Forcing Myself Awake

I have to go get my son at 8:30 from his play night. I could crawl into bed right now…I am completely drained. I carried a lot of stress with me today, and I didn’t realize it until after the pediatrician appointment for my youngest.

My youngest is 15 months and looks like he is about 9 months. He’s almost 16 lbs; 7.22 kg or 15.9 lbs to be exact. He’s gained believe it or not. He’s grown too – he went from 26.9 inches last month to 28.7 inches today. Yes, we celebrated. His last remaining test came back negative (our pediatrician is awesome and wanted to play it safe and rule out a bunch of bad stuff). He’s still below the 3rd percentile (not a typo) BUT he’s growing, he’s super freaking happy, he’s just as sweet as came be and he is HEALTHY.

I worry. Who wouldn’t? Mostly I worry that people who don’t know us will think we’re starving him. The opposite is true – we try to feed him everything and bulk up what he does eat with butter and pure maple syrup and formula and pediasure…and…and…you get the idea. My little baby is super fussy and we’ve tried and tried to get him to eat a variety of foods (fruits, veggies – you name it, we’ve no doubt tried it multiple times). My two teens were not fussy, ever (not while they were this age anyway). This is a whole new experience for me.

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Seriously – LOOK AT HIM! He is so freaking cute! AND HAPPY and momma can chill out now.

*sigh* Now to work on that pesky weight issue…and positive thinking…and getting active…and to stop the wheeze in my chest. Oh right, I still need to stay awake long enough to get my older son.

It’s too late for coffee. The struggle is real. I don’t know if I can make it…hubby may have to after all.

I shared one of these before: Yellow Brick Cinema – 8 Hour Delta Waves Sleep Music: Relaxing Music, Sleeping Music, Meditation Music, Relaxation ☯964


“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton (source:

I want to be that candle. Now to get my body to agree with me. I’m trying to be upbeat. It’s not working. I’m having a bad day.

I joined our biggest loser thing here at my office. I lost a few pounds. I went to get weighed this morning and discovered I’d gained them back. I’m discouraged. I’m disgusted. I feel like crying. I’m in pain from my two walks yesterday. I feel like all I do is complain or make excuses. I’m also told I’m too hard on myself, but personally, I think I’m not hard enough.

I look in the mirror with disgust. Yes, I really do hate my body. I guess you could say I’m a thin, fit woman on the inside. That fit woman is begging to get out. She hates what she feels and doesn’t know – no – has forgotten how to attain her goals.

Baby steps. I need to remember that all good, positive change happens in baby steps. I do have health problems – I can’t just lunge into things and expect immediate change.

I’m the mirror watching the candle burn at both ends. I want to be the candle, breathing in the air around me, using it to fuel my transformation. Glow strong and bright.

The rain outside, though cleansing, isn’t helping my mood. The dampness has settled into my lungs and I am once again wheezing…and I can’t find my inhaler. *facepalm* Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far. I won’t melt in the rain, sometimes I even love to dance in it, but I prefer to be shielded by an umbrella.

Rihanna – Umbrella: