“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”  Albert Camus


Even the word has a certain expression of its own meaning.

Happiness. What joy is derived in the every day that makes happiness? We must choose to be happy, to be joyful, to be grateful.

Anger and hate are soul consuming destructive forces which many confuse for constructive reasoning.

When we are happy, when we let go of that negativity – we are truly free and alive. When we let go, we truly live.

I find as I age that I need to find happiness. The more I let go of the past and the derision of the present, the more happiness I am able to find. I do not turn a blind eye to the world around me. As I said earlier, I am roaring inside. But I am becoming more at peace with myself. I am finding ‘me’ and by extension I am finding happiness.

Sagan – Happiness

Letting go

“When you let go, you are truly free.” – Unknown

Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream about a poisonous person who was once in my life. I won’t go into great detail other than the person at the end was shown for who they were and I stood strong and proud and told them to get the fuck out of our lives.

You won’t see me swear often. That is quite literally what I told the person.

I honestly believe that the dream was my subconscious finally letting go of that person. The person has had a death grip on me. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt – all those types of emotions grew and nested within me while that person was a part of my life.

I can’t really explain it, but I feel better today. I feel as though I have had some kind of release. It’s wonderful. The downside of such vivid dreams is the after effects – I am exhausted. I have a feeling that today will be a long day due to this.

It’s ok. I can deal.

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts (Favourite line, “You’re going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.”)

Be Yourself

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde (Source: Goodreads).

So true, Oscar Wilde, so true. Problem is, many people (myself included) feel the need to reflect those around them in order to fit in. I fail at it miserably, and that’s a good thing. I’ve tried over the years to fit in, be one of the crowd, but I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

It used to bother me a lot. Maybe it was because I was bullied so much when I was younger that in my youth I was desperate to not stand out. Maybe. I was painfully shy for a long time, still introverted but now I talk too much to make up for it.

Now, I’m embrace my differentness. I hold it up like a shield to protect myself, and yet…I still wear a mask of sameness around those who don’t really know me. Why? Why do I feel a need to maintain that status quo and not just exude the life force within me?

I need to let go. I need to just let it all go and be who I truly am. I’ve got my hair back to it’s natural colour, but I think that is a statement of my neutrality on my own being. I love seeing the vivid colours people use now. I want to do that. Am I too old? Is it childish? I’m 41, I’ve wanted to do wild colours with my hair since I was a teen. It’s a desire that has never faded. But I work at a government office. I think walking in with baby blue hair with dark purple streaks may be frowned upon.

…some day…

Ellie Goulding – Dead in the Water