Tag: exhaustion

Fallen

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” ― Ernest Hemingway

I live with many mask.

I wear them at different times, sometimes together.

Right now, for instance, on the outside I wear the mask of the dutiful worker, compliant and conforming (well, mostly). I wear the mask of the dutiful mother, wife, daughter.

Inside, where there are no masks to wear, I am broken.

On the weekend, I wore the mask of mom. It’s not really a mask though, it is one of my many aspects, but it masks the pain and anguish.

My head/scalp, neck and shoulders have been numb for a couple of weeks now. My doctor believes my MS is flaring a bit. I get symptoms, but haven’t had a full flare in years. My MS is considered mild.

Cognitively, my MS has robbed me of so much. Memories gone, thoughts scattered in the wind.

Depression has become my constant companion. Even with the joy of starting to lose weight, my children, new pets, life…it is always there. Sometimes harsher than at others.

When the depression comes, I wear the mask of happiness, a false smile, over exuberance to compensate for the lack of true emotive joy.

Few things truly make me happy now. My children. When my youngest smiles at me, my heart smiles back. My pets…my bearded dragon and my budgies (my two newest additions) get me out of bed in the morning and functioning because they depend on me to survive. I love these two little birds. They are still juveniles, but we think they are male as their ceres are a purplish hue (adult males have blue ceres – the area around the nostrils). I’ve only had them since last week, and they already provide me with more than they will ever fathom.

Spook & Lemon

I’m not ok. I wear a mask of being fine, but I know I’m not.

I try. I really truly try.

I feel so broken lately. My older son has so many issues. I love him with all my heart, I love all my children deeply. My older ones have broken me. I don’t know what to do for them anymore, how to help them, how to cope. Even if I am right and they know it, I am still wrong, that in itself is not unusual – the reactions from them, however, are.

I’m tired. I want to spend a month in bed, but my body would ache from the pressure on it.

I’m tired of this rollercoaster. Just once would I so love to have a day of peace. No arguing, no loud noises, no door slams, no stomping, no screaming at me, no swearing at me, no expectations. Just one day to ‘be’.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sarah McLachlan – Fallen

Dream On a.k.a It’s 2017, Let’s do this

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist    

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora

I couldn’t pick which quote I wanted more today. They are both so apropos.

I dream big. I fear big. This causes an unending stream of anxiety and depression with massive ups, and terrible downs.

I love to create. I love knitting, reading, crafting, writing. My body, though, hates me. My wrist cause painful numbness in my hands (carpal tunnel), my back and neck crick and crack (osteoarthritis in my upper spine), my hips bemoan me (bursitis, sciatica – I fell down some stairs almost two years ago and still have not healed). My knees snap and crackle with derision (possibly arthritic), my feet prickle and groan when I walk (plantar fasciitis), and the mind grows exhausted; ever fighting the good fight (Multiple sclerosis).

I still dream big. I dream of being so healthy that not even my kids can keep up. I dream of hiking again in the woods, following what ever deer trail presents itself. I dream of creating creatures from clay, writing my ever more distant novel, completing a tome of poetry. I dream of recording myself reading to my youngest, singing lullabies, rocking it out at a concert without needing a seat close by.

I dream of being free of anxiety and fear. Confident in every stride I take, every word I write, every thought spoken.

I dream that this year I will finally find a way to make it all happen. That the pain, fear, anxiety, exhaustion will all fall away with the spring rains, and never return.

A woman can dream, right?

Aerosmith – Dream On

Tired

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”
― Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell

Fitting poem for today. I think I now understand why my doctor wanted me off work longer. I am tired as fuck.

My new anxiety/depression medication is working great. My new sleep medication…yeah…it leaves a little to be desired.

Oh, MS – you FUCKING SUCK.

I had my chiropractor suggest a clinic an hour away that treats hormonal issues. She mentioned that many of my symptoms could be caused by a hormone imbalance. Unfortunately, I have used so much time already for orthodontic work, eye care, dental care, doctors, physiotherapist…one over an hour away will have to wait until next year I fear.

I’m not one to swear a lot in my writing, but today is a swear worthy day. I feel like a train wreck happening in slow motion. You know that the train is going to derail, but you try to think of a way to stop because you think you have time, but time is part of the illusion and delusion.

Exhaustion headaches, numbness in my scalp, brain fog, numbness…oh wait, I already said that.

Bright side – it’s almost the weekend and I can have a bit of rest as it is a long weekend. I have an old friend coming over for a barbecue this evening, and hope to be asleep before 9 tonight…hope. I always have hope. Maybe that’s part of the delusion.

I’m tired as fuck with no end in sight.

Well…maybe I can knit or colour tonight too…that’s a silver lining for me…or game. Sidebar – the new WoW expansion (Legion) is freaking awesome.

The Tragically Hip – Tired As Fuck

Don’t know

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I’m not twenty. I’m forty-one.

I’m forty-one going on ninety. My feet hurt. My ankles hurt, my arms, hips, jaw, head hurt. My heart hurts.

I’m exhausted beyond exhausted.

Stress is a killer.

literally

…and then I tripped on this song. My brain has frozen.

Lady Gaga – Til It Happens to You

Chronic

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Behind every stressful thought is the desire for things to be other than they are.” ― Toni Bernhard, How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers

I am chronically ill.

That’s so weird to actually type out. I have a mild form of MS (yes, that really is possible – it’s not progressive, but I have lots of awesome symptoms *sarcasm*). I am chronically exhausted, chronically muddled in the head, chronically forgetful, chronically blah blah blah.

On last Friday I saw my neurologist again because the exhaustion, head numbness and brain fog were just getting too much. I can’t work well like that…at all. He suggested I could try a new medication. Something to help me stay alert. It works. But I hate that I am now on another medication.

Here’s what I take: reactine, singulaire, advair 500 (the disc), nasonex (yes, I have big time allergies and mild asthma which also affect cognitive function), citalopram (yay anxiety), imovane (occasionally when I get my insomnia), and now alertec to help me stay alert during the day. I also take vitamin D (5000 IU), a multivitamin for women, and nutrasea Omega 3. When I can afford it I also take pro-biotic (usually Bio-K which is freaking expensive).

I went through a phase about 6 years ago where I decided I hated medications and I refused to take them. It didn’t last. I was sick and had to work. I hate that I have to take so much crap just to feel 50% normal. I am so grateful that my illness is MILD compared to what many suffer.

I’m overweight. My size is the only outward appearance of my conditions. HOWEVER, I am working to change that.  I think that the alertec (called Modafinil here in Canada) will help. I feel far more alert with it. The last few days have been wonderful. Today is not so great, I woke with a migraine, but I’m working on that. I’m tired, but not tired. It’s a very odd sensation. I took my kids to a popular attraction on Saturday and carried my 18 month old most of the way. We walked a lot…it felt incredible to do it and feel great doing it!

Men Without Hats – The Safety Dance