“Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune
Modern age. Are we really so modern?
Trapped by the screens of our lives
Endless typing, skimming, surviving.
Anyone really alive anymore?
Cogs in the wheels of the master’s machines. Need money – borrow it! Need food – use your borrowed money, don’t make it yourself! Easy! Convenient! Stress, anxiety, depression, sickness…death.
Were simpler times really that simple? Toil for your food, toil for your bed, sludge through the drudgery of mud and decay to survive another day. Was there anyone really living?
Parts of great machines, we are. The anarchists try to clog up the gears, but it keeps chugging on.
Buy now! Save! Supplements to make you fit, lean, healthy! Big pharm, big alternative health, big money – now! Is there anything real anymore?
The machine keeps on trucking forward.
Extinctions, pestilence, plagues, climate, ignorance…a self-proclaimed end of days that the machine keeps sloughing towards.
A few try to break the cycle. Merely gnarls in the trunk of the axles that spin the wheels. The cogs stuck in congestion of traffic, smog or fog?
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher
Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.
When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.
As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.
That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.
Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.
Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.
I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.
He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.
I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” ― Elbert Hubbard
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates
Life is so funny. One minute you think you know something, you are so sure of it. The next – you are rethinking your universe.
I’ve had this happen to me several times over the years. Big life changes do that to a person.
As you grow up and age, you look to the future, you wonder, you think, you think you know everything, until you realize you know nothing.
At 16, I couldn’t wait to get my license. I knew it all.
At 19, I couldn’t wait to go to an actual bar (I have always looked young for my age and could never get in under aged) and finish university. I wanted to be an archaeologist and looked forward to that day. I yearned to know more.
At 25, I was getting married and looking forward to having children. The dream of archaeology put aside. I knew nothing and was told so.
At 26, I had my first child. My life became all about her. I wanted and looked forward to making life better for all of us.
At 28, I adopted my second child. My life became more complicated and full of love for my children. I questioned everything about who I was and the universe around me. I knew nothing and was told so.
At 33, I became a single mother due to the breakdown of my marriage. I became a hermit, living for my children and questioning every move I made. I knew that I knew some things, but I had so much to learn.
At 34, I met the man who would be my future husband and couldn’t wait to know him better. He lived several hours away, and I carried on as a single parent. My children are and were my universe, but I still questioned everything. My ex-husband and I would divorce a few years later, I still have lingering issues from that part of my life.
At 37, my love moved in with us and I no longer was a single parent. I questioned myself a little less, knowing he loved my kids like his own.
At 39, I found out I was going to have another child. He was our accidentally on purpose baby – we didn’t think I could get pregnant, but we wanted to try. I had been diagnosed with a mild form of MS, and have asthma. I tend to get sick a lot. But the doctor and neurologist both agreed that I would be ok and they were right. It was easier than my first pregnancy and I questioned less; I only looked forward to his arrival.
At 40, well, three days after my 40th birthday my youngest was born. I questioned my sanity, and my abilities. He was so worth it all. That summer my husband and I married. I knew that I knew nothing…I still know this. Faith, life, love – all of it, a huge chasm of knowledge waiting.
Now, I am almost 42. My youngest is almost 2. My eldest will be 16 soon, my middle child just turned 14. Life is hectic, crazy sometimes, loving and angry, anxious and scared, but most of all, I know that I know very little about them all – about my children, about life. As I enter this stage in my life, I have so much left to learn and look forward to.
Life Through My Eyes 