Tag: fear

Grace Kelly

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“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve been doing a lot of introspective thinking about myself. Why I have anxiety, why I have depression, why is life a constant battle for me?

Fear.

We all have the power to do what we need to do in our lives. We have choices. I often hear that we are the only ones responsible for the choices we make. This is truth.

I often have allowed fear to rule my choices. I’ve allowed fear to control me, instead of me controlling fear.

Fear of succeeding, fear of being a burden, fear of letting everyone down (how could I possibly satisfy everyone?), fear of pain, fear of conquering, fear of pretty much everything.

It’s ridiculous, and taxing. It’s stressful and anxiety producing. It is self-defeatist. There is no one in the world that everyone likes. There is no one in the world that has never let someone down.

I WANT to be fit. I WANT to be active. I WANT to feel good and be healthy. Anything after those would be icing on the cake.

Mike – Grace Kelly

Dream On a.k.a It’s 2017, Let’s do this

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“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist    

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora

I couldn’t pick which quote I wanted more today. They are both so apropos.

I dream big. I fear big. This causes an unending stream of anxiety and depression with massive ups, and terrible downs.

I love to create. I love knitting, reading, crafting, writing. My body, though, hates me. My wrist cause painful numbness in my hands (carpal tunnel), my back and neck crick and crack (osteoarthritis in my upper spine), my hips bemoan me (bursitis, sciatica – I fell down some stairs almost two years ago and still have not healed). My knees snap and crackle with derision (possibly arthritic), my feet prickle and groan when I walk (plantar fasciitis), and the mind grows exhausted; ever fighting the good fight (Multiple sclerosis).

I still dream big. I dream of being so healthy that not even my kids can keep up. I dream of hiking again in the woods, following what ever deer trail presents itself. I dream of creating creatures from clay, writing my ever more distant novel, completing a tome of poetry. I dream of recording myself reading to my youngest, singing lullabies, rocking it out at a concert without needing a seat close by.

I dream of being free of anxiety and fear. Confident in every stride I take, every word I write, every thought spoken.

I dream that this year I will finally find a way to make it all happen. That the pain, fear, anxiety, exhaustion will all fall away with the spring rains, and never return.

A woman can dream, right?

Aerosmith – Dream On

Bangarang!

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“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

We need more lost boys and girls. They live life as if there is no tomorrow and yearn always for adventure. Change, fun, happiness, and a hunger for everything.

I remember watching “Hook” when Rufio came flying down the ramps on his skateboard and yelled, “Bangarang!” So much freedom and fearlessness.

Too many of us live with a fear inside that we need to battle. It’s frightening peering deep inside oneself and trying to overcome those fears. They wrap about the heart and embrace us in waves of anxiety and hesitation. Few want to leap off that cliff without knowing how far the fall is.

It is one of those fears, the fear of the unknown or of other, that keeps many from embracing a world of peace and love. I would argue no single person is free of that one fear. Fear of other encompases many things – cultural fear, religious fear, spiritual fear, etc.

We need more lost boys and girls that are fearless and embrace the other in a spirit of adventure and pure unadulterated joy. We need more lost boys and girls to fly into the unknown, reaching further into that depth to encompass the world in the joy and love it will bring.

We need more Peter Pans that aren’t afraid of anything.

Skrillex – Bangarang feat. Sirah

White Flag

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“Revenge in the hands of your enemies is a loaded gun. You can beg them for mercy, wave the white flag of surrender, but the only true elixir for the vitriol they bestow is a measure of hatred dispensed of your own.” ― Addison Moore, Wicked

I’m waving the white flag, surrendering unto myself.

I’ll not fight anymore, the images in the mind, the blood in my veins

flowing with intent, with fervor

I’m waving the white flag, surrendering unto you

I’ll not fight anymore, the will you have, the ardent fervor in your eyes

following my every more, with fervor

I’m waving the white flag, surrendering unto all

I’ll not fight anymore, the fires were ignited long ago, the breath of summer

flowing with intent, with fervor

I feel that I surrendered myself a long, long time ago. Inside there is a passionately soul, imprisoned in a wall of fear and self-loathing. The prison grows, year after year. It builds upon itself time and again. Time will tell if that prison can be broken down, torn brick by brick until the soul is released; freed from the shackles that time and fear imposed.

I feel that my will needs be stronger, grow more, feel more. Walled away as it has been, it has grown feeble minded, dilapidated…an old home shambling apart. Torn down and built stronger time and again, it will rebuild once again. It will be rebuilt.

Dido – White Flag

Too long…

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“There are too many books I haven’t read, too many places I haven’t seen, too many memories I haven’t kept long enough.” ― Irwin Shaw

Time has been on my mind a lot lately. How much time is left before my eldest gets her license…then graduates. How much time is left before my middle child does the same. How long will it take for my youngest to tell me I am mean and he hates me.

I’ve made no secret of it – I have MS. When you have plaques (scars, really – plaques is a nice way to say your brain damaged) it affects everything. My anxiety has worsened and my ADD as well – both to the point that I have to take medication for them. I am not able to focus long enough to meditate  – which would be the ideal calming balm to my restless, damaged mind.

Time weighs on me.

My father’s mother had Alzheimer’s. There is such a beast as MS dementia, very similar. A person on the outside can look completely healthy, but the brain literally gets eaten away by the disease.

Time frightens me.

With every passing day, I feel my insecurities, my lack of willpower, my inabilities grow in volume – their voices drowning out the ones that scream to fight!

Even now I rely on spell check programs to ensure I make as few errors as possible.

I’m not too bad – not really. I am still able to work full-time. I do have bad days. I have had a lot of stress in recent months – my doctor believes I am having an MS flare. The numbness is what bothers me most. No one can see it. They can’t feel it. But it is ALWAYS there. It never leaves, at least not lately. I have had to get glasses – one nearsighted eye, one farsighted. I am in physiotherapy trying to build my body back to from where it has fallen. Arthritis in my knees, and neck. But the stress – yes, stress is a MS trigger. Without stress, I probably would be ok. But, who can avoid stress?

Right?

I’m not having a pitty party though – NO, do not mistaken this for that. This is more my way of explaining why I haven’t posted in a long while. Time runs away from me. I get caught up in trying to keep up, and all else falls to the side.

This is my way of putting it all out and bringing myself back out from the dark. It’s my battle cry – NO I will NOT go gently into that good night…

I WILL NOT.

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time