A  little change for today…a quote in French (with an English translation by me) –

L’Art De La Flexibilité – Soyez ouvert à différents points de vue, et ne craignez pas de changer d’avis si vous reconnaissez une nouvelle vérité dans une situation. C’est de la sagesse que d’agir ainsi, et non de l’inconstance.” – Barbara Ann Kipfer from 52 Pensées Pour Vivre Heureux

The Art of Flexibility Be open to differing points of view, and do not fear changing your mind when you recognize a new truth in a situation. It is wise to do so, and not inconstant.” – 52 Thoughts for Happy Living.

Life is full of strife, change, inconstancy.  I’m the epitome of that…one day waxing poetic about darkness, and the next wondering if Supernatural could turn an episode using Spanish Train by Chris de Burgh as a back drop (imagine Crowley gaming for souls – does that not just sound like Crowley?).

I woke up today thinking it was Monday. I’m not joking. I was completely confused and positive it was Monday…then went shit in my head and realized that no, it was indeed Tuesday and I had to get my toddler up, fed and to the sitter’s. WOW

Reason for confusion – fatigue. I couldn’t sleep last night. To make it worse, the reason I couldn’t sleep is that it felt like someone was holding me down – literally a hand on my head and one on my hip pushing me into my pillow and bed. No one was there. It came and went several times – I lost count, 5 maybe 6 times? It was like someone was waiting for me to react, but I was just trying to sleep…sleep paralysis maybe? I did try to move a few times and couldn’t. Oh fun.

Chris de Burgh – Spanish Train

Back to the begining.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

If you’ve looked at my blog today you will find a new page – My Weightloss Journey. I haven’t said anything to anyone except my BFF and my hubby. Losing weight and positive thinking are both huge struggles for me. I’ve dealt with both in some form since I can remember (yes, when I was little I thought I was fat, but I wasn’t…I just thought I was).

I need to focus on what I really want when I lose weight.

1 – I want to keep up with my kids (this is HUGE for me).

2 – I don’t want to be a fat mom.

3 – I want to be an example my kids can live by and love.

4 – I want to feel good.

5 – I want to look good (and by extension feel sexy).

Is that last one shallow? Maybe, but let’s face it, many people are shallow and how you look on the outside is used as a measuring tool to who you are on the inside. I am not a physical reflection of who I am.

Disney’s Mulan – Reflection (Original & Full Version)

Patience grasshopper

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates  (Source: Goodreads)

If food is my medicine than it is no small wonder that I need so much medicine. I have been emailing with a friend about eating – good and bad. She gets frustrated with me, I get frustrated with me…and angry. Yet, I am stuck in some kind of a cruel loop of wanting to eat healthy, beginning my day eating incredibly healthy, and spending the rest of my day attempting to avoid crap and failing miserably.

I want to lose weight and I want to do it NOW. Not when the pain is gone, not when my kids are all grown, not when I stop being stressed (HAHAHA), not when it is good for anyone else. I want it NOW.

So what’s the problem? I don’t know. I feel trapped in my body. I get angry and have immense self-loathing for myself. I get caught in a loop of knowing what I need to do, hating myself, punishing myself by eating crap, hating that I allowed that and the cycle continues. I’m miserable physically and mentally. I want it to change NOW.

I need to be patient and kind to myself. It’s ok if I screw up once in a while. It’s ok to not be fit immediately. It’s ok that I’m focusing on getting rid of pain. It’s ok if I can’t walk today, go tomorrow. It’s ok to feel lost once in a while. It’s ok to hurt, just remember to live.

It’s ok to want more out of life, but put action to those words don’t just pay it lipservice.

It’s ok to want to stay home. You are allowed to be a hermit, so long as you remember who your friends are and to stay in contact so they know you still care.

It’s ok to want to hang out with your kids. You love them, they are your world.

It’s ok to want something for yourself like music lessons. YOU deserve to have something just for you.

It’s ok to want to change, but be prepared to deal with the outcome.

It’s ok.

It really is.

