I’m feeling all mooshy inside, boiling water sopped up into a bundle of wool – squishy, small, yet capable of being larger than life.
My insides have never been reflected on my outside, well, at least not that I know of. Sometimes I can sit there, forgetting the extra pounds that cushion my body. I forget the layers of age, hurt, weight.
It’s a striking thing to feel one way on the inside, then, when observed in a reflection, the awful truth comes from the shadows and you are not who you thought you were.
I left my inner sanctum, my home, decades ago. I realize that now. I’ve wallowed without thinking, I’ve dreamt without believing. I’ve hungered without sustenance in my soul. I’ve slept through a fog of time where memories have been lost, gone forever in a flood of complacency.
Tomorrow. It’s always tomorrow.
The last while though, I’ve slowly, ever so slowly, started to come home. My anxiety is high, has been for months. I thought it was the house we’ve been trying to sell. It isn’t. It’s me. Afraid to truly be, afraid of success, afraid of not-failing. How odd…why would one fear those things? With success, comes change. With change, so much more.
Today, we’re having a viewing at the house. I no longer call it our house. It isn’t. It’s in the state of limbo that I have been. Not really belonging, but not quite ‘other’. Soon, I hope, we will both be home. The house home to ‘other’. Myself, home.
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee
The last while I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. Physically, my head literally feels like it’s full of pressure – and I usually end up exhausted and with a migraine. Mentally, the anxiety attacks seem to be happening more.
I need to give myself a chance to breath.
My home life is stressful and I’ve been fighting for help. We’re finally getting it. I can breath a little.
My work life is stressful only in so far that I have not been functional enough in my opinion. I need to do more – my head is numb and full of pressure. I have a hard time thinking, concentrating, dealing with my task that are normally so simple to me.
My beautiful cat, Spice, somehow got out of our house on Monday – she’s so skittish and scared that no one can get near her and she will not enter the live trap we borrowed. My heart is breaking. She’s such a sweet tortie girl.
We’re trying to renovate our house and we are going on a whirlwind trip soon. Money money money – must be funny, in a rich person’s world…right? (thanks for that ear worm ABBA, I love it).
My expectations of self are higher than my physical reality. I need to remember that if I am not in health, I cannot care for my children. If I am not focused on being healthy, I will not be there for my children in the future.
So much pressure in my head and chest. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a month…I have to work. I am the sole breadwinner for my family right now. No rest for the wicked (with MS), right?
“Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It’s accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics.” ― Stephen King
This made me laugh. If you knew my three children (yes even the baby) you would understand why.
My older two both have ADHD (yes, I know, many think it’s over-diagnosed, but it’s also hereditary and runs in my family and the birth family of my older son).
My daughter (15) was recently diagnosed – she had always showed signs, but did decently well until she entered high school. She struggled; it was painful to watch. I finally decided to have her assessed and no one was surprised by the result of ADHD; but we were surprised by the results of dyslexia, dysgraphia (writing), dyscalculia (math) and OCD and anxiety tendencies. She wanted to try the medication. It worked wonders for her even in her last week of school. She is now looking forward to next year. I’m so proud of her.
My older son (13) was diagnosed with ADHD, Tourette’s, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, and an attachment disorder when he was 6 and in the midst of his second year of kindergarten. In hindsight, I would have kept him home that first year. He became my baby boy when he was 14 months old, having been neglected and abused as a baby. His birth family is related to my ex husband (daughter’s father), so if you notice that some of their issues are similar – there is a genetic reason. By blood, my older two would be considered first cousins once removed. I won’t go into great detail who the birth family is, we’ll leave it at that.
My son did amazingly on medication. He regularly sees a speech therapist every month who helps him with speech and behavior issues he has had. He has had a huge struggle through the years, and an amazing group of teachers and literacy leads who have helped him succeed. He just completed grade 7 with an award for best all around achievement out of ALL the grade 7’s in the school! I couldn’t be prouder to see how his academic accommodations and his hard work have paid off. He makes TOP grades and his behavior went from being very physical to STOPPING a fight and telling and adult what happened (can you tell I’m super proud? Rightly so, he has made leaps in this). In a nutshell, he still struggles, but medication and behavior help has made him succeed.
My youngest son (now 17 months!) is walking…and by walking, I mean wants to climb stairs (constantly – he LOVES stairs), climb furniture, get into every imaginable crevice and nook (LOL). He is beginning to speak, sometimes it’s freaky how clear his words are (remember he’s only 17 months old…it’s seriously freaky, even the sitter said so). He has a mind of his own and is NOT afraid to tell you off in his way – he may be tiny (weighing only a bit over 17 lbs!) BUT he is MIGHTY. We’ve stressed and worried over him (chronic ear infections and lack of weight gain), but he is turning out to be a strong, happy (and I stress happy) boy who fills ALL of us with love. He is finally beginning to eat more and finally gaining weight (YAY! let’s face it though, genetically speaking, he’s going to be tiny). I can’t wait to see how he grows!
Why have I gone and described my children’s issues and joys? Because I love them, and I want to share. Because I think it’s important that even if something is considered ‘over-diagnosed’ that sometimes that diagnosis IS REAL. Because my kids are my world, and many times they take over my world.
Mostly, though, it’s because my older two have been at their dad’s for a long visit and I am picking them up this evening and I can’t FREAKING WAIT! I want to go NOW! I love my kids. I know baby boy will be SOOOOO excited to see them. I know the older two will be so excited to see him too.
We’re all a little insane, but that’s ok, too.
They are coming home.
I can’t wait to get them home.
Ozzy is one of my favourite artist and this song is highly ranked in my list of favourite songs (well, if I had a list).