Here Comes The Sun

“May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

Summer has hit the ground running, and so have I. I’ve been keeping a secret – I’ve finally managed to start losing weight (in a healthy way) AND have energy! Yes, I still have MS fatigue, but I am motivated. I want to move constantly, even when in pain.

My yard is not large, but I love it. I have worked on the gardens there, worked on the plants, cleaning up old growth, overgrown vine, pear trees that were left to run with no one to tend them. A beautiful rose bush left to be scraggly and gnarled were cut back last year and are growing in a lush, full green. I can’t wait to see them bloom. There was a lilac bush left to grow into a gnarled, ragged tree. I trimmed it far back as well; the new green is full and gorgeous.

There was a raised garden bed left to overgrow, the only decent remnants were chives and mint left wild and full. Those beds have been tilled under, the chives moved (though ants remain in them, so they await replanting). A new, smaller, garden was tilled (all work by me) with new plants to start.

The new garden bed.
Old bed tilled under

I’ll need to take more photos of the front and full back. The branches you see around the perimeter where the trimings from the overgrown trees that I turned into a fence like structure. I absolutely love the feel of it all. My only complaint – ANTS! There are ants everywhere.

The sun has brought light back into my life – literally and figuratively. I want to be outside. I want to dig my toes into the ground and squish the soil. I want my hands to be soiled from the work I’ve down. I want the rabbits to come play, and the birds to come feed.

Here comes the sun, and I’m going to worship it every day that I can.

The Beetles – Here Comes The Sun

Sabotage

“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Self-sabotage. I do it. I do it almost daily. I do it in my mental blocks. I do it in my self-loathing. I do it in my journey to health. I do it without consciously realizing I am doing it.

I keep hearing quips in my head. Little fragments of happy-go-lucky sayings that scratch at my brain, demanding attention. “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “Baby steps!”, “One day at a time.” “Just keep swimming.” (Actually, I love that last one, Dory is awesome).

This past summer I have had more energy and drive than I have had in YEARS. I wish that was hyperbolic, but it is, unfortunately, not.

I’ve been cutting old death growth off of the trees around our property, cutting back overgrown bushes. Getting thorns stuck in my hands from old rose bushes. I’ve been cleaning up old growth and creating a fence of sorts from the old branches and growth (nothing garbaged, everything re-used of composted). I’ve felt more capable this year than – well, I don’t remember that.

Back at the end of June or start of July (brain fog, can’t remember when for sure), I fell off my deck. This wouldn’t be a huge deal, it’s only a foot tall. What is the big deal is that there was a big stump where I fell…and I hit is HARD with my left shin. I almost passed out.

Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago. My left leg on the inside (anterior) beside the shin (tibia) starting hurting like hell. I decided to finally get it checked, especially since I still have bruising on my leg. I had injured my tibialis tendon – impact injury. It caused bad inflamation (seen on x-ray). I was told to rest, take anti-inflamatories.

Ok, not a bad thing…right? Wrong. I see the bariatric surgeon on the 23rd of this month to see if I am ready for gastric bypass surgery. My health issues make it hard to impossible to lose enough weight on my own – even with all the work I’ve done this summer, including walking our adorable pup, I have only managed to lose two pounds. In order to have gastric bypass you have to do certain things. One of those is NO NSAIDs, which are anti-inflamatories. Another – 30 minutes of exercise a day. The exact opposite of what the doctor said would heal my tendon.

On top of the anterior tibialis tendonitis, I also have tendonitis in my left elbow and my carpal tunnel in both hands has increased, most noticeably in my right.

What does all this mean? Fucked if I know. I feel like the universe is telling me to stay fat and I’m flipping the bird at the universe – even the constantly numb middle finger.

It’s like the powers that be are saying fuck you bitch – and I’m yelling back at them to BRING IT ON.

Have I sabotaged myself this time? Maybe. Personally, I would rather keep my energy going than lie down and absorb it all again. I don’t want to go gently into anything – I’m raging against it. I’m over all this pain and depression. It is constantly trying to suck me into that vortex of nothingness. The spiral of stagnation.

Am I going to keep this energy going? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Bonus – our baby girl is getting bigger…she’s 40 lbs at 5 months old. Sweet Dahlia – she’s a handful, but I love her snuggles and her.

Dahlia at 5 months old

Beastie Boys – Sabotage

Chiquitita

“Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita”

 – Benny Goran Bror Andersson, Bjoern K. Ulvaeus  (ABBA)

This song really hit home. Today most of all.

When I was a teen, I lost my best friend. She was murdered. Today, 26 years ago.

I realize this song is not about death, but the sentiment is the same. I danced again, I went on with my life. Some days are harder than others – life happens, it’s not always fair or kind. Sometimes life is brutally cruel, so much so that you see yourself on a high precipice waiting for the wind to waft you over the edge. But life can be wonderful too.

This week has been hard. Between migraines, teens, issues for family and friends that make me want to wrap them all up in the biggest hug I can, it’s been hard.