Just breathe…

Anna Nalick – Breathe (2 AM)


“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton (source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/edithwhart100511.html?src=t_inspirational).

I want to be that candle. Now to get my body to agree with me. I’m trying to be upbeat. It’s not working. I’m having a bad day.

I joined our biggest loser thing here at my office. I lost a few pounds. I went to get weighed this morning and discovered I’d gained them back. I’m discouraged. I’m disgusted. I feel like crying. I’m in pain from my two walks yesterday. I feel like all I do is complain or make excuses. I’m also told I’m too hard on myself, but personally, I think I’m not hard enough.

I look in the mirror with disgust. Yes, I really do hate my body. I guess you could say I’m a thin, fit woman on the inside. That fit woman is begging to get out. She hates what she feels and doesn’t know – no – has forgotten how to attain her goals.

Baby steps. I need to remember that all good, positive change happens in baby steps. I do have health problems – I can’t just lunge into things and expect immediate change.

I’m the mirror watching the candle burn at both ends. I want to be the candle, breathing in the air around me, using it to fuel my transformation. Glow strong and bright.

The rain outside, though cleansing, isn’t helping my mood. The dampness has settled into my lungs and I am once again wheezing…and I can’t find my inhaler. *facepalm* Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far. I won’t melt in the rain, sometimes I even love to dance in it, but I prefer to be shielded by an umbrella.

Rihanna – Umbrella:

Clutter, Clutter everywhere!

I admit it, I’m a reformed hoarder. I used to keep EVERYTHING. Every piece of art my children made, every piece of clothing that I may fit back into. Everything. Then I hit a point where I asked myself why. Why am I keeping all this shit!?

I honestly think part of it was my inability to let go, another part was my anxiety, and another my need to gain comfort from outside myself. I’ve since learned that none of those are reasons for holding on to unnecessary baggage (physical or mental).

I’m still struggling to let go of some things in my life. I have a few rooms left to de-clutter, a few mental rooms to de-clutter as well. I honestly feel that a cluttered space, leads to a cluttered mind and my mind has too much clutter without the extra physical clutter clouding it.

My chore for the next few weeks is to finally finish the de-cluttering process I started a few years back. Everything was pretty much there except for our computer room/library, the storage room, and our master bedroom (now the family room downstairs as well since the kids seem to forget to de-clutter as well).

My biggest issue with this is my mental clutter – which includes an unhealthy dose of exhaustion and weight. Why do I list weight as mental clutter? Because it weighs on me physically and mentally. In the past 6 years (almost 7) I have packed on well over 40 lbs. I was a bit overweight to begin with. At 5’1″ this extra weight drags me down physically and mentally. I’ve lately joined two Biggest Loser challenges in my area, but I am my own worse enemy and when I start to lose, I sabotage myself.

It was subconscious to begin with, I’d lose a pound or two and my eating would go back to bad. Once I realized what the heck I was doing, I became more aware of when I would do it…and it was always after losing a bit. This is frustrating. I WANT and NEED to lose this weight, just as much as I want and need to de-clutter the rest of my home.

There is always an excuse. I can’t exercise with the baby (he’s 14 months and I am sure I could find a way). I can’t find anything to eat (biggest pile of bullshit around, more like I can’t find what I am craving). I lack the energy – this one is true, but it’s almost self-fulfilling; I lack energy which I would get through exercise but need the energy to exercise so I can get the energy to exercise more and lose weight. Healthy food is too expensive – yes, it can be – but so are snack foods (I usually avoid chips and do not like pop, but love chocolate).

I always start out great; a big glass of water and a green smoothie. Then my day goes to pot so to speak. I’m working on it. It is a slow change, one I did before and one that I am determined to do again.

I hate hating my body and myself. How does a blog on clutter turned to a blog on weight and self-hate? Easily, since in my life the two are interconnected. I hate the condition of my house and the clutter within it, just like I hate my body and the extra weight it holds.

I need to let go of that hate. Maybe that’s the key – let it go and it will happen? Maybe. All I know is that I am ready for it.

Sia – Chandelier – I’m no longer a drinker, but the song fits…