you have to do certain things. One of those is NO NSAIDs, which are anti-inflamatories. Another – 30 minutes of exercise a day. The exact opposite of what the doctor said would heal my tendon.

On top of the anterior tibialis tendonitis, I also have tendonitis in my left elbow and my carpal tunnel in both hands has increased, most noticeably in my right.

What does all this mean? Fucked if I know. I feel like the universe is telling me to stay fat and I’m flipping the bird at the universe – even the constantly numb middle finger.

It’s like the powers that be are saying fuck you bitch – and I’m yelling back at them to BRING IT ON.

Have I sabotaged myself this time? Maybe. Personally, I would rather keep my energy going than lie down and absorb it all again. I don’t want to go gently into anything – I’m raging against it. I’m over all this pain and depression. It is constantly trying to suck me into that vortex of nothingness. The spiral of stagnation.

Am I going to keep this energy going? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Bonus – our baby girl is getting bigger…she’s 40 lbs at 5 months old. Sweet Dahlia – she’s a handful, but I love her snuggles and her.

Dahlia at 5 months old

Beastie Boys – Sabotage

Something on my Mind

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

Numbness. Lots of it. Ever have that internal debate with yourself whether something is bad enough to go get checked by a doctor? I was at our local ER a week ago for a lung infection (yay prednisone). I don’t want to be seen as a hypochondriac. I have a mild form of MS. My head is numb – forehead, head, neck. I feel weird but can’t put a finger on how I feel weird. That’s weird, right?

So, I’m sitting here at work, trying to be functional and failing. What do I do? Blog about it. The numbness is down to my upper back/shoulders, and into my face. I am beyond exhausted – that tiredness where you actually feel awake, but know you are really tired. The struggle is real folks. Quicksand all around me.

Maybe if I’m like this tomorrow I’ll go in…maybe. Hubby works till later, kids need to be tended to, baby picked up from the sitter. Push the exhaustion and numbness aside and carry on.

Kansas – Carry On My Wayward Son