“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” ― Voltaire

Before I moved into our new home, I have a beautiful Indian Ringneck parrot. She, however, had been aggressive towards my little birds (that I had before her), and I thought my best option was to rehome her.

Guilt is a large emotion. I feel it often. Rehoming her was the worse guilt I have had in a long time.

Fast forward a year and a half (about) later…the woman I rehomed her to could no longer care for her. I took her back instantly.

Welcome home, Kyra. I’m so sorry I let you down and didn’t push myself more for a better solution. Between Charman (the cat) trying to nab you, the littles getting hurt, and you being relegated to a cage because we were selling our house, I thought it was in your best interest. I see now just how wrong I was. I have missed you so much and I will carry that guilt with me always.

Guilt is one of my many demons. I have guilt for not being enough for everyone – human, animal, bird, everyone. Guilt for not calling my friends, guilt for not sending that email, guilt for not making it to that late show. I have guilt for not eating right in the past, guilt for not being enough for my husband, guilt for spending any money, guilt for not spending, guilt for not being able to get everything my kids could dream of.

Anxiety and guilt are best friends in my life.

I’m working on that. I’m working on letting go of the past. I’m working on ME.

Don’t let the demons swallow you up.

Imagine Dragons – Demons


“The best fantasy writer are the ones that stopped fighting with their inner demons, and started writing about them.” Solomon Woytowich

I don’t know if that is true or not, but maybe it’s time for me to embrace my inner demons.

There’s something inviting, about the darkness.

It’s open, airy. Not claustrophobic from a mask of smiles

The darkness has a certain warmth to it, a calling.

It doesn’t judge or condescend. It’s just there.



A nothing of nothing.

Whispering demons at the edge, perhaps but – it is still nothing.

It is only darkness.

A deep pool that absorbs all colour, all emotion.

Is that a demon then? A darkness without emotion, colour, sense or sensibility?

An unending void.

An abyss full of demons

and nothing.

Imagine Dragons – Demons

Musings in pain


I was blissfully enjoying my morning routine, preparing to get the baby to go to the sitter’s, so I could head back to work when IT happened.

What is IT? IT is my sock feet slipping on faux hardwood stars and my landing squarely on the lip of the next step on my back and sliding down the remaining couple of steps. Cue pain, shock, sweat, cold – did I mention pain? This was on Tuesday, my first day back to work after 5 days off (long weekend included).

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Source: Goodreads).

So right you are J.K.! So right…

The doctor at the ER put me off work for the next 2 days. So here I am, back to work on a Friday and eternally grateful that tomorrow is Saturday. The doctor prescribed me muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories. I didn’t think the relaxants were really doing anything until today. You see, I can’t take them while working because they cause drowsiness (they knock me out). I need to work, ergo no relaxants. The anti-inflammatories do very little for pain I have learned (the hard way). Even sitting at my desk I can feel every bump and bruise caused by my fall. I’m always overweight, so I imagine my fall wouldn’t have hit so hard had I not had the extra baggage on me.

I had even packed my gym bag for that day, hopeful that I would get to work out on the weights at my work gym. My husband took one look at the bag after my spill and said, “you won’t be needing that for a while.” Fuck.

He not only took great care of me, he also had to call into work and miss his shift to take me to the hospital. This was sweet, and bad. We need the money, he doesn’t get paid for missing work. I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a demon inside. It has an insatiable hunger. It wants to feel everything, eat everything, it needs everything. It’s not me.

Imagine Dragons – Demons