Under Pressure

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

The last while I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. Physically, my head literally feels like it’s full of pressure – and I usually end up exhausted and with a migraine. Mentally, the anxiety attacks seem to be happening more.

I need to give myself a chance to breath.

My home life is stressful and I’ve been fighting for help. We’re finally getting it. I can breath a little.

My work life is stressful only in so far that I have not been functional enough in my opinion. I need to do more – my head is numb and full of pressure. I have a hard time thinking, concentrating, dealing with my task that are normally so simple to me.

My beautiful cat, Spice, somehow got out of our house on Monday – she’s so skittish and scared that no one can get near her and she will not enter the live trap we borrowed. My heart is breaking. She’s such a sweet tortie girl.

We’re trying to renovate our house and we are going on a whirlwind trip soon. Money money money – must be funny, in a rich person’s world…right? (thanks for that ear worm ABBA, I love it).

My expectations of self are higher than my physical reality. I need to remember that if I am not in health, I cannot care for my children. If I am not focused on being healthy, I will not be there for my children in the future.

So much pressure in my head and chest. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a month…I have to work. I am the sole breadwinner for my family right now. No rest for the wicked (with MS), right?

Queen ft. David Bowie – Under Pressure


“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometimes I look at my life, my world, and I wonder how in the ever loving fawk I ended up where I am.

I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts at times because of the stress that I am under.

I had an ache deep in my chest most of yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, dealing with school and mental health for one of my children. I felt defeated all day. My child has a huge heart. My child means the world to me (all my children do). My child has broken my heart more times than I care to recount and has challenges that may never be solved.

Any parent of a high needs child can tell you that, as caregivers, it is often a thankless, stressful position to be in. You KNOW that they love you and you love them unconditionally, but their needs take precedence over so much of your life that other areas falter and fail. Burn out is common, exhaustion, stress born illnesses are common as well.

Changes are need – it’s hard. Oh gawd, I know it is hard. You HAVE to take time for YOU. No matter how infinitesimal, no matter what it is – you need to take that time and embrace it. No more guilt. Guilt is often a frequent emotion for parents.

I began knitting (again) as a form of ‘me’ time. I may not always get out of the house, but I can sit, watch Doctor Who, and knit and I feel at peace. It is my meditation, my time. It’s not a huge change, but change doesn’t always have to be! Baby steps.

Working towards a healthier me is also a step I have taken – eating healthier, going to bed earlier, getting more exercise. What seemed impossible just a few short months ago is so, so possible now! I’ve started to (FINALLY!) lose weigh after years of struggling, though I’ve had health challenges lately, in general that is improving too!

Make sure you have a support team – even if that is a team of one! You NEED someone. You can’t be the rock your child needs if you are crumbling to dust…Even mountains need a foundation to build on. I’m so fortunate that I have an amazing family network and friend network. There is ALWAYS someone I can talk to.

Let it out. Holding in that pain and hurt from your day will only make you feel worse and takes a toll on your health. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I took the long way to learn it. I hold very little back anymore. It’s a change that I have learned with time.

Love yourself. This is one change that I am still struggling with. It is needed, and is probably one of the most difficult ones.

Let others help. Sometimes letting go is the most amazing thing you can do for your child. Allowing someone else to guide them is sometimes the most important thing that can happen. It sucks ass. As a parent, you want to be the ONE. That isn’t always possible.

I’m tired. I think that is all I have in me for today. If my advice helps even one parent of a special/high needs child than I am grateful and happy for it.

Peace all and remember to love yourself.

David Bowie – Changes



“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

I don’t know if it’s the cool (very cool) Fall air, the crispness of everything, or what it is – but even though I am physically ill, I feel amazing.

Yesterday for the first time ever I did a presentation for a group of grade 5 French Immersion students (yes, I did it in French). My subject – archaeology.

I am floored by how excited the kids were and how much they genuinely seemed to enjoy it! I didn’t see eyes rolling, I didn’t see anyone with their head down doodling, no whispers – they were focused on my presentation!

I feel reinvigorated by their energy to learn. So many great questions from them too! But the biggest one was – why wasn’t I working as an archaeologist now? That’s a tough one for me and filled with regret, but suddenly the regret isn’t as strong and it’s been replaced by a happy thought of regaining my footing and digging in to the future.

David Bowie – Changes


“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” Rumi

Ah, Rumi. If only teenagers would understand this.

Last night I thought I had two possessed teens in my house – infested by Satan spawn.

All joking aside, I do believe I have a much greater appreciation for my own parents now. Sorry mom and dad, I really hope I wasn’t spawn of Satan for you.

I feel so great today that I’m afraid of jinxing myself. Sure, I have some pain, and I’m starting to wear down…put overall it’s a great day…even with the pouring rain.

David Bowie – Let’s Dance

Above All

“This above all: to thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare, Hamlet (Source: Goodreads)

Often times I feel the need to ignore my wants and desires, to hide behind a mask and begrudge myself. Shakespeare is correct – you should always aim to be true to yourself. Be who you are, not who you think others want you to be.

Too often we are caught up in the rat-race of life. Get up, get ready, go to work, work all day, get home, cook, (clean if you can), get the kids sorted, go to bed. Maybe some downtime in there, usually not. The daily grind is exhausting. I feel like a sheep following the shepherd of life. I want to be the wolf that trails at the edges and does not compromise even in the face of death. Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but it gets the point across.

I dream of the day I can colour my hair weird and wonderful colours, I’ve even thought of putting my hair in small dreds…but that would look awful on me (I think). Instead, I mainstream myself. Normal hair, normal clothes, normal, normal, normal. It’s not who I am in the least. I also know that I will not get to retire for at least another 20 years or more because of the way our government is. It’s deflating.

I must find other ways of being true to me. This blog is one of them. I love music, I love to write, I love poetry. I can be anything I want to be on here and love it.

David Bowie – Space Oddity

Bonus: Commander Chris Hadfield – Space Oddity