Sabotage

“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Self-sabotage. I do it. I do it almost daily. I do it in my mental blocks. I do it in my self-loathing. I do it in my journey to health. I do it without consciously realizing I am doing it.

I keep hearing quips in my head. Little fragments of happy-go-lucky sayings that scratch at my brain, demanding attention. “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “Baby steps!”, “One day at a time.” “Just keep swimming.” (Actually, I love that last one, Dory is awesome).

This past summer I have had more energy and drive than I have had in YEARS. I wish that was hyperbolic, but it is, unfortunately, not.

I’ve been cutting old death growth off of the trees around our property, cutting back overgrown bushes. Getting thorns stuck in my hands from old rose bushes. I’ve been cleaning up old growth and creating a fence of sorts from the old branches and growth (nothing garbaged, everything re-used of composted). I’ve felt more capable this year than – well, I don’t remember that.

Back at the end of June or start of July (brain fog, can’t remember when for sure), I fell off my deck. This wouldn’t be a huge deal, it’s only a foot tall. What is the big deal is that there was a big stump where I fell…and I hit is HARD with my left shin. I almost passed out.

Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago. My left leg on the inside (anterior) beside the shin (tibia) starting hurting like hell. I decided to finally get it checked, especially since I still have bruising on my leg. I had injured my tibialis tendon – impact injury. It caused bad inflamation (seen on x-ray). I was told to rest, take anti-inflamatories.

Ok, not a bad thing…right? Wrong. I see the bariatric surgeon on the 23rd of this month to see if I am ready for gastric bypass surgery. My health issues make it hard to impossible to lose enough weight on my own – even with all the work I’ve done this summer, including walking our adorable pup, I have only managed to lose two pounds. In order to have gastric bypass you have to do certain things. One of those is NO NSAIDs, which are anti-inflamatories. Another – 30 minutes of exercise a day. The exact opposite of what the doctor said would heal my tendon.

On top of the anterior tibialis tendonitis, I also have tendonitis in my left elbow and my carpal tunnel in both hands has increased, most noticeably in my right.

What does all this mean? Fucked if I know. I feel like the universe is telling me to stay fat and I’m flipping the bird at the universe – even the constantly numb middle finger.

It’s like the powers that be are saying fuck you bitch – and I’m yelling back at them to BRING IT ON.

Have I sabotaged myself this time? Maybe. Personally, I would rather keep my energy going than lie down and absorb it all again. I don’t want to go gently into anything – I’m raging against it. I’m over all this pain and depression. It is constantly trying to suck me into that vortex of nothingness. The spiral of stagnation.

Am I going to keep this energy going? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Bonus – our baby girl is getting bigger…she’s 40 lbs at 5 months old. Sweet Dahlia – she’s a handful, but I love her snuggles and her.

Dahlia at 5 months old

Beastie Boys – Sabotage

Explosions

“Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.” ― Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing

I feel like this every single day.

Will the landmine be in my mind, one of my children, my husband, my pets? What will the after shock be? Will I recover slow or quick?

I’m trying so hard to keep my energy going – but those bloody landmines keep getting in the way.

Kidney stone caused a late Monday trip to the hospital for me (oh joy), the Thursday before that my poor hubby was in agony from a horrible ear infection, now my youngest has an awful cold and is coughing all night, my eldest turns 17 next week and I have to figure out birthday plans, my middle child – he’s actually not doing bad. No landmines with him, well, except for the behavioural issues.

It’s almost 1 in the afternoon here and I have been ready for bed since I got up.

It’s also worth every waking moment.

I’ll take the landmines and the chaos they cause and use them to produce a life that is full and rich – full of love, laughter, tears, pain, joy, and a wealth in emotion and family. Don’t get me wrong, I would love a calmer existence, but that would be so much more boring.

Now to work on getting that exercise in and moving in the moment!

Ellie Goulding – Explosions

Lust for Life

“Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” ― Thomas Hobbes

So much ENERGY in me today!

I heard this song on my radio this morning, and it has completely pumped me up. I feel so renewed these last few weeks.

About 4 weeks ago I started seeing a nutritionist/lifestyle coach. Clean eating – and binging on happy tunes. That’s all I’ve been doing…so far. In those 4 weeks I have lost almost 13 lbs and gained and enormous amount of energy! I am loving the food I am eating, and even my pain is reduced. Funny what eating unprocessed, sugar free food can do for a body…

The first week was a bit miserable – coming off a sugar addiction, coffee, and bad fats, plus a gastroenteritis bug thrown in for fun (good times, not). But since that all finished – my brain fog is less and less, my sleep improved – even my eyes look clearer to others! My skin tone is more even.

I knew all this was possible, but having someone guide you makes all the difference in the world.

I’m not going to fool myself – I know with my MS and depression/anxiety it will always be a battle for me; but I’m armed now and ready for combat.

Curiosity is what lead me to this wonderful person who is helping me. I constantly love to learn. For years that desire took a backburner while illness and responsibilities came to the forefront but man – oh man – am I ever ready to dive back in head first and with all the lust for life that I can manage!

I’ve finally learned to live in the now and it is amazing!

Iggy Pop – Lust for Life

Writing it out

It’s funny how sometimes actually seeing the words makes something more real, more defined.

I need to lose weight. This is no  big secret, and I’ve talked about it several times. However, just this afternoon, I worded it different today.

A few years back I lost a lot of weight. Managed to get down to 130 lbs and felt incredible. My goal is between 130 and 100 (before anyone freaks, I’m only 5′ 1″ and I am pretty sure I have shrunk – 100 is well within the range of normal for my height).  Right now, as of this day if I were to lose the weight and carry it around I would NOT be able to.

In other words, if I were to reach 100 lbs, I would be losing almost 105 lbs – I carry this weight around with me ALL day EVERY day…ALL DAY LONG. It would be the equivalent of me carrying my 15 year old daughter around all day. I would not be able to do it. I would be exhausted, drained. I would feel weakness after a period of time, it would be difficult to focus, walking would be hard and/or painful.

Guess what? Walking IS hard. I just went for a walk and my shins and ankles hurt like hell. I AM constantly exhausted, drained, depressed. I DO feel weak constantly. I know that the strain on my body is tremendous. Anyone who thinks being obese is ok for your health has never truly experienced what being healthy is. I can guarantee that WHEN I lose the weight (yes, I said WHEN because I WILL) that I will have ten times the energy I do now, the focus, and I will be far less pain. How do I know this? Because I have been there.

No, I don’t need to reach 100 lbs. 120 lbs would probably be great. It’s NOT the number on the scale I am worried about so much as my health. If I reach 120 – 130 lbs and am HEALTHY, in less pain and far more active – I’ll be stoked.

Writing it out – well – it really helps bring it into perspective.