Tag: hope

The Gambler

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done”
– Songwritter  Don Schlitz

I’ve loved this song since – well – probably since it was released in 1978 (I was 4, my dad LOVED, and still loves, country music). I’m not a big country fan; more often than not it grates on my nerves so much that I want to punch something, but I digress…

There’s so much truth in this song.

“Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die
in your sleep.”

I see this as a metaphor for how you react to life’s bumps and bruises, joys and hopes. You can sit down with what you’ve been dealt and cry your eyes out, or you can sit with it and think of how fortunate you are. Life can be shit. I know life can be shit. Hard to see the good when it feels as though you’re being engulfed in a flood of depression, self-loathing, tragedy, and loss.

My depression has been engulfing me. I was going to say lately, but let’s be real – it’s been way longer than just lately. I’ve put weight back on, I’ve had so much stress that my skin itches, I’ve migraines almost on the daily, and I can barely sleep. But you know what – I STILL have hope. I still have the light in my sights so that I can have that winner hand.

I’ll not let the hands I’m given weigh me down. Sometimes they do, not going to lie. Getting back up, walking with my head held high, I’m climbing up that mountain – weight on my back, and I’m going to reach that top and over to greener pastures.

I do a lot of soul searching. I have a lot of self-doubt. In the end, I know that I am the one responsible for my internal peace and happiness. I can’t change the shit that goes on around me. I can’t stop asshole teenagers from beating up my son (yes, happened last week), I can’t stop my children growing. I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t wave a wand and my anxiety leave me forever or my depression for that matter. I CAN work my ass off to make life the best I can.

I want to THRIVE not just survive. I plan on making sure my hand’s a good one, and I’ll lay all bets that I’m going to thrive.

Kenny Rogers – The Gambler

Gods of War

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“There’s never been a true war that wasn’t fought between two sets of people who were certain they were in the right. The really dangerous people believe they are doing whatever they are doing solely and only because it is without question the right thing to do. And that is what makes them dangerous.” ― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Ours was a generation grown up to find all gods dead, all wars fought, all faiths in man shaken” –” ― F.Scott Fitzgerald

I would like to believe that someday, some time in the future, peace is possible. I like to believe it, no matter impossible it seems.

We are a strange creature – humans, that is. We are willing to kill and be killed all in the name of a god that many seen to worship, just in different fashions. We are willing to annihilate the planet we live on all in the name of Greed, Lust, Desire. Some of us are willing to die for our Love, our Hope, hearts entwined.

What strange creature are we, humans, that relish in the aftermath of slaughter of innocence, yet wail when the slaughtered are our own.

Once upon a time, wars were fought face to face, person to person. Arms to arms. Once upon a time. Poppies bloomed in fields of blood, men kept marching on.

“Never again.” Words heard over and over. Unheeded, unheard. Never again.

The Gods of War drum out their commands, whispers in the ears of the powerful, and grown into a crescendo of us versus them.

Battle on, humans, battle on. The pawns must obey the players, the players must obey their Gods.

Def Leppard – Gods of War

Home Sweet Home

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“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ― Rumi, Words of Paradise: Selected Poems of Rumi

I’m feeling all mooshy inside, boiling water sopped up into a bundle of wool – squishy, small, yet capable of being larger than life.

My insides have never been reflected on my outside, well, at least not that I know of. Sometimes I can sit there, forgetting the extra pounds that cushion my body. I forget the layers of age, hurt, weight.

It’s a striking thing to feel one way on the inside, then, when observed in a reflection, the awful truth comes from the shadows and you are not who you thought you were.

I left my inner sanctum, my home, decades ago. I realize that now. I’ve wallowed without thinking, I’ve dreamt without believing. I’ve hungered without sustenance in my soul. I’ve slept through a fog of time where memories have been lost, gone forever in a flood of complacency.

Tomorrow. It’s always tomorrow.

The last while though, I’ve slowly, ever so slowly, started to come home. My anxiety is high, has been for months. I thought it was the house we’ve been trying to sell. It isn’t. It’s me. Afraid to truly be, afraid of success, afraid of not-failing. How odd…why would one fear those things? With success, comes change. With change, so much more.

Today, we’re having a viewing at the house. I no longer call it our house. It isn’t. It’s in the state of limbo that I have been. Not really belonging, but not quite ‘other’. Soon, I hope, we will both be home. The house home to ‘other’. Myself, home.

Mötley Crüe – Home Sweet Home

Baby Got Back

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“Pasta doesn’t make you fat. How much pasta you eat makes you fat.” – Giada De Laurentiis

I’ve got back…LOTS and lots of back. Too much really. I won’t give my measurements, but my BMI is 41.3. Yes, that is morbidly obese.

I’ve also got hope. LOTS and lots of hope.

Yes, I have tried pretty damn near every diet, plan, scam, etc out there. I’ve tried Slim Fast, I’ve tried It Works! (it doesn’t). I’ve tried being vegan, I’ve tried cutting back, keto, Atkins, exercise plans…oh my, I could go on and on. I won’t.

What I haven’t tried – surgery. I met the bariatric team on Friday and I have so much hope. I hope I qualify, I hope I can do this! No, I KNOW I can do this. I can learn to love loose skin, what I can’t learn to do is feel aches and pains and heavy breathing from activities others take for granted. Feeling weak and breathless after going up a flight of stairs to another floor is NOT ok. Even with MS, it isn’t. Painful knees and hips when walking is NOT ok. A back that tightens up from simple walking.

Struggling with self-image and being unable to keep up with my children is not ok. I want to swim with them, run with them, play with them. I want to hike with them. I want to garden and enjoy it as much physically as I do mentally.

I have hope. My backside will probably always be big, but it doesn’t need to be morbidly so. I’ll always have certain aches and pains from MS, but it doesn’t need to be from being fat.

Sir Mix A Lot – Baby Got Back

Carry On…

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.” ― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

I have an infection. A bad one. My pelvic lymph nodes are infected and the infection has spread. Needless to say I feel horrible…but I am NOT defeated.

I am so grateful for my changed eating habits. I think they are the only things keeping me going health wise right now. I eat a lot of fiber, drink a lot of water, eat a lot of vegetables, moderate portions, etc. If I was eating the way I was a few months ago I have no doubt I would be far worse off than I am right now.

There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.

There is always a smile to wash away the stain the darkness.

There is always a shoulder to lean against when life’s burdens become too much.

I am grateful for my children, even when they drive me up the wall (I’m looking at you 17 year old child of mine who spams me on my phone).

I am so incredibly grateful for my youngest’s smile – he brightens up my mood in ways I can’t describe.

I am so grateful to my health providers, my nutritionist, my husband – they are the shoulder I lean on and I know I have been leaning a lot lately.

I am grateful I have some answers now as to why I have been feeling so run down. A light has finally appeared.

Kansas – Carry on my Wayward Son