Tag: death

Thief

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment
“Thief

I don’t want to understand this horror
There’s a weight in your eyes I can’t admit 
Everybody ends up here in bottles 
But the name tags are the last thing you wanted 
As the world explodes you fall out of it 
And you can’t let go because this 
Will not go away

There’s a house built out in space
And I can’t see the thief that lives inside of your head 
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed 
And I don’t know what’s happening and I can’t pretend 
But I can be all, be all

Someone help us understand who ordered 
This disgusting arrangement of time and the end 
I don’t want to hear who walked on water 
Cause the hallways are empty, clocks tick 
As the world implodes we fall in to it 
And we can’t go home because this 
Will not go away

There’s a house built out in space
And I can’t see the thief that lives inside your head 
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed 
And I don’t know what’s happening and I can’t pretend 
It’s a long, long get away, it’s a long, long get away 
Make it home again, make it home again 

It’s a long, long get away, it’s a long, long get away

And I can’t see the thief that lives inside your head 
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed 
And I don’t know what’s happening and I can’t pretend 
But I can be all, be all I’m here 
But I can be all, be all I’m here 
It’s a long, long get away”

Songwriters: Arnold Lanni / Michael Maida

Death is a thief; we are all it’s takings.

Death does not care if you are rich.
Death does not care how popular you are
Death does not care how young or old you are
Death does not care how loved or hated you are
Death does not care for pain or peace
Death does not care about the colour of your flesh
Death does not care about what gods or goddesses you worship
Death does not care how much you fight it or not
Death does not care

Death is. Nothing more, nothing less
Death comes for all, no matter the shape, size species or form.
Death is.

I, and many others I know, have suffered too many losses in the last few years. It seems to be one hit after another, old, young, healthy, disease filled, awful or angelic. We lost them all.

I’ve always loved this song. I know it was written for a young girl with a brain tumor. From Wikipedia – “Vocalist Raine Maida has stated that the song was written about a young Kitchener girl that he knew named Mina Kim who had an inoperable tumor in her brain. The “thief” mentioned in the song refers to the tumor. The short clip at the end of the song consisting of a young girl singing a Sunday school song is a real audio clip of Mina Kim singing “Little By Little” with Maida‘s wife Chantal Kreviazuk and band member Jeremy Taggart.”

To me, that Thief can represent so many things – illnesses, heartbreak, loss, emotional trauma.

Just remember you are never alone, even when you feel you are.

Our Lady Peace – Thief

Something To Believe In

On By NB GwenIn The Journey1 Comment

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

I’m pretty sure I’ve used that quote before, but it fits this post to a “T”. It’s a post created through raw emotion and memories that have faded.

This beautiful young girl was my best friend.

Pam
Pamela Gail Bischoff – October 3, 1976 – April 12, 1991

27 years ago yesterday (I couldn’t write this yesterday), she was ripped from our lives by a selfish sociopath. I won’t write his name here. I was going to. I was going to call him out and let the world know that HE gets to live, get married (he is), and go on.

Pam was 14 years old. She had called me before going out that night to tell me about her new stockings her mom had bought her. Her mom had to travel over an hour away to get them. They were special to go with her grade 9 prom dress. Back then, junior high was grades 7 to 9.

Her dress was black from the mid hip up, and with a gorgeous purple skirting. She was so excited. I can still remember the sound of her voice when I think of that phone call. She hung up saying she would talk to me later. She hung out with a group she normally didn’t. She never called me again…

You would think after 27 years that the pain of loss would lessen. Granted, it’s not as intense as it used to be, but I’m still sitting here crying.

Pam was intense, vivacious, confident. When she walked into a room, you knew it because she was the life of the party. She got me to hitchhike (something I had never done before), she made me step out of my comfort zone in so many ways. She was magnetic. Even though I was the oldest (I was 17 when she died), I never felt like it – she was mature beyond her years. She was rebellious. She loved her parents deeply. As much as she fought with her older sister, she loved her deeply too.

I still remember spending the night and her knocking on her bedroom wall, calling to her mom (it was morning), “Mom, can you bring me some orange juice?” Of course, her mom did. Pam knew her mom would. Her parents would have done anything for her. Her loss was too much on them all.

Everything Pam did was done with intensity and passion. We were crazy kids. We did things we shouldn’t, we were carefree, we loved life. There was 4 of us in our group of best friends. Pam, me, Gena and Rhonda. We were joined at the hips and that was that. We made nicknames for each other. Pam was Pam Pam. I was Gwembles. It’s awful, but I can’t remember what Gena and Rhonda’s were (though I’m sure they’ll remind we).

The other three of us still live. We have families, we’ve had marriages, two of us divorced, one remarried (me lol). We are still best friends.

This time of year, I often wonder how Pam would have turned out as an adult. I have no doubt that we would still be friends. But how much different would our lives had been with her in it?

We’ll never know.

Poison was her favourite band. I think she would have been devastated to know they split up. C.C. DeVille was her favourite member. She had a large poster on her ceiling over top of her bed.

This song was played at her memorial service. Even now I have a hard time listening to it.

