“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” ― J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

I have an adopted child with FASD who has gone downhill in recent years to the point of us losing hope.

If you know what Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder is, than you know what I’m feeling right now. You know why I chose the Rowling quote and the song below.

I love my child with every fibre of my being

My heart is broken.

I no longer know how to help my child. There’s so much to their story that I wouldn’t know where to start nor would I want it aired for everyone. The nuances and complexities of the familial arrangements surrounding us all both add and reduce the turmoil.

I’m exhausted beyond.

Melissa Etheridge – Breathe

Just Breathe

“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” ― J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

*Deep breath in*

*Deep breath out*

I have debated posting this, I may take it down…here it goes.

The week is only half way over, yet I feel like it has been months long.

My daughter was assaulted off of school grounds. A girl at her school started a rumour about her. This falsehood spread and a girl decided to act on it. She punched my daughter in the head a few times. My daughter is so brave – she didn’t fight back. Instead, she immediately reported it. The police are involved.

The shitty part – the girl is moving and the police are not able to give her the punishment that is called for. To make it worst, some of the rumour mongers actually filmed it. I haven’t been able to find it. The vice principals, the teachers, even the police involved all know that the rumour is completely false and made up to harm my daughter.

Teenagers can be assholes. These ones don’t care if it really is real or not. All they care about is that one person said she heard or read it – that’s all it took for these kids to turn on my daughter.

The girl who attacked her used to be a friend, supposedly.

My daughter has told me to drop it. She is calm, collected, and just doesn’t want to have anything to do with them.

I am her mom. I was bullied. I was told to suck it up.

Yes, my daughter can be sarcastic and lippy…but she has never said anything that deserved this. Hell, even if she DID say something, she still didn’t deserve this.

I really hate kids sometimes (not mine, but in general).

Anna Nalick – Just Breathe (Lyrics)

Patience grasshopper

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates  (Source: Goodreads)

If food is my medicine than it is no small wonder that I need so much medicine. I have been emailing with a friend about eating – good and bad. She gets frustrated with me, I get frustrated with me…and angry. Yet, I am stuck in some kind of a cruel loop of wanting to eat healthy, beginning my day eating incredibly healthy, and spending the rest of my day attempting to avoid crap and failing miserably.

I want to lose weight and I want to do it NOW. Not when the pain is gone, not when my kids are all grown, not when I stop being stressed (HAHAHA), not when it is good for anyone else. I want it NOW.

So what’s the problem? I don’t know. I feel trapped in my body. I get angry and have immense self-loathing for myself. I get caught in a loop of knowing what I need to do, hating myself, punishing myself by eating crap, hating that I allowed that and the cycle continues. I’m miserable physically and mentally. I want it to change NOW.

I need to be patient and kind to myself. It’s ok if I screw up once in a while. It’s ok to not be fit immediately. It’s ok that I’m focusing on getting rid of pain. It’s ok if I can’t walk today, go tomorrow. It’s ok to feel lost once in a while. It’s ok to hurt, just remember to live.

It’s ok to want more out of life, but put action to those words don’t just pay it lipservice.

It’s ok to want to stay home. You are allowed to be a hermit, so long as you remember who your friends are and to stay in contact so they know you still care.

It’s ok to want to hang out with your kids. You love them, they are your world.

It’s ok to want something for yourself like music lessons. YOU deserve to have something just for you.

It’s ok to want to change, but be prepared to deal with the outcome.

It’s ok.

It really is.

Just breathe…

Anna Nalick – Breathe (2 AM)