Hooked on a Feeling

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

As I age, I learn. I’ve learned that even though people think I’m a people person, I’m really not. I’ve always been an introvert. There was a time, I was so introverted, I couldn’t even lift my eyes and say hello to people. I was terrified!

As I age, I have learned that not everyone will like me, no matter what I do. This is big! It used to give me panic attacks if I knew someone didn’t like me. I needed to understand why.

I’ve learned that music impacts me deeply. I can be happy and instantly become depressed if I listen to the wrong song. I can be low and brought up in mood just by listening to the right song. It’s not always the same music, so I don’t always know what will hit me (though there are some I know exactly what they will do to me).

I’ve learned that I can’t be everything to everyone. This was a hard one emotionally. I was once a very active person, in every sense of the word. I volunteered, I worked overtime, I had my kids in everything reasonable, I stayed up late, I did it all. I hit the wall hard and everything came down in a landslide. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness will do that (MS in my case, along with others). I haven’t volunteered in so long, I work my hours (gratefully), but no more. I wish I could do more with my kids. I’m in bed by 7:30 pm or I don’t function the next day at all. It’s been over a decade and that was on of the hardest things to realize.

You always hear the tune of ‘just follow your dreams and life will be great’. I offer up the alternative – do what makes you smile, but remember, you are human. Not everyone can climb Mount Everest. Not everyone can travel the world. Not everyone can reach the outer reaches of our oceans. Not everyone can board a ship to outer space. It’s OK if your life is what it is. I struggle with this one. A lot. I dreamed of being an archaeologist. I did two BAs to accomplish that end, but then I got married. He was not kind and my dreams were dashed on the rocks. I created new life (literally), and began seeing my life differently. I have children I love, I have a yard I love puttering in. My second husband is my best friend and if we were stuck in the house together, just us, I’d be content. It’s not the life I dreamed I’d have, but it’s the life that makes me smile.

Sometimes I hyper focus on my depression and anxiety; on what I lack instead of what I have. At 48, I’m working hard on focusing on what I do have, what makes me smile, what I care about. I colour my hair crazy colours as a mood booster. I stopped caring what people think of my hair and skin – heck, I’ve even gotten many tattoos (for me, that was huge!). Letting go of what others think of me has been one of the hardest things to let go of. Yes, I still have times when I go into a panic attack because I worry about how I’m perceived (I’ve often been misread in my life).

Right now, in this present moment, I’m content. Would like I my dreams to come true? Of course! We’ve all been hooked on those feelings; but I’ve learned to be ok with my life, with how I’ve lived it. That to me is the best feeling of all.

Blue Swede – Hooked on a Feeling

The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

Go on any social media site, any platform and you’ll see them. Shiny, happy people smiling it up for the cameras. The sun is always shining on them. Nothing seems to reach them. No darkness, no despair. Only the sun and rainbows of life.

No one is perfect. No one is always, consistently happy. Those who are, are the innocent or the blissfully unaware. Maybe they’re lying to themselves, maybe they live in a bubble of delusional bliss. I won’t pop them out of it. What I would give to have that bubble of bliss!

You’ll rarely see a photo of me online. My pets, my children, and maybe my husband, yes, but rarely me. I hate taking selfies (though I will under certain circumstances), I dislike being seen. I’m a dichotomy of public and private. This blog is public, my Tik Tok, Instagram, Twitter and the like are all public, but I fear being singled out and fear even more being told how ugly, fat, whatever insult. It’s a bizarre head space. I love to share, I hate to be in the spotlight. I love to get tattoos and colourful hair, but hate being in the centre of attention.

What does that say about me? I honestly don’t know. I don’t even really know who I am after 48 years on this planet.

I do know that the sun doesn’t shine on me. At least, it seldom does. How I would love to be blissfully unaware and float through life on the rays of the sun.

a-ha – The Sun Always Shines on T.V.

California Dreamin’

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”  John Lennon

Last week I lost my Evee girl. She was a rescued bearded dragon and had many health issues in the short time I had her. I adopted her June 2016. She went through a broken jaw that never quite healed all the way, an infection in said jaw, a surgery to remove said infection, shots of penicillin, and so many other things. She was a trooper and was so good when I was helping her. Then one day last week she refused to eat. She was gone by the next morning.

I decided then to renovate her enclosure with the idea in my mind that I would not get another beardie until said enclosure was completed and aired out. As of last night this is what it looks like –

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So much work to do…

Well, yesterday I went into my local Petsmart, where I frequently bought insects, to let the clerks know I lost my Evee. One in particular always asked me how she was doing. While there, I spied an adorable 6 to 8 week old baby beardie and…well….

Introducing Charlie Winchester Walker (yes, she is named after Felicia Day’s character and the Winchester Brothers from Supernatural – slight fan here).

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Sweet baby Charlie

Is she not the cutest?!

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JUST LOOK AT HER!!!

Needless to say, I have to get my ass in gear and get that enclosure done. I’m really looking forward to the summer so I can take my sweet Charlie out in the yard to play 🙂 Hence why I chose California Dreamin’ as today’s song – I’m dreaming of that warm sun and beautiful days.

The Mamas & The Papas – California Dreamin’

Shoop Shoop

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

It’s Monday sweet people, and it’s a beautiful day to be alive!

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Dance party!

Yes, I really am THAT chipper on a Monday morning. I’m allowed having one small coffee a day – that is a HUGE reason to celebrate!

I have to say, my husband is a huge part of why I feel this awesome. He supports my craziness, he helps me emotionally, and he is just plain there for me.

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Give me a hug!

My kids too – they are my world. I want to do so much for them and with them. This journey to health and happiness is so, so worth it!

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Being weird together as a family is the best thing ever!

My biggest thing is remembering to take time for me. It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to do because, as I’ve said, my kids are my life. I’m not a sit in the tub and read kind of lady.

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So not me…

I’m a gamer – my ‘me’ time is usually playing WoW or reading books. I love to go for walks and hope I can get back into that soon. Yoga could be me time too! Hmmm…

I often wonder how my husband puts up with me. Then he kisses me and I know…

Cher – The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss)

Baby It’s Cold Outside

“One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

OMG IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!!

*whew* I got that out of my system…LOL not.

I think having a toddler has revived my seasonal spirit. I remember when I was young; ok, not really that long ago; I was a holiday fanatic. Even when my teens were little, I could barely sleep Christmas Eve because I couldn’t wait to see the looks on their faces!

I went through a spell for a while where Christmas lost all magic. I still tried my best for my babies, but being a single working mom sapped me. I got really sick (yay MS…). My energy was non-existent, and I was financially terrified. How would I make things magic for them? How would I keep my house? How would I heat it?! How would I get us food!?

Every year without fail something amazing happened and we never went without. By whatever master stroke of luck or providence or what have you, my kids and I always managed to have just what we needed (yes, needed, not wanted) right when we needed it. One year we were blessed with support that I have tried to repay every year by sponsoring a family in need or donating.

This year, my eldest is 16 going on 17. My next child is 15. My baby is 2 soon to be 3 (in January). The elder two get completely into the season helping to make it magic for their younger brother and it pays off in spades. I love it.

We may not be rich. We may not be able to get everything they want, when they want. But we are rich in our lives for what we do have – we have each other, we have a home, we have magic in our lives whether we see it or not.

I wouldn’t change it for anything…ok, a bit extra money for bills would be nice (who am I kidding? Everyone could use extra!).

Time for some cocoa and Christmas magic.

Zoey Deschanel & Leon Redbone – Baby It’s Cold Outside (From the “Elf” soundtrack)