“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Mental illness is a funny thing. One minute you are on top of the world and the next – the world is on top of you.
I’ve not posted this week till now, I know. I’m exhausted, not getting sleep. I’ve a ton of work to do. But I’m also 99% sure I am very depressed. I don’t want to type, I don’t want to drive, I don’t want to game, I don’t want to read, I just want to sleep.
The negative thoughts have invaded and their beastly claws have dug in for the fight.
I had to pull off the road on my way home last night from work. I tried calling my husband. He was on his way to his work and didn’t get my call.
Sometimes, the negative outweighs all the shinnies. I feel useless, pathetic, fat, ugly. I feel like I’m only good as a milk source for my youngest, money for my two eldest, and not much of anything for my husband.
I’m not much of anything to anyone.
The weight is heavy on my shoulders, chest. It won’t slough off.
People who have never experienced this thinks you can just draw up some positive thinking and swipe it away…it’s NOT that easy and I am sick to death of people telling me it’s all in my head. Is my MS in my head? Are my allergies in my head? My asthma? No they aren’t, and all three are known to cause plenty of issues.
I’m not a fucking cheerleader. I am not going to be plucky and happy 24/7. I feel like the world is crumbling apart. Next week, I may be that fucking cheerleader again – smiling away, happy…
Why do I write this? Because someone out there may feel like me and it may help them to know they are NOT alone, that they are not the only one struggling.
It seems strange to me, living in my privileged life (privileged in that I have never had to fight for my life, food, or home), that I have such a hard time seeing the beauty around me at my low times. I should always be grateful for what I have. I have 3 beautiful, wonderful children. I have a home, I have a wonderful husband, dear friends, pets that I adore. Yet, I sometimes feel so much darkness inside that it erodes at everything…my ability to feel, hope, dream, work, everything. I hate it.
Very few who know me personally would notice that side of me. I’m bubbly, appear extroverted and confident – there’s my mask.
It’s so much easier to escape into a daydream than worry about the day.
I think this rainy day has taken an unforeseen toll on me. I didn’t realize I was in such a dour mood. I do have hope though. Hope that I can work through it all. I am also realizing that a part of my mood today is that pain I am in (physical that is). I have a constant ache in my lower back on the right side from my fall last week. I’m almost out of anti-inflammatories and will have to switch to OTC ones. I’m tired, I’m sookie, I just want to snuggle with my youngest and rest. I can’t though, I have to work. I’ve missed too many days already.
This is when I need to harness what little will power I have and try to avoid stress eating. My worse habit if I do say so myself. I’m in pain, feeling very low and all I want are sweets. Gah!