Demons

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” ― Voltaire

Before I moved into our new home, I have a beautiful Indian Ringneck parrot. She, however, had been aggressive towards my little birds (that I had before her), and I thought my best option was to rehome her.

Guilt is a large emotion. I feel it often. Rehoming her was the worse guilt I have had in a long time.

Fast forward a year and a half (about) later…the woman I rehomed her to could no longer care for her. I took her back instantly.

Welcome home, Kyra. I’m so sorry I let you down and didn’t push myself more for a better solution. Between Charman (the cat) trying to nab you, the littles getting hurt, and you being relegated to a cage because we were selling our house, I thought it was in your best interest. I see now just how wrong I was. I have missed you so much and I will carry that guilt with me always.

Guilt is one of my many demons. I have guilt for not being enough for everyone – human, animal, bird, everyone. Guilt for not calling my friends, guilt for not sending that email, guilt for not making it to that late show. I have guilt for not eating right in the past, guilt for not being enough for my husband, guilt for spending any money, guilt for not spending, guilt for not being able to get everything my kids could dream of.

Anxiety and guilt are best friends in my life.

I’m working on that. I’m working on letting go of the past. I’m working on ME.

Don’t let the demons swallow you up.

Imagine Dragons – Demons

Punch in the gut

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.” Richard Carlson

I took my 10 year old Husky/Shepherd mix, Bronco, to the vet last Thursday for a dental cleaning/surgery. He did great. His nickname is the grumpy old man because he would have to go out back and be muzzled whenever I would take him to the vet…such a goof. He is always sweet and loving at home. He had two badly infected back molars and a third had a huge cavity.

I picked him up around 4:30 Thursday. The techs said he was sweet and didn’t even need to be muzzled or anything! He was wonderful and sweet! They got to see OUR Bronco. He was happy and alert as I drove home, albeit in a bit of pain.

That night, he seemed ‘off’. I had to force his meds down (antibiotics and pain killer). He wouldn’t take a treat – but hey, he did JUST have three big teeth out.

By 3 am I was calling the emergency line and my vets cell phone. No one answered. I left 4 messages – two on each phone. Bronco’s belly was rock hard and huge, he vomited fluid and white foam.

By 5:45 the vet called – upset that she had missed my call, we rushed Bronco in. He couldn’t walk by this time. We got him up on the x-ray table, the vet snapped two x-rays. His heart looked amazing, his belly…

By 6:30 by big baby boy was dead. It was too late. The vet didn’t even have time to give him anything. He died right on the x-ray table.

My vet is wonderful. She’s doing a post-mortem to find out what happened and hopefully prevent someone else from losing their pet.

We drove over 9 hours up north and back home later that day to see my 98 year old grandmother (mémère). She looks amazing. But she is 98. Her hearing is going, her eyes too. She now needs a cane to walk.

My bearded dragon Evee is still struggling with her jaw issues.

My husband has been diagnosed Parkinson’s (he’s 45).

I had to put down my 10 year old Pompoo little baby first week of June due to his health and increased aggression.

I lost my 18 year old cat just a few months before.

My MS symptoms have been flaring off and on.

I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

I wake up in the morning – breathless. It’s as though someone has been punching me in the stomach, I can’t breath.

I try to practice my breathing techniques and gratitude. We were able to afford a new van when ours broke a few weeks ago (well, sort of). I have three amazing, healthy, beautiful children. We have a home. I can pay our bills.

I’m so broken.

21 Pilots – Stressed Out

Anxiety strikes again…

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie ten Boom

I wish I could flick a switch and turn off my anxiety. Life would be so much simpler if I could. I wish I could shut out the voices that bring me to panic. I wish I could shut out the fears, the worse-case-scenarios, the dread, nightmares. I wish I could shut it all out.

My life should be relatively carefree.

Twisting around and around the willow tree
dancing round and round
an eddy of thoughts
whirling, swirling
down down down
into the depths
deeper deeper deeper
creeping in on the sun
drowning out the light
suspending all in its depths

The Police – Every Breath You Take

Lost and found

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.

I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.

This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.

Eminem – The Monster (Explicit) Ft. Rihanna

Tiger In My Mind

My mind is trapped
lost in on itself
tangled in a web
a fog thick as thieves
stealing my fondest of
memories
what is memory
a window on a forgotten
world
a realm of what was
and what we think it was
or has been

Where do thoughts go
once lost to time
to illness
to that space of neverwhere
here or there
gone
in a mist of dullness
numbness
cold fingers liking down
my spine

So many wonderful things
lost to the ravages of the tiger
in my mind
it tears even the strongest of bonds
swallowing them whole
leaving nothing
behind