Changes

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometimes I look at my life, my world, and I wonder how in the ever loving fawk I ended up where I am.

I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts at times because of the stress that I am under.

I had an ache deep in my chest most of yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, dealing with school and mental health for one of my children. I felt defeated all day. My child has a huge heart. My child means the world to me (all my children do). My child has broken my heart more times than I care to recount and has challenges that may never be solved.

Any parent of a high needs child can tell you that, as caregivers, it is often a thankless, stressful position to be in. You KNOW that they love you and you love them unconditionally, but their needs take precedence over so much of your life that other areas falter and fail. Burn out is common, exhaustion, stress born illnesses are common as well.

Changes are need – it’s hard. Oh gawd, I know it is hard. You HAVE to take time for YOU. No matter how infinitesimal, no matter what it is – you need to take that time and embrace it. No more guilt. Guilt is often a frequent emotion for parents.

I began knitting (again) as a form of ‘me’ time. I may not always get out of the house, but I can sit, watch Doctor Who, and knit and I feel at peace. It is my meditation, my time. It’s not a huge change, but change doesn’t always have to be! Baby steps.

Working towards a healthier me is also a step I have taken – eating healthier, going to bed earlier, getting more exercise. What seemed impossible just a few short months ago is so, so possible now! I’ve started to (FINALLY!) lose weigh after years of struggling, though I’ve had health challenges lately, in general that is improving too!

Make sure you have a support team – even if that is a team of one! You NEED someone. You can’t be the rock your child needs if you are crumbling to dust…Even mountains need a foundation to build on. I’m so fortunate that I have an amazing family network and friend network. There is ALWAYS someone I can talk to.

Let it out. Holding in that pain and hurt from your day will only make you feel worse and takes a toll on your health. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I took the long way to learn it. I hold very little back anymore. It’s a change that I have learned with time.

Love yourself. This is one change that I am still struggling with. It is needed, and is probably one of the most difficult ones.

Let others help. Sometimes letting go is the most amazing thing you can do for your child. Allowing someone else to guide them is sometimes the most important thing that can happen. It sucks ass. As a parent, you want to be the ONE. That isn’t always possible.

I’m tired. I think that is all I have in me for today. If my advice helps even one parent of a special/high needs child than I am grateful and happy for it.

Peace all and remember to love yourself.

David Bowie – Changes

 

Knowing me, Knowing you

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Elbert Hubbard

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” Socrates

Life is so funny. One minute you think you know something, you are so sure of it. The next – you are rethinking your universe.

I’ve had this happen to me several times over the years. Big life changes do that to a person.

As you grow up and age, you look to the future, you wonder, you think, you think you know everything, until you realize you know nothing.

At 16, I couldn’t wait to get my license. I knew it all.

At 19, I couldn’t wait to go to an actual bar (I have always looked young for my age and could never get in under aged) and finish university. I wanted to be an archaeologist and looked forward to that day. I yearned to know more.

At 25, I was getting married and looking forward to having children. The dream of archaeology put aside. I knew nothing and was told so.

At 26, I had my first child. My life became all about her. I wanted and looked forward to making life better for all of us.

At 28, I adopted my second child. My life became more complicated and full of love for my children. I questioned everything about who I was and the universe around me. I knew nothing and was told so.

At 33, I became a single mother due to the breakdown of my marriage. I became a hermit, living for my children and questioning every move I made. I knew that I knew some things, but I had so much to learn.

At 34, I met the man who would be my future husband and couldn’t wait to know him better. He lived several hours away, and I carried on as a single parent. My children are and were my universe, but I still questioned everything. My ex-husband and I would divorce a few years later, I still have lingering issues from that part of my life.

At 37, my love moved in with us and I no longer was a single parent. I questioned myself a little less, knowing he loved my kids like his own.

At 39, I found out I was going to have another child. He was our accidentally on purpose baby – we didn’t think I could get pregnant, but we wanted to try. I had been diagnosed with a mild form of MS, and have asthma. I tend to get sick a lot. But the doctor and neurologist both agreed that I would be ok and they were right. It was easier than my first pregnancy and I questioned less; I only looked forward to his arrival.

At 40, well, three days after my 40th birthday my youngest was born. I questioned my sanity, and my abilities. He was so worth it all. That summer my husband and I married. I knew that I knew nothing…I still know this. Faith, life, love – all of it, a huge chasm of knowledge waiting.

Now, I am almost 42. My youngest is almost 2. My eldest will be 16 soon, my middle child just turned 14. Life is hectic, crazy sometimes, loving and angry, anxious and scared, but most of all, I know that I know very little about them all – about my children, about life. As I enter this stage in my life, I have so much left to learn and look forward to.

ABBA – Knowing Me, Knowing You

Ch-ch-ch-changes

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

I don’t know if it’s the cool (very cool) Fall air, the crispness of everything, or what it is – but even though I am physically ill, I feel amazing.

Yesterday for the first time ever I did a presentation for a group of grade 5 French Immersion students (yes, I did it in French). My subject – archaeology.

I am floored by how excited the kids were and how much they genuinely seemed to enjoy it! I didn’t see eyes rolling, I didn’t see anyone with their head down doodling, no whispers – they were focused on my presentation!

I feel reinvigorated by their energy to learn. So many great questions from them too! But the biggest one was – why wasn’t I working as an archaeologist now? That’s a tough one for me and filled with regret, but suddenly the regret isn’t as strong and it’s been replaced by a happy thought of regaining my footing and digging in to the future.

David Bowie – Changes