“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.” ― Dr. Seuss
I always thought being an adult would be so much easier than it is. I think everyone does.
I remember reaching my 20s and thinking that I was so mature, yet knowing I was not ready for the world.
By the time I hit my 30s, I had two young children and was in a desperately unhappy marriage. My children where my focus and I thought I had it all under control.
By the time I hit my 40s, I’d been through a horrible divorce, chronic illness, new love, growing children, a new child at 40, mortgage payments, bills, bills bills…
I’m only 45 now. I’m still young. What have I learned about being and adult in this time? It’s hard as fuck. It can be rewarding as hell. It’s usually a rollercoaster of ups and downs, life and death, bliss and deep depression.
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss
I’m pretty sure I’ve used that quote before, but it fits this post to a “T”. It’s a post created through raw emotion and memories that have faded.
This beautiful young girl was my best friend.
27 years ago yesterday (I couldn’t write this yesterday), she was ripped from our lives by a selfish sociopath. I won’t write his name here. I was going to. I was going to call him out and let the world know that HE gets to live, get married (he is), and go on.
Pam was 14 years old. She had called me before going out that night to tell me about her new stockings her mom had bought her. Her mom had to travel over an hour away to get them. They were special to go with her grade 9 prom dress. Back then, junior high was grades 7 to 9.
Her dress was black from the mid hip up, and with a gorgeous purple skirting. She was so excited. I can still remember the sound of her voice when I think of that phone call. She hung up saying she would talk to me later. She hung out with a group she normally didn’t. She never called me again…
You would think after 27 years that the pain of loss would lessen. Granted, it’s not as intense as it used to be, but I’m still sitting here crying.
Pam was intense, vivacious, confident. When she walked into a room, you knew it because she was the life of the party. She got me to hitchhike (something I had never done before), she made me step out of my comfort zone in so many ways. She was magnetic. Even though I was the oldest (I was 17 when she died), I never felt like it – she was mature beyond her years. She was rebellious. She loved her parents deeply. As much as she fought with her older sister, she loved her deeply too.
I still remember spending the night and her knocking on her bedroom wall, calling to her mom (it was morning), “Mom, can you bring me some orange juice?” Of course, her mom did. Pam knew her mom would. Her parents would have done anything for her. Her loss was too much on them all.
Everything Pam did was done with intensity and passion. We were crazy kids. We did things we shouldn’t, we were carefree, we loved life. There was 4 of us in our group of best friends. Pam, me, Gena and Rhonda. We were joined at the hips and that was that. We made nicknames for each other. Pam was Pam Pam. I was Gwembles. It’s awful, but I can’t remember what Gena and Rhonda’s were (though I’m sure they’ll remind we).
The other three of us still live. We have families, we’ve had marriages, two of us divorced, one remarried (me lol). We are still best friends.
This time of year, I often wonder how Pam would have turned out as an adult. I have no doubt that we would still be friends. But how much different would our lives had been with her in it?
We’ll never know.
Poison was her favourite band. I think she would have been devastated to know they split up. C.C. DeVille was her favourite member. She had a large poster on her ceiling over top of her bed.
This song was played at her memorial service. Even now I have a hard time listening to it.
“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
I have ZERO focus.
This is me –
You see my youngest is going to be 3 in January. He KNOWS Santa is coming. His unbelievable excitement has spilled out onto me.
I think I may have a problem…well, not really. Well, I do. Because I LOVE making and giving presents and I’m a total cotton-headed ninny muffin as I do not have the money to do everything I want to do. I WANT TO GIVE ALL THE GIFTS!!!
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” ― Dr. Seuss
I think I need a lot of nonsense today, my brain woke up hurting (massive headache), and my wee one was up at 4 am – nursing till I finally had to get up and shower.
It is definitely one of those days.
I’m so tired, that after leaving the sitter’s I forgot that I dropped off my toddler. I was at a set of lights close to work and I had a moment of panic where I thought he was still in my van.I wish I was joking. A lack of sleep can do seriously whacked things to your brain.
You must be logged in to post a comment.