Edie

“i have laughed
more than daffodils
and cried more than June.”
― Sanober Khan

Sometimes it only takes one word for a bittersweet rush of memories to flood in.

I’ve been listening to Edie (Ciao Baby) on repeat all morning. I get obsessed with a song from time to time. A friend has a cat named Edie. I hear her name and instantly this song comes to mind.

Along with the song comes a flood of memories…teen to young adult memories. Driving in the summer with friends to the beach. The sun glittering off the water blinding me. The smell of the woodlands. The evanescent sense of embracing a love.

Memories of concerts loud, booming, throbbing with bodies moving in time. Closeness as that first kiss is on the verge of becoming true.

Memories of driving too fast. The rush of adrenaline from tipping it a little too far. The carefree roaming through a fairground, friends surrounding me.

Memories of lost ones, their voices still an echo in my mind. The feeling of the wind rushing past my waist-length hair out a car window. The spinning of the world, watching the stars in a swirl of light and bliss (usually alcohol driven at the time).

Memories of laughter, pleasure, naivety, innocence, pure unadulterated joy. The awfulness of hurt washed away in a flood of being.

Memories of times so wistful they have a dream-like iridescence about them.

Where has that young woman gone? Quiet rebellion, dancing with every song, moving amongst the throng of bodies; the music so loud our ears would ring and we did not care. We hugged, we laughed, we danced, we drank too much, we were.

Where has that sense of endless being gone? The tears fall freely, the sense of longing and loss are bitter pills to swallow. I’ve dreamt of recapturing that essence, but how?

The dogs lay at your feet, Edie
Oh, we caressed your cheek
Oh, stars wrapped in your hair
Oh, life without a care
Ciao baby

The Cult – Edie (Ciao Baby)

Letting go

“When you let go, you are truly free.” – Unknown

Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream about a poisonous person who was once in my life. I won’t go into great detail other than the person at the end was shown for who they were and I stood strong and proud and told them to get the fuck out of our lives.

You won’t see me swear often. That is quite literally what I told the person.

I honestly believe that the dream was my subconscious finally letting go of that person. The person has had a death grip on me. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt – all those types of emotions grew and nested within me while that person was a part of my life.

I can’t really explain it, but I feel better today. I feel as though I have had some kind of release. It’s wonderful. The downside of such vivid dreams is the after effects – I am exhausted. I have a feeling that today will be a long day due to this.

It’s ok. I can deal.

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts (Favourite line, “You’re going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.”)

Like A Girl

Dear Always,

Thank you. I love this new campaign. It actually brought me to tears as I was that girl, many years ago, made to feel weak and inferior even though I was strong and every bit as good as anyone else. Even as a now 40 year old mom, I am still made to feel this way due to my emotions, my gender, my size, my age, etc. I will be showing this to my daughter as she is struggling through teenage life. I also love how you made it about the women and girls and not about your brand.

Yours truly,

A mom still trying to heal old wounds.