Tag: life

Hooked on a Feeling

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

As I age, I learn. I’ve learned that even though people think I’m a people person, I’m really not. I’ve always been an introvert. There was a time, I was so introverted, I couldn’t even lift my eyes and say hello to people. I was terrified!

As I age, I have learned that not everyone will like me, no matter what I do. This is big! It used to give me panic attacks if I knew someone didn’t like me. I needed to understand why.

I’ve learned that music impacts me deeply. I can be happy and instantly become depressed if I listen to the wrong song. I can be low and brought up in mood just by listening to the right song. It’s not always the same music, so I don’t always know what will hit me (though there are some I know exactly what they will do to me).

I’ve learned that I can’t be everything to everyone. This was a hard one emotionally. I was once a very active person, in every sense of the word. I volunteered, I worked overtime, I had my kids in everything reasonable, I stayed up late, I did it all. I hit the wall hard and everything came down in a landslide. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness will do that (MS in my case, along with others). I haven’t volunteered in so long, I work my hours (gratefully), but no more. I wish I could do more with my kids. I’m in bed by 7:30 pm or I don’t function the next day at all. It’s been over a decade and that was on of the hardest things to realize.

You always hear the tune of ‘just follow your dreams and life will be great’. I offer up the alternative – do what makes you smile, but remember, you are human. Not everyone can climb Mount Everest. Not everyone can travel the world. Not everyone can reach the outer reaches of our oceans. Not everyone can board a ship to outer space. It’s OK if your life is what it is. I struggle with this one. A lot. I dreamed of being an archaeologist. I did two BAs to accomplish that end, but then I got married. He was not kind and my dreams were dashed on the rocks. I created new life (literally), and began seeing my life differently. I have children I love, I have a yard I love puttering in. My second husband is my best friend and if we were stuck in the house together, just us, I’d be content. It’s not the life I dreamed I’d have, but it’s the life that makes me smile.

Sometimes I hyper focus on my depression and anxiety; on what I lack instead of what I have. At 48, I’m working hard on focusing on what I do have, what makes me smile, what I care about. I colour my hair crazy colours as a mood booster. I stopped caring what people think of my hair and skin – heck, I’ve even gotten many tattoos (for me, that was huge!). Letting go of what others think of me has been one of the hardest things to let go of. Yes, I still have times when I go into a panic attack because I worry about how I’m perceived (I’ve often been misread in my life).

Right now, in this present moment, I’m content. Would like I my dreams to come true? Of course! We’ve all been hooked on those feelings; but I’ve learned to be ok with my life, with how I’ve lived it. That to me is the best feeling of all.

Blue Swede – Hooked on a Feeling

That Don’t Impress Me Much

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“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.” ― Leo Tolstoy, The Kreutzer Sonata

I have never felt beautiful.

Even as a little girl, I remember standing in front of a mirror, in a bathing suit (I might have been 6 or 7), I thought I was fat and ugly. Yes, that young. Guess what? I wasn’t. I was told as an adult that I was a beautiful little girl. I never felt it.

As a teen, I would wear clothes that were too big. I was 5’1″ and all of 105 – 110 lbs. I was not a big teen. I thought I looked massive. I wasn’t impressive. I’d spent most of my young life being bullied, maybe that was part of it. Teen life involved me drinking, smoking, and finding a group of friends who loved me (and still do!!!). But I was shy, and overwhelmed in groups. My marks were average, I was always told I could do better.

Enter adulthood, I worked jobs I loved. I worked at a small country store with a lunch counter, I worked at a club (bar). I went to university. I adulted, as they say now. But I was also drunk – a lot (never at work or school). I’m pretty sure I was what is termed a functional alcoholic. When I drank, I drank hard. I can no longer drink more than one or two drinks as I get panic attacks.

Everything in that time would impress me. Cars, guys, smart people, everything. I even finished my degree, then got a second one! Then I got married.

I won’t go into my first marriage. A year after we split, I developed MS that was believed to be stress induced (he was not a good person).

I was on my own with two young kids for a while, then I met my current husband. What impressed me about him? He became my friend first. His family all loved him genuinely. He loved (loves) my kids.

I’m so much older now. My second husband and I had a child together, bringing our family fully together. I should be completely happy.

Depression, anxiety, my weight, and so much more has made me numb. I’m having a hard time keeping contact with friends. I’m a hermit. Covid didn’t help, I’m more reclusive than ever. Nothing really impresses me anymore. I put on a smile and act impressed, but everything is just meh.

My joy is in my garden. Snuggling my kids. Spending time with my husband. being close to my pets.

What does impress me? When I see people who genuinely want to help others with no strings. Rescuers who do it over and over again, in spite of the hurt and pain it can bring because the joy is so worth it. Those who put others first because they love how it feels, not what it can bring them. I could go on.

I’m tired. I’m sure this is coming through. I’m drained mentally and physically. I want to be impressed. I want life back.

Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much

No Rain

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It’s Friday, the sun is rising earlier each day, the snow is melting, and for the first time in MONTHS I feel fucking good mentally.

I’m legitimately having a good mental health day. Why? No fucking clue! Russia invaded Ukraine (fuck you Putin), the world feels like it’s on fire, and somehow this North American (Canadian) chick is in a good place.

