“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.

When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.

As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.

That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.

Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.

Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.

I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.

I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.

The only problem is – I’m not a good me.

Katy Perry – Roar

I Roar

“Did you think the lion was sleeping because he didn’t roar?” Friedrich Schiller, Die Verschwörung des Fiesco zu Genua

“My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery – always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What’s this passion for?” ― Virginia Woolf

I have always been the quiet mouse.

Never one to rock the boat.

Never tip the scales.

Never speak out of turn.

Never argue.

Never dissent.

I’m done.

The events of the last few years have stiffened my spine and I will no longer be quiet.

My roar may be not be obvious or loud, but it is there.

I roar for the refugees being outcast and used as scapegoats by those in power.

I roar for the women who are derided, shamed, and mistreated.

I roar for the children without enough to eat and with no support.

I roar for the people who have no healthcare and cannot afford it.

I roar for the minorities for the mistreatment they suffer.

I roar for the Natives who have suffered so much from decades, nay, centuries of mistreatment.

I roar for the men who feel they have no voice.

I roar for our Earth that is constantly being desecrated by those in power and by the ignorant.

I roar for all the humans beings on this 3rd rock from the sun – we are one, we bleed the same, we cry the same, we feel the same.

I roar for the all.

I roar.

Perhaps, one day, no one will need to roar to be heard, instead a peaceful dialect will be possible. Perhaps, one day, we will finally all be equal – one people under one sun. Until that time – I will roar.

Katy Perry – Roar