“. . . Like ashes of gold in a cinnamon-flame,
My youthful desires have been burnt with the years–
And tonight in the chilling sunset-wind
A cicada, singing, weighs on my heart.”
― Haoran Meng

It’s been a while.

The past year has been rough, to put it midly.

Am I a phoenix, rising from the ashes? Not really. I’m more an old nag trying to find a greener pasteur to ease my life.

I want to be a phoenix though. I’m losing hope. I’ve become numb. There’s ashes all around me and I don’t know how to sweep them away. I don’t know how to burn that fire to help me rise.

I’ve tried for over a decade to get help with my weight, my self image, my mental health. I’m so tired of fighting. My medications make me gain weight, my health conditions make it harder to lose weight. I’ve gone to a bariatric surgeon and got rejected due to my depression. I’ve tried every fad diet, every non fad diet, I’ve gone to a dietitian, trainer; when I say I have tried everything, I literally have – even those stupid fad pills.

My life is chaos. My husband is on the list for a Parkinson’s implant and cannot work until after that surgery minimum. Meanwhile, I chug along. Drive our child to school. drive to get coffee, drive to work, sit for eight hours, drive to home, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.

I’ve tried explaining my life to others. I get told – you just need to exercise more, you need to eat healthier, it’s all in your head, no gain without pain. I put on my mask and just nod in silent numb agreement. They don’t know. I eat healthy – I LOVE veggies, lean meats, I love healthy food. It’s finding the energy to properly prep and cook that I struggle with. I do all the manual labour at home – I shovel, I snow blow, I mow, I build, I care and tend to everyone in the house. I’m exhausted. My spoons are gone, they took the last train out years ago.

I want to read my books, but the fog in my head makes it almost impossible to focus. That’s almost more depressing than the physical. I was smart. Now, I feel empty.

I turned 49 this year. I have so many regrets.

This post took on a direction I didn’t expect. I’ve held on to so much over the last while. Lost two more friends within six months of each other. Getting older is painful. Menopause is miserable.

I’ll never be beautiful. I’ll never be the woman I want to be. Slim, active, flexible – I used to be those things and I didn’t even know it. I remember a saying, paraphrasing – youth is wasted on the young. What I wouldn’t give to have myself back, dig myself out of the ashes and hold myself up to the light.

Beauty from the ashes, life from the earth. Fill my heart up from that shimmering pool of fire. Make me feel that passion for life once again.

Céline Dion – Ashes

To live

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Oscar Wilde (Source: Goodreads).

I wonder sometimes if I am truly living my life or just watching it go by, existing without knowing I am just existing. Oblivious to true life, to sense and abilities.

I see some people and they seem to have such a lust for life. Everything they do is filled with passion and fueled by an inner fire I can only imagine. I want to feel that fire and let it burn through me.

I think I used to feel it. It was a long time ago. Whenever I dreamed of being an archaeologist or working on a dig. Sometimes when I dreamt of writing, any kind of writing. But my fire is a barely glowing ember that loses itself with every passing year.

Maybe I can still ignite it. Maybe…

Iggy Pop – Lust for Life

Foggy in here

Brain fog sucks. For anyone who experiences it, I really don’t think I need to explain why. At work, it causes me to make mistakes, and I hate making mistakes. I know no one is perfect and mistakes happen, but I’m a perfectionist and even small mistakes on my part drive me nutty.

Having the flu for five days this past week didn’t help either. Everyone in my house had it. Bathroom and bucket week. I’m still feeling drained, my head is numb and the fog has settled in. I’m starting to worry that I’m starting a flare up. I keep thinking if I just wait another day or two it will be gone. It’s not.

I want to sleep. I’m so exhausted. Trying to work is hard. But I do it. I have to. For my family. I am the primary earner, I have no choice. This week has been so hard. Between teens who are pushing boundaries, parent teacher interviews, toddler, work, flu, husband, taxes…broken vehicle in need of repair. Whine…whine…whine. Everyone has the same issues, just different landscapes. I need to move on and deal with it.

I honestly think that if the sun would stay out for more than a day and if all the damned snow would melt I would start to feel better mentally, which would lead to physical wellness. I love sunny days (not hot, just sunny).

I can’t wait to feel the grass beneath my feet and take my toddler to dance in the warm rains of a true Spring/Summer.

I can’t wait to build sandcastles in the sand and feel the cool waters of a lake surround my body.

I can’t wait for the smell of a nice campfire, the crackling of the wood, the taste of marshmallows melted down.

But wait I must.

Bonus – being sick has helped me lose 5 pounds. LOL