Roar

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.

When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.

As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.

That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.

Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.

Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.

I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.

I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.

The only problem is – I’m not a good me.

Katy Perry – Roar

Just Breathe

“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” ― J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

*Deep breath in*

*Deep breath out*

I have debated posting this, I may take it down…here it goes.

The week is only half way over, yet I feel like it has been months long.

My daughter was assaulted off of school grounds. A girl at her school started a rumour about her. This falsehood spread and a girl decided to act on it. She punched my daughter in the head a few times. My daughter is so brave – she didn’t fight back. Instead, she immediately reported it. The police are involved.

The shitty part – the girl is moving and the police are not able to give her the punishment that is called for. To make it worst, some of the rumour mongers actually filmed it. I haven’t been able to find it. The vice principals, the teachers, even the police involved all know that the rumour is completely false and made up to harm my daughter.

Teenagers can be assholes. These ones don’t care if it really is real or not. All they care about is that one person said she heard or read it – that’s all it took for these kids to turn on my daughter.

The girl who attacked her used to be a friend, supposedly.

My daughter has told me to drop it. She is calm, collected, and just doesn’t want to have anything to do with them.

I am her mom. I was bullied. I was told to suck it up.

Yes, my daughter can be sarcastic and lippy…but she has never said anything that deserved this. Hell, even if she DID say something, she still didn’t deserve this.

I really hate kids sometimes (not mine, but in general).

Anna Nalick – Just Breathe (Lyrics)

Be Yourself

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde (Source: Goodreads).

So true, Oscar Wilde, so true. Problem is, many people (myself included) feel the need to reflect those around them in order to fit in. I fail at it miserably, and that’s a good thing. I’ve tried over the years to fit in, be one of the crowd, but I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

It used to bother me a lot. Maybe it was because I was bullied so much when I was younger that in my youth I was desperate to not stand out. Maybe. I was painfully shy for a long time, still introverted but now I talk too much to make up for it.

Now, I’m embrace my differentness. I hold it up like a shield to protect myself, and yet…I still wear a mask of sameness around those who don’t really know me. Why? Why do I feel a need to maintain that status quo and not just exude the life force within me?

I need to let go. I need to just let it all go and be who I truly am. I’ve got my hair back to it’s natural colour, but I think that is a statement of my neutrality on my own being. I love seeing the vivid colours people use now. I want to do that. Am I too old? Is it childish? I’m 41, I’ve wanted to do wild colours with my hair since I was a teen. It’s a desire that has never faded. But I work at a government office. I think walking in with baby blue hair with dark purple streaks may be frowned upon.

…some day…

Ellie Goulding – Dead in the Water