But there are always slivers of those silver linings. I’m knitting a goat for a friend and I am loving the way it is turning out, even though it is a crochet pattern! My baby boy (I still can’t believe he is 3!) has been so affectionate and sweet that my heart feels fuller than ever. Even my teens seem to be having a better week as well. Money is tight, but when isn’t it.

I discovered my Charlie ‘girl’, is actually a Charlie BOY LOL! I had a great giggle over that surprise last night (he’s maturing into a juvenile and it just became obvious last night).

Then today hits. The anniversary of when life changed for myself and my group of friends. It really brings into focus all that I have to be grateful for. I have three really healthy kids. Sure, the older two have difficulties – but they are healthy. I have an amazing husband who is always by my side, yes, he has Parkinson’s – but it’s NOT a death sentence. I have been sick a lot, sure, but I am finally losing weight and keeping it off! I am more active and can see the changes in me! I can knit – wow, that alone I a big deal for me! Just a few short months ago my hands hurt so much that I couldn’t!

I often wonder where Pam would be now had she lived. She would be 40 going on 41 in October. Would she have kids? Would she be around here? Considering I am still friends with the others from our group, I like to believe her and I would still be very close today if she had lived. I bet she would still be larger than life – gawd she was so full of life!

I miss you Pam. I think of you often. I think of your sister often and hope that she will have no more hardships, she has had enough. I miss your mom. I miss laughing with you and just talking. I still remember your voice, our last phone call.

I wish you could see us now – me, Gena, Rhonda – I like to think you do, and that you check in on us. Our ‘band’ was never the same without you.

ABBA – Chiquitita

Lust for Life

“Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” ― Thomas Hobbes

So much ENERGY in me today!

I heard this song on my radio this morning, and it has completely pumped me up. I feel so renewed these last few weeks.

About 4 weeks ago I started seeing a nutritionist/lifestyle coach. Clean eating – and binging on happy tunes. That’s all I’ve been doing…so far. In those 4 weeks I have lost almost 13 lbs and gained and enormous amount of energy! I am loving the food I am eating, and even my pain is reduced. Funny what eating unprocessed, sugar free food can do for a body…

The first week was a bit miserable – coming off a sugar addiction, coffee, and bad fats, plus a gastroenteritis bug thrown in for fun (good times, not). But since that all finished – my brain fog is less and less, my sleep improved – even my eyes look clearer to others! My skin tone is more even.

I knew all this was possible, but having someone guide you makes all the difference in the world.

I’m not going to fool myself – I know with my MS and depression/anxiety it will always be a battle for me; but I’m armed now and ready for combat.

Curiosity is what lead me to this wonderful person who is helping me. I constantly love to learn. For years that desire took a backburner while illness and responsibilities came to the forefront but man – oh man – am I ever ready to dive back in head first and with all the lust for life that I can manage!

I’ve finally learned to live in the now and it is amazing!

Iggy Pop – Lust for Life

Doctor Jones

“Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.” Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“The geologist takes up the history of the earth at the point where the archaeologist leaves it, and carries it further back into remote antiquity.” Bal Gangadhar Tilak, The Arctic Home in the Vedas

Two for one quote day!

In a countryside a long, long time ago, in a world not that far away, lived a young woman who loved ancient history and Indiana Jones.

harrison-ford-as-indiana-jones-in-raiders-of-the-lost-ark
Seriously – how can you NOT want to be an archaeologist!


Can you FEEL that!

My maiden name is Jones.

I have a degree in Archaeology (and my first degree is Anthropology/Classical Studies) – my classmates and friends used to call me Gwendiana Jones. I’m not joking.

giphy-facebook_s
What?!

I know, Indy, Crazy!

When I hear of new discovers, I still get a rush of excitement to find out more details.

Then cue life – right out of left field. A controlling fiancé turned husband, children, divorce, a new marriage, responsibilities – you know, life.

For several years I have been fighting a fog of depression, anxiety, stress, and illness.

harrison-ford-as-indiana-jones
Whip that shit!

I started a new program with a WONDERFUL nutritionist at Sculpt Fredericton named Allison Hill. She is da bomb!

In the last week I have already gained more energy and joy than I have in the past several YEARS! I have had happy moments, don’t get me wrong, but this time I actually FEEL it inside of me instead of a deep, dark hole.

What does that have to do with Archaeology? Nothing really – except for the joy and excitement. My life isn’t over, not by a long shot. I have always said that I still have time.

You never know – maybe one day, I’ll hear someone call me Doctor after all, while I am digging in a remote location looking for my next big find.

I know it’s not as it is portrayed in film and on TV – oh trust me I know (I loved creating a topographic map of a site I dug on, very cool). But all the things people think of as tedious in the career – I LOVE. I LOVE cataloguing and holding items. I LOVE taking my time, clearing off objects – it’s my Zen.

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Thanks for the inspiration, Indy.

No matter where the series goes, Harrison Ford will always be Indiana to me.

Aqua – Doctor Jones