I’m exhausted, my lungs are not great, but my mind is happy. This is huge for me. I can’t even really explain it. Good days are rare, days where I want to smile and no have to force it. I’m considering asking my psychiatrist about going off my medications and do a reset of sorts. That thought scares me as I know how horrible my anxiety and depression can get. The hyper fixation on negative things, the self-harm thoughts, the paranoia. It’s horrible.

I’m pretty sure my depression started as situational. But then I was hammered with stress after stress until my body said enough. It triggered my MS, and I’ve had a doctor wonder if the lesions from my MS are on the areas that control anxiety and depression. This would make sense as it ramped up a lot after MS. Mind you, depression is a co-morbidity to any chronic illness. I also have ADHD, body dysmorphia and a few other fun things (pretty sure I’ve mentioned them all before, but I’m tired and can’t remember! hahaha oh my).

I cannot wait to get my hands dirty in my gardens (not an euphemism!), feel the soil, plant seeds, trim and water, care for all that grows. I even have milkweed to plant this year!

I can’t wait for the scent of petrichor on a morning breeze. Sunlight dappling through leaves. Gentle trickles of water. The song of birds all around.

My yard has become my oasis in the storm of life. I can’t wait to embrace it again.

Blind Melon – No Rain

The Best Of You

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“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.” ― Rita Mae Brown

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day #BellLetsTalk. I’m normally pretty open about my mental health with family and friends. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned it here more than a few times.

I’ve had trauma, but so have others. That doesn’t diminish my experiences or anyone else’s.

I’ve had struggles, but so have others. That doesn’t diminish my battles or anyone else’s.

I have health conditions, but so do others. That doesn’t diminish how it impacts me or how others deal with their own.

I have struggled mentally from all of it, others do as well, some don’t. That’s ok. Everyone copes with things in different ways. Some chose to push it aside and trudge on. Some wallow in it, bathing in the anguish and despair. Some face it head on, the train wreck entering the station and continuing on. I could go on.

Since today is a day to talk mental health, I’ll share mine. Since I was young, I’ve always struggled with anxiety and self-perception. I worried constantly about what others thought of me, I was bullied which made it worse. I do have generalized anxiety disorder. My old family doctor thought my MS impacted it and made it worse.

I remember little me, about six years old, looking in a mirror. I was wearing a one piece bathing suit. I thought I was fat. SIX YEARS OLD I thought I was fat. I wasn’t. I was actually quite tiny when I was young. So, in case you haven’t guessed – yes, I have body dismorphia.

When you are in chronic pain, or have a chronic health condition, and trauma, depression is usually what comes along. Yes, I have clinical depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder (basically, I’m more depressed in the winter months). I lot of people think of depression as being stuck in a bed and not going anywhere. That’s not always how it looks though. I’m functional. I work a full-time job. I have children, I have pets. Some think I have too many pets, my psychiatrist says otherwise. They get me moving, they depend on me. They don’t judge me.

The older I have gotten, the less I like going to stores. I do have a bit of agoraphobia. I hate crowds, I’m noise sensitive, I get irritated very fast. Due to my MS, I get overheated really fast which then triggers my anxiety. Oh, there’s ADHD in there too.

With all of that, I’m still here. I’m still fighting, I struggle to make sure my family gets the best of me. I struggle with my personal identity, what I love doing, what am I passionate about (seriously, what am I passionate about?). I used to have a plan. Doesn’t everyone start with a plan? Life had other ideas, other paths and I’ve been a traveler wandering where ever it takes me.

So today, and everyday, be open with who you are. Be honest about your struggles and successes. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it. If someone tells you they think you are struggling, maybe take that seriously and see if you are.

Whatever you do, always make sure you are giving yourself the best of what you can.

Foo Fighters – The Best of You

Here Comes The Sun

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“May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

Summer has hit the ground running, and so have I. I’ve been keeping a secret – I’ve finally managed to start losing weight (in a healthy way) AND have energy! Yes, I still have MS fatigue, but I am motivated. I want to move constantly, even when in pain.

My yard is not large, but I love it. I have worked on the gardens there, worked on the plants, cleaning up old growth, overgrown vine, pear trees that were left to run with no one to tend them. A beautiful rose bush left to be scraggly and gnarled were cut back last year and are growing in a lush, full green. I can’t wait to see them bloom. There was a lilac bush left to grow into a gnarled, ragged tree. I trimmed it far back as well; the new green is full and gorgeous.

There was a raised garden bed left to overgrow, the only decent remnants were chives and mint left wild and full. Those beds have been tilled under, the chives moved (though ants remain in them, so they await replanting). A new, smaller, garden was tilled (all work by me) with new plants to start.

The new garden bed.
Old bed tilled under

I’ll need to take more photos of the front and full back. The branches you see around the perimeter where the trimings from the overgrown trees that I turned into a fence like structure. I absolutely love the feel of it all. My only complaint – ANTS! There are ants everywhere.

The sun has brought light back into my life – literally and figuratively. I want to be outside. I want to dig my toes into the ground and squish the soil. I want my hands to be soiled from the work I’ve down. I want the rabbits to come play, and the birds to come feed.

Here comes the sun, and I’m going to worship it every day that I can.

The Beetles – Here Comes The Sun