“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.” ― Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing

I feel like this every single day.

Will the landmine be in my mind, one of my children, my husband, my pets? What will the after shock be? Will I recover slow or quick?

I’m trying so hard to keep my energy going – but those bloody landmines keep getting in the way.

Kidney stone caused a late Monday trip to the hospital for me (oh joy), the Thursday before that my poor hubby was in agony from a horrible ear infection, now my youngest has an awful cold and is coughing all night, my eldest turns 17 next week and I have to figure out birthday plans, my middle child – he’s actually not doing bad. No landmines with him, well, except for the behavioural issues.

It’s almost 1 in the afternoon here and I have been ready for bed since I got up.

It’s also worth every waking moment.

I’ll take the landmines and the chaos they cause and use them to produce a life that is full and rich – full of love, laughter, tears, pain, joy, and a wealth in emotion and family. Don’t get me wrong, I would love a calmer existence, but that would be so much more boring.

Now to work on getting that exercise in and moving in the moment!

Ellie Goulding – Explosions

Explosions in the mind

“The geologist takes up the history of the earth at the point where the archaeologist leaves it, and carries it further back into remote antiquity.” Bal Gangadhar Tilak, The Arctic Home in the Vedas

I had a wicked dream last night. Wicked here means good.

I have two degrees (yes, two BAs, don’t ask). My first degree is in Anthropology and Classical studies (Double majored, was one 1 year credit from a minor in Russian studies {still burns me}). My second is in Archaeology. I presently work with Geologists.

Deep breath.

They are living proof that I could do what I dreamt of.

Last night I dreamt that I went and got my masters and ROCKED IT. Not only did I rock it, but then I managed to find work in my field here at home – which is quite literally impossible at this time (small, poor province).

I woke up feel excited, possibly even exhilarated. It’s crazy. I know that financially I can’t make it happen. But it was an amazing dream. I was respected in the field (and by field, I literally in the field – digging, I don’t care so much for accolades). People talked to me about it. It was just amazing.

My mind exploded for a while.

Then I woke up.

At least I’m feeling better.

Ellie Goulding – Explosions

Explosions of the mind

“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.” Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing (Source: Goodreads).

I have never heard it put so eloquently. What is it? It is the way I feel when I get out of bed. The mass of emotions, thoughts, dreams, fears, hopes, wishes, prayers, sensations – everything flooding in as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. A flood of everything in my life rushes in and I must parse it together and move on with my day.

Sometimes, it is too much and I find myself in a fog. Brain fog is common to MS and allergy sufferers. I find that my sleep and waking affect how bad it is. Stress makes it worse. Learning mindfulness would help. I’ve downloaded apps to try – ask me if I’ve used them. The answer would be – not yet. It’s funny how having children makes you focus on their wants and needs before your own. That is not always a healthy way to be. One needs to have time to decompress, especially after a rather bad day.

I’ve downloaded Stop, Breathe & Think, Calm, and Mindfullness. I’ve looked at their contents, they look good, I just need to set aside the time to use them. Time is such a funny, fickle thing. One moment can feel as though it fills a lifetime, the next moment a millisecond from the sense of implosion it passes so quickly.

Exploding in my mind
it passes through
pace by pace
a never ending
against the cloak of
thoughts into my mind
As I step onto the cold
of my floor
dreams that came
lost in the span
of a breathe
in time
lost inside the
explosions of my

Ellie Goulding – Explosions

Be Yourself

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde (Source: Goodreads).

So true, Oscar Wilde, so true. Problem is, many people (myself included) feel the need to reflect those around them in order to fit in. I fail at it miserably, and that’s a good thing. I’ve tried over the years to fit in, be one of the crowd, but I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

It used to bother me a lot. Maybe it was because I was bullied so much when I was younger that in my youth I was desperate to not stand out. Maybe. I was painfully shy for a long time, still introverted but now I talk too much to make up for it.

Now, I’m embrace my differentness. I hold it up like a shield to protect myself, and yet…I still wear a mask of sameness around those who don’t really know me. Why? Why do I feel a need to maintain that status quo and not just exude the life force within me?

I need to let go. I need to just let it all go and be who I truly am. I’ve got my hair back to it’s natural colour, but I think that is a statement of my neutrality on my own being. I love seeing the vivid colours people use now. I want to do that. Am I too old? Is it childish? I’m 41, I’ve wanted to do wild colours with my hair since I was a teen. It’s a desire that has never faded. But I work at a government office. I think walking in with baby blue hair with dark purple streaks may be frowned upon.

…some day…

Ellie Goulding – Dead in the Water