Changes

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometimes I look at my life, my world, and I wonder how in the ever loving fawk I ended up where I am.

I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts at times because of the stress that I am under.

I had an ache deep in my chest most of yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, dealing with school and mental health for one of my children. I felt defeated all day. My child has a huge heart. My child means the world to me (all my children do). My child has broken my heart more times than I care to recount and has challenges that may never be solved.

Any parent of a high needs child can tell you that, as caregivers, it is often a thankless, stressful position to be in. You KNOW that they love you and you love them unconditionally, but their needs take precedence over so much of your life that other areas falter and fail. Burn out is common, exhaustion, stress born illnesses are common as well.

Changes are need – it’s hard. Oh gawd, I know it is hard. You HAVE to take time for YOU. No matter how infinitesimal, no matter what it is – you need to take that time and embrace it. No more guilt. Guilt is often a frequent emotion for parents.

I began knitting (again) as a form of ‘me’ time. I may not always get out of the house, but I can sit, watch Doctor Who, and knit and I feel at peace. It is my meditation, my time. It’s not a huge change, but change doesn’t always have to be! Baby steps.

Working towards a healthier me is also a step I have taken – eating healthier, going to bed earlier, getting more exercise. What seemed impossible just a few short months ago is so, so possible now! I’ve started to (FINALLY!) lose weigh after years of struggling, though I’ve had health challenges lately, in general that is improving too!

Make sure you have a support team – even if that is a team of one! You NEED someone. You can’t be the rock your child needs if you are crumbling to dust…Even mountains need a foundation to build on. I’m so fortunate that I have an amazing family network and friend network. There is ALWAYS someone I can talk to.

Let it out. Holding in that pain and hurt from your day will only make you feel worse and takes a toll on your health. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I took the long way to learn it. I hold very little back anymore. It’s a change that I have learned with time.

Love yourself. This is one change that I am still struggling with. It is needed, and is probably one of the most difficult ones.

Let others help. Sometimes letting go is the most amazing thing you can do for your child. Allowing someone else to guide them is sometimes the most important thing that can happen. It sucks ass. As a parent, you want to be the ONE. That isn’t always possible.

I’m tired. I think that is all I have in me for today. If my advice helps even one parent of a special/high needs child than I am grateful and happy for it.

Peace all and remember to love yourself.

David Bowie – Changes

 

Darkness

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Mental illness is a funny thing. One minute you are on top of the world and the next – the world is on top of you.

I’ve not posted this week till now, I know. I’m exhausted, not getting sleep. I’ve a ton of work to do. But I’m also 99% sure I am very depressed. I don’t want to type, I don’t want to drive, I don’t want to game, I don’t want to read, I just want to sleep.

The negative thoughts have invaded and their beastly claws have dug in for the fight.

I had to pull off the road on my way home last night from work. I tried calling my husband. He was on his way to his work and didn’t get my call.

Sometimes, the negative outweighs all the shinnies. I feel useless, pathetic, fat, ugly. I feel like I’m only good as a milk source for my youngest, money for my two eldest, and not much of anything for my husband.

I’m not much of anything to anyone.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders, chest. It won’t slough off.

People who have never experienced this thinks you can just draw up some positive thinking and swipe it away…it’s NOT that easy and I am sick to death of people telling me it’s all in my head. Is my MS in my head? Are my allergies in my head? My asthma? No they aren’t, and all three are known to cause plenty of issues.

I’m not a fucking cheerleader. I am not going to be plucky and happy 24/7. I feel like the world is crumbling apart. Next week, I may be that fucking cheerleader again – smiling away, happy…

Why do I write this? Because someone out there may feel like me and it may help them to know they are NOT alone, that they are not the only one struggling.

It’s so lonely.

Type O Negative – Black No.1

A weighty issue

About a week ago we finally saw the end to a week long power outage. Seriously. We had a tropical storm come trundling through our area, everyone believed it would hit very south of us. It didn’t. Lots of bluster, lots of rain and no power. We left the day it hit to head to my in-laws for a few days (it was actually a planned trip, it wasn’t due to the weather). When we got to our intended destination (which was where the storm was supposed to hit), everything was clear and just a bit windy. Weather is so interesting.

By the time we got home we had lost everything in our fridge and freezer – by freezer, I mean the little one attached to the fridge, we don’t actually have a deep freeze (I know, we’re odd). It sucked, but was actually an opportunity to toss out all the crap we had, and start over with fresh, healthy options. Around this time a friend introduced me to Sparkpeople.

You see, I need to lose weight. I know, I know – a lot of people tell me that as long as I am healthy that weight shouldn’t be an issue. Well, it is for me and always has been. I’m 5’1″ and I won’t tell you my weight because I am thoroughly embarrassed about it. I’m under 200 lbs, so that’s something, right? My health is definitely affected. My joints ache, my back is in pain when I wake up in the morning and I KNOW it’s because my abdominal muscles are – well – non-existent at this point. About 10 years ago I had managed to lose 60 lbs. This time I’m hoping to lose about 70 lbs, if not a bit more. According to certain sites a healthy weight for a woman my size is between 97.9 and 132.3 lbs as per .

This undertaking is huge for me (no pun intended). This has been my week. Restocking for a healthier me and family, trying to eat right, feeling extreme guilt and disgust when I don’t eat something healthy, feeling tired, weighed down, and downright horrid for not losing a single goddamn pound. NOT ONE. I am a breastfeeding mom with 3 kids. I have walked a lot this week, I have watched my portions. Even ONE pound would have been nice.

So to this end, if you are on Sparkpeople – add me. GWENAJONES is my user name (all lower case). I could use all the help (and positive encouragement!) I can get!

Also – if you have thoughts on good exercises to do at home with children present (aka 6 month old baby), please share, I’d love to learn some!