Tag: Loss

30 Years

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

30 years ago today, my best friend would answer my call and excitedly tell me about her new stockings her mom found to match her dress. She was prepared for junior prom, the dance at the end of 9th grade at that time. She told me how they were a perfect match for her black and purple dress.

Then, she told me she had to go. She was going to hang out with a different group that night but would call me when she got back for curfew.

She never called.

Six days later, they would find the body of Pamela ‘Pam Pam’ Gail Bischoff in the river.

We knew she wasn’t a runaway, even though they tried to tell us she was.

We knew she would never leave without telling us.

We knew it was going to be bad.

Pam would have loved Pink, or at least I would like to think so. I know the song below seems a strange one to pick for a memorial post, but trust me – Pam would have loved this song. She had the attitude, she had the spunk.

30 years later, I still remember the sound of her voice and her laugh, even when other memories have faded.

Her signature on my old jean jacket

30 years later, I still wonder if she would have been auntie Pam to her friends’ kids, have kids of her own. She would be so proud of her sister and nieces.

30 years later, I still wonder why.

30 years later, it still feels like yesterday.

Yesterday, she talked me into hitchhiking (omg Pam lol).

Yesterday, she and I rolled old tobacco into a somewhat smokeable cigarette (I quit a long time ago now, Pam).

Yesterday, we drank a magnum of Hermits – never to do that again (I don’t even drink anymore, Pam)

Yesterday, we were staring up at your Poison poster over your bed, talking about which of the band was hottest (I still listen to them now and then, but not often as I think of you each time, Pam).

Yesterday, you were telling me about that guy who was so hot (I’ve been married twice now, Pam, number 2 is amazing).

Yesterday, I was able to hug you.

30 years feels like yesterday. You would have loved this song, Pam. You had that attitude and it made you larger than life.

Pink – U + Ur Hand

The Gambler

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done”
– Songwritter  Don Schlitz

I’ve loved this song since – well – probably since it was released in 1978 (I was 4, my dad LOVED, and still loves, country music). I’m not a big country fan; more often than not it grates on my nerves so much that I want to punch something, but I digress…

There’s so much truth in this song.

“Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die
in your sleep.”

I see this as a metaphor for how you react to life’s bumps and bruises, joys and hopes. You can sit down with what you’ve been dealt and cry your eyes out, or you can sit with it and think of how fortunate you are. Life can be shit. I know life can be shit. Hard to see the good when it feels as though you’re being engulfed in a flood of depression, self-loathing, tragedy, and loss.

My depression has been engulfing me. I was going to say lately, but let’s be real – it’s been way longer than just lately. I’ve put weight back on, I’ve had so much stress that my skin itches, I’ve migraines almost on the daily, and I can barely sleep. But you know what – I STILL have hope. I still have the light in my sights so that I can have that winner hand.

I’ll not let the hands I’m given weigh me down. Sometimes they do, not going to lie. Getting back up, walking with my head held high, I’m climbing up that mountain – weight on my back, and I’m going to reach that top and over to greener pastures.

I do a lot of soul searching. I have a lot of self-doubt. In the end, I know that I am the one responsible for my internal peace and happiness. I can’t change the shit that goes on around me. I can’t stop asshole teenagers from beating up my son (yes, happened last week), I can’t stop my children growing. I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t wave a wand and my anxiety leave me forever or my depression for that matter. I CAN work my ass off to make life the best I can.

I want to THRIVE not just survive. I plan on making sure my hand’s a good one, and I’ll lay all bets that I’m going to thrive.

Kenny Rogers – The Gambler

Edie

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“i have laughed
more than daffodils
and cried more than June.”
― Sanober Khan

Sometimes it only takes one word for a bittersweet rush of memories to flood in.

I’ve been listening to Edie (Ciao Baby) on repeat all morning. I get obsessed with a song from time to time. A friend has a cat named Edie. I hear her name and instantly this song comes to mind.

Along with the song comes a flood of memories…teen to young adult memories. Driving in the summer with friends to the beach. The sun glittering off the water blinding me. The smell of the woodlands. The evanescent sense of embracing a love.

Memories of concerts loud, booming, throbbing with bodies moving in time. Closeness as that first kiss is on the verge of becoming true.

Memories of driving too fast. The rush of adrenaline from tipping it a little too far. The carefree roaming through a fairground, friends surrounding me.

Memories of lost ones, their voices still an echo in my mind. The feeling of the wind rushing past my waist-length hair out a car window. The spinning of the world, watching the stars in a swirl of light and bliss (usually alcohol driven at the time).

Memories of laughter, pleasure, naivety, innocence, pure unadulterated joy. The awfulness of hurt washed away in a flood of being.

Memories of times so wistful they have a dream-like iridescence about them.

Where has that young woman gone? Quiet rebellion, dancing with every song, moving amongst the throng of bodies; the music so loud our ears would ring and we did not care. We hugged, we laughed, we danced, we drank too much, we were.

Where has that sense of endless being gone? The tears fall freely, the sense of longing and loss are bitter pills to swallow. I’ve dreamt of recapturing that essence, but how?

“The dogs lay at your feet, Edie
Oh, we caressed your cheek
Oh, stars wrapped in your hair
Oh, life without a care
Ciao baby”

The Cult – Edie (Ciao Baby)

Roar

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.

When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.

As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.

That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.

Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.

Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.

I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.

I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.

The only problem is – I’m not a good me.

Katy Perry – Roar

California Dreamin’

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”  ― John Lennon

Last week I lost my Evee girl. She was a rescued bearded dragon and had many health issues in the short time I had her. I adopted her June 2016. She went through a broken jaw that never quite healed all the way, an infection in said jaw, a surgery to remove said infection, shots of penicillin, and so many other things. She was a trooper and was so good when I was helping her. Then one day last week she refused to eat. She was gone by the next morning.

I decided then to renovate her enclosure with the idea in my mind that I would not get another beardie until said enclosure was completed and aired out. As of last night this is what it looks like –

enclosure
So much work to do…

Well, yesterday I went into my local Petsmart, where I frequently bought insects, to let the clerks know I lost my Evee. One in particular always asked me how she was doing. While there, I spied an adorable 6 to 8 week old baby beardie and…well….

Introducing Charlie Winchester Walker (yes, she is named after Felicia Day’s character and the Winchester Brothers from Supernatural – slight fan here).

charlie-tub
Sweet baby Charlie

Is she not the cutest?!

charlie-baby
JUST LOOK AT HER!!!

Needless to say, I have to get my ass in gear and get that enclosure done. I’m really looking forward to the summer so I can take my sweet Charlie out in the yard to play 🙂 Hence why I chose California Dreamin’ as today’s song – I’m dreaming of that warm sun and beautiful days.

The Mamas & The Papas – California Dreamin’