“Before forty, you think that exhaustion is something like a long-lasting hangover. But at forty you learn all about it. Even your passions exhaust you.” Kevin Barry

HA! This is so apropos for today. My youngest is 18 months old today…and was nursing and fussing for the last two nights. Meaning I got no sleep or very little. Last night he was so fussing that if I even moved he would squawk a bit.

Needless to say, today, my brain is fried. The fog has rolled in, the ship has sailed. I’m debating how much I will actually accomplish today.

I also realize that I use the exhaustion tag WAYYYY too much.

Murray Head – One Night in Bangkok

Blarg….something, something…Friday

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.” Kurt Vonnegut

I’m hoping today is a day filled with laughter, because I am bone exhausted and unsure how I’m going to make it through. Massive brain fog all week means being even more watchful for mistakes at work. Actually, I have to be watchful of everything I do, which makes everything even more exhausting.

Every now and then, I get down. Not emotionally down, but physically down. I push and push and push and then SNAP – I break. I have to rest…do nothing. Take a huge step back. BUT as any parent can tell you, that is not always possible.

You have to laugh through it, otherwise it will bury you.

Skrillex and Diplo – “Where Are Ü Now” with Justin Bieber

Writing it out

It’s funny how sometimes actually seeing the words makes something more real, more defined.

I need to lose weight. This is no  big secret, and I’ve talked about it several times. However, just this afternoon, I worded it different today.

A few years back I lost a lot of weight. Managed to get down to 130 lbs and felt incredible. My goal is between 130 and 100 (before anyone freaks, I’m only 5′ 1″ and I am pretty sure I have shrunk – 100 is well within the range of normal for my height).  Right now, as of this day if I were to lose the weight and carry it around I would NOT be able to.

In other words, if I were to reach 100 lbs, I would be losing almost 105 lbs – I carry this weight around with me ALL day EVERY day…ALL DAY LONG. It would be the equivalent of me carrying my 15 year old daughter around all day. I would not be able to do it. I would be exhausted, drained. I would feel weakness after a period of time, it would be difficult to focus, walking would be hard and/or painful.

Guess what? Walking IS hard. I just went for a walk and my shins and ankles hurt like hell. I AM constantly exhausted, drained, depressed. I DO feel weak constantly. I know that the strain on my body is tremendous. Anyone who thinks being obese is ok for your health has never truly experienced what being healthy is. I can guarantee that WHEN I lose the weight (yes, I said WHEN because I WILL) that I will have ten times the energy I do now, the focus, and I will be far less pain. How do I know this? Because I have been there.

No, I don’t need to reach 100 lbs. 120 lbs would probably be great. It’s NOT the number on the scale I am worried about so much as my health. If I reach 120 – 130 lbs and am HEALTHY, in less pain and far more active – I’ll be stoked.

Writing it out – well – it really helps bring it into perspective.

It’s Really Nice Outside…

…and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Blarg. Baby napping with his daddy, I slept in and couldn’t sleep, but feel like I’ve been hit by a 2×4. Face is puffy. Ah, allergies, you’re so much fun! I feel like I could sleep for a month, but can’t. What?! How is that even possible?

I would LOVE to go outside and clean up the yard. OR better yet, open up all the windows and clean house. That’s an even better plan. That takes energy. Dang it! What is this energy thing you speak of?

No call about my MRI yet. I wonder if this fatigue is related to MS. I mean, I know MS can cause extreme fatigue, but is it? Who knows.

Coffee isn’t helping either…I just feel more tired. That’s weird, right?

Maybe feeling inspired will help?

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle Onassis (source

So true. If I focus hard enough I can see it. I have a great support network – family, friends. I can see that light at the end of this tunnel.

Owl City – Fireflies:

Crushing the Mind

I don’t know how long now this numbness has been going on; I know it’s been weeks. I finally called my family doctor as I’m feeling crushed. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember the word rhetorical. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it is. I love that I have a large and well-rounded vocabulary; losing any of it is a blow to me.

Sleep. A good night’s sleep would help I am sure, but when your 15 month old wakes at 2 or 3 am and nurses most of the night…well, sleep is elusive to say the least (yes, I am still breastfeeding – he is my last child of three and the only one I could successful nurse, WHO suggest nursing up to 24 months). Thank the Powers That Be my hubby is a good man who keeps up with most of the house for us. He is also a wonderful stay-at-home dad who works part-time. I told him to enjoy it, he would never get this time over again with our son (my older two are from a previous marriage, this is my hubby’s first biological child).

I need to renew my practice in mindfulness, yoga, and proper eating. I constantly fall off the train on them and I know they would make all the difference in my life. It’s hard. I would love to be one of those people who find activity and proper nutrition come naturally to them. Even when I was a teen I had to struggle to be active. I made myself join cheerleading in my last year of high school and did it for two years at university. I loved it. But it was hard to find the energy. I remember going to dances with my friends and being the only one to fall asleep at a table (I’m not joking).

Oh to get a wonderful night’s sleep and actually feel rested. I wonder how that feels…

8 Hour Deep Sleep Music: Delta Waves, Relaxing Music Sleep, Sleeping Music, Sleep Meditation ☯159 – Yellow Brick Cinema: