“Do not allow people to dim your shine because they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses, cuz we were born this way bitch!” ― Lady Gaga
Ah, Lady Gaga – she says it so perfectly, sings it perfectly.
Am I LGBTQIA2s+ no. But I sure as fuck am an ally!!! Your folks dropped you? I’ll be your virtual mom now. Your friends just don’t get it or won’t accept it? I’ll be your friend. I don’t just celebrate and embrace the community at this time of year, I do it every day. I’m a proud mom to a member of the community. I’ve always been proud of her being who she is and just living her authentic self.
So, if you follow me and didn’t know how open minded and accepting I am, here you go. I should have said it years ago, and maybe I did! My memory is shit, but my heart is big enough for anyone who needs me (or just wants a friend!). Be warned though, I do suffer from chronic depression and generalized anxiety – sometimes I can go days, weeks, months without talking, but I still love you!
So, to all my fellow freaks, weirdos, rebels, and non-conformists, to my radicals, outgoing, impassioned, beautiful people, to my introverts, my coffee addicts, everyone and anyone in between – YOU ARE LOVED. You matter. You count. Keep that chin up and know that in this planet of eight billion+ souls, someone loves you, someone sees you.
Do me a favour and listen to songs that make you feel bliss and happiness. I may not attend Pride activities (I’m a hermit!), but my spirit is there dancing on the sidewalks and hugging all of you!
“i have laughed
more than daffodils
and cried more than June.”
― Sanober Khan
Sometimes it only takes one word for a bittersweet rush of memories to flood in.
I’ve been listening to Edie (Ciao Baby) on repeat all morning. I get obsessed with a song from time to time. A friend has a cat named Edie. I hear her name and instantly this song comes to mind.
Along with the song comes a flood of memories…teen to young adult memories. Driving in the summer with friends to the beach. The sun glittering off the water blinding me. The smell of the woodlands. The evanescent sense of embracing a love.
Memories of concerts loud, booming, throbbing with bodies moving in time. Closeness as that first kiss is on the verge of becoming true.
Memories of driving too fast. The rush of adrenaline from tipping it a little too far. The carefree roaming through a fairground, friends surrounding me.
Memories of lost ones, their voices still an echo in my mind. The feeling of the wind rushing past my waist-length hair out a car window. The spinning of the world, watching the stars in a swirl of light and bliss (usually alcohol driven at the time).
Memories of laughter, pleasure, naivety, innocence, pure unadulterated joy. The awfulness of hurt washed away in a flood of being.
Memories of times so wistful they have a dream-like iridescence about them.
Where has that young woman gone? Quiet rebellion, dancing with every song, moving amongst the throng of bodies; the music so loud our ears would ring and we did not care. We hugged, we laughed, we danced, we drank too much, we were.
Where has that sense of endless being gone? The tears fall freely, the sense of longing and loss are bitter pills to swallow. I’ve dreamt of recapturing that essence, but how?
“The dogs lay at your feet, Edie
Oh, we caressed your cheek
Oh, stars wrapped in your hair
Oh, life without a care
“When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ― Luke Davies, Candy
Addiction IS a disease. You can see someone everyday and not realise they have an addiction. They may show signs once in a while, but rarely do you see the whole picture until shit hits the fan.
I’ve known people throughout my life who have suffered from one form of addiction to another. Some you would NEVER know, others were painfully obvious.
The one thing all have in common are the questions – why are they doing it? Aren’t they afraid of losing everything? Can’t they control it? What is WRONG with them? The flip side to those are of course related to the ones who care for them and usually people accusing them of enabling the addiction.
Addicts don’t want to be addicts. They have an impulse so strong to attain that which they are addicted to that nothing matters. Consequences are not part of the equation, until the shit hits the fan. They would rather beg forgiveness and let go in the moment. Until everyone has left them to their own devices, the addict will always feel that things will be OK (not necessarily in the OK way non-addicts would see life).
Just remember to be kind. No matter what happens. Be kind to the homeless addict, your kindness may be the only one they get. Be kind to the loved one struggling with what to do, yours may be the only kindness that helps. Be kind to the people who work with addicts, they deal with a huge burden of care most of us could not even imagine.
Remember to act with kindness and love, you never know the path that lead someone to where they are. Remember that that person is somebody’s someone and that somebody loves them.
“Dying is easy. Anyone can throw themselves onto the pyre and rest a happy martyr. Enduring the suffering that comes with sacrifice is the real test.” ― Jay Kristoff, Stormdancer
After my last post I began thinking of the mindset parents of high needs children have.
I feel that I am a sucker for pain. Not physical, but emotional. I love all my children unconditionally, but can easily state my youngest (who is not high needs) is by far the easiest of the three. Mind you, my older two are teens on top of high needs – it’s so complicated for them, my heart breaks.
Friends ask me why I don’t go out or go out often. The simple answer is this – I’m drained. I work full-time. I had a chronic illness. I have two amazing teens who have a complicated diagnosis of emotional, behavioural, and learning issues. I won’t call them disabilities. They are both extremely intelligent (as the assessing therapist and teachers have all agreed). That intelligence is a part of what gets them in trouble the most ironically. The know a lot of ‘stuff’ but lack the tools (emotionally, maturity wise) to utilize the information appropriately.
That’s generalizing a lot. It’s not an every day occurrence. I find that some weeks they are fan-freaking-tastic. Other weeks – I swear the world leaders opted to have them duke out WWIII in my living room. They so much as look at each other the wrong way and the battle begins.
Some people say that is normal for siblings. Yes, it is – but only to a point. What I am speaking of is the extremes. The wall punching, breaking glass extremes.
“They need more hardlined consequences.” *shy* if I had a dollar for every time I heard this…well, you know the drill. I wonder, sometimes, if people actually believe I hadn’t tried everything…children with the issues my two have do NOT respond to man-made ‘normal’ consequences. They just don’t. I can tell my two year old that if he colours on the table I will take his markers away and know that the next time he will be more prudent. My teens – it never worked…never. I tried. I tried everything.
My husband is the martyr in my life – no he’s not dead. He loves my older two as his own and has always been a wonderful step-dad to them. He listens. He cares. I can’t even begin to explain how much of a good person he was and is to have taken ALL of us on knowing how many issues we have. I told him up front and was honest about it all, he still loves us. WE are deserving of love. My teens more than I can say are so deserving of that love. When they have their good weeks – as I said above – they are amazing. Helpful, kind, considerate, polite to the point I have had strangers compliment my parenting! That felt wonderful.
I didn’t really know where I was going with today’s posts. I write this blog as a coping/healing mechanism for myself. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most open person, but this felt right.
If you are a parent dealing with high needs children – no matter the diagnosis – know you are not alone. Your child is NOT damaged, your child is NOT disabled, your child IS worth every step, your love WILL help even in the darkest times, YOU are worth it. You’re sanity and health needs must come first though, don’t make my mistake of neglecting yourself to the point of not knowing how to get back to you. If you can’t help yourself, you will never be able to help anyone else effectively (notice I added effectively – you can help, but you will be running on empty always as I do). Love yourself and allow yourself to be loved.
Stop being a sucker for pain, and start being a lover of healing and peace. Even if you can only do that for you – the side benefit is that your child WILL by default have a better chance as you will have more patience and calm.
Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft X Ambassadors – Sucker for Pain
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