Poison – Something To Believe In

Chiquitita

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“Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita”

 – Benny Goran Bror Andersson, Bjoern K. Ulvaeus  (ABBA)

This song really hit home. Today most of all.

When I was a teen, I lost my best friend. She was murdered. Today, 26 years ago.

I realize this song is not about death, but the sentiment is the same. I danced again, I went on with my life. Some days are harder than others – life happens, it’s not always fair or kind. Sometimes life is brutally cruel, so much so that you see yourself on a high precipice waiting for the wind to waft you over the edge. But life can be wonderful too.

This week has been hard. Between migraines, teens, issues for family and friends that make me want to wrap them all up in the biggest hug I can, it’s been hard.

But there are always slivers of those silver linings. I’m knitting a goat for a friend and I am loving the way it is turning out, even though it is a crochet pattern! My baby boy (I still can’t believe he is 3!) has been so affectionate and sweet that my heart feels fuller than ever. Even my teens seem to be having a better week as well. Money is tight, but when isn’t it.

I discovered my Charlie ‘girl’, is actually a Charlie BOY LOL! I had a great giggle over that surprise last night (he’s maturing into a juvenile and it just became obvious last night).

Then today hits. The anniversary of when life changed for myself and my group of friends. It really brings into focus all that I have to be grateful for. I have three really healthy kids. Sure, the older two have difficulties – but they are healthy. I have an amazing husband who is always by my side, yes, he has Parkinson’s – but it’s NOT a death sentence. I have been sick a lot, sure, but I am finally losing weight and keeping it off! I am more active and can see the changes in me! I can knit – wow, that alone I a big deal for me! Just a few short months ago my hands hurt so much that I couldn’t!

I often wonder where Pam would be now had she lived. She would be 40 going on 41 in October. Would she have kids? Would she be around here? Considering I am still friends with the others from our group, I like to believe her and I would still be very close today if she had lived. I bet she would still be larger than life – gawd she was so full of life!

I miss you Pam. I think of you often. I think of your sister often and hope that she will have no more hardships, she has had enough. I miss your mom. I miss laughing with you and just talking. I still remember your voice, our last phone call.

I wish you could see us now – me, Gena, Rhonda – I like to think you do, and that you check in on us. Our ‘band’ was never the same without you.

ABBA – Chiquitita

Punch in the gut

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“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.” ― Richard Carlson

I took my 10 year old Husky/Shepherd mix, Bronco, to the vet last Thursday for a dental cleaning/surgery. He did great. His nickname is the grumpy old man because he would have to go out back and be muzzled whenever I would take him to the vet…such a goof. He is always sweet and loving at home. He had two badly infected back molars and a third had a huge cavity.

I picked him up around 4:30 Thursday. The techs said he was sweet and didn’t even need to be muzzled or anything! He was wonderful and sweet! They got to see OUR Bronco. He was happy and alert as I drove home, albeit in a bit of pain.

That night, he seemed ‘off’. I had to force his meds down (antibiotics and pain killer). He wouldn’t take a treat – but hey, he did JUST have three big teeth out.

By 3 am I was calling the emergency line and my vets cell phone. No one answered. I left 4 messages – two on each phone. Bronco’s belly was rock hard and huge, he vomited fluid and white foam.

By 5:45 the vet called – upset that she had missed my call, we rushed Bronco in. He couldn’t walk by this time. We got him up on the x-ray table, the vet snapped two x-rays. His heart looked amazing, his belly…

By 6:30 by big baby boy was dead. It was too late. The vet didn’t even have time to give him anything. He died right on the x-ray table.

My vet is wonderful. She’s doing a post-mortem to find out what happened and hopefully prevent someone else from losing their pet.

We drove over 9 hours up north and back home later that day to see my 98 year old grandmother (mémère). She looks amazing. But she is 98. Her hearing is going, her eyes too. She now needs a cane to walk.

My bearded dragon Evee is still struggling with her jaw issues.

My husband has been diagnosed Parkinson’s (he’s 45).

I had to put down my 10 year old Pompoo little baby first week of June due to his health and increased aggression.

I lost my 18 year old cat just a few months before.

My MS symptoms have been flaring off and on.

I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

I wake up in the morning – breathless. It’s as though someone has been punching me in the stomach, I can’t breath.

I try to practice my breathing techniques and gratitude. We were able to afford a new van when ours broke a few weeks ago (well, sort of). I have three amazing, healthy, beautiful children. We have a home. I can pay our bills.

I’m so broken.

21 Pilots – Stressed Out

What’s Going On?

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“Looking mortality straight in the eye is no easy feat. To avoid the exercise, we choose to stay blindfolded, in the dark as to the realities of death and dying. But ignorance is not bliss, only a deeper kind of terror.” – Caitlin Doughty, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes Eyes: And Other Lessons From The Crematory

Death is no illusion

Death does not wait

Death knows no time
Death knows no boundaries
Death knows no race
Death knows no class

Death does not steal

Death knows no cares
Death knows no seasons
Death knows no peace
Death knows no war

Death does not fade

Death is Death

4 Non Blondes – What’s Going On