“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place

unspoken to

watering a plant.”
Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell

Fitting poem for today. I think I now understand why my doctor wanted me off work longer. I am tired as fuck.

My new anxiety/depression medication is working great. My new sleep medication…yeah…it leaves a little to be desired.


I had my chiropractor suggest a clinic an hour away that treats hormonal issues. She mentioned that many of my symptoms could be caused by a hormone imbalance. Unfortunately, I have used so much time already for orthodontic work, eye care, dental care, doctors, physiotherapist…one over an hour away will have to wait until next year I fear.

I’m not one to swear a lot in my writing, but today is a swear worthy day. I feel like a train wreck happening in slow motion. You know that the train is going to derail, but you try to think of a way to stop because you think you have time, but time is part of the illusion and delusion.

Exhaustion headaches, numbness in my scalp, brain fog, numbness…oh wait, I already said that.

Bright side – it’s almost the weekend and I can have a bit of rest as it is a long weekend. I have an old friend coming over for a barbecue this evening, and hope to be asleep before 9 tonight…hope. I always have hope. Maybe that’s part of the delusion.

I’m tired as fuck with no end in sight.

Well…maybe I can knit or colour tonight too…that’s a silver lining for me…or game. Sidebar – the new WoW expansion (Legion) is freaking awesome.

The Tragically Hip – Tired As Fuck

Comfortably numb?

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” John Milton, Paradise Lost

The doctor has added another medication to my list – one for the anxiety. I think it’s working…or maybe it’s the lack of sleep making me so numb. I feel completely zoned out, sometimes so hyper focused I don’t hear what people say to me.

The pros of being on a ADD medication and an anxiety medication when you have MS is that I am now able to stay awake and focus. My anxiety today is – well – null. The con – I feel numb. Comfortably numb maybe? I don’t know. All  I know is that for the first time in months I don’t feel worried or scared or completely awful. I was awake at 3:30 am thanks to my tot and I am still functional at 2:35 pm.

This hasn’t happened to me in about 20 years. It’s an interesting sensation – functional, awake. I wonder if I only think I am numb because my mind isn’t racing a million miles an hour. Is this what normal feels like? It’s…interesting.

If I had to describe it or ascribe words to it, I would say I feel like an automaton (if one can know what that feels like), a manikin, something less than real. It’s very surreal to not have my mind racing. I like not having a panic attack (been having them almost daily), but I’m not sure how much I am enjoying the silence. It’s odd. Off-putting.

hmmm. I guess for now I’ll just have to be comfortably numb…

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb

In for a Penny, In for a Pound

“if you take care of the pennies, the pounds will take care of themselves.” ― Jeffrey Archer, Mightier than the Sword

I’ve talked before about wanting to lose weight. How desperate I am to shed the pounds and be healthy. It’s funny how in the race to gain health, I have gained seven prescription drugs, one over the counter drug, and six types of supplements.

That’s 14 different types of medications and vitamins that have a possibility of reacting with each other.

Take that in.


What are they all for? Advair, singulair, salbutamol, nasonex, and reactine (the only OTC) for asthma and allergies. Citalopram for anxiety (LOL it’s not working). Modafinil in the morning to help me stay awake and focused…Zoplicone at night to get me to sleep. Yay MS and allergies and asthma…and ADHD.

To help my cognition I also take Nutrasea Omega 3 with 1000 UI of vitamin D, then I take 5000 UI of pill form vitamin D, a multivitamin, acidophilus, adrenna sense (for my adrenal glands), and powder form greens.

This list isn’t counting the Advil and Tylenol I take for pain. The Melatonin for nights I can’t sleep even with the zoplicone.

At 41 I feel like the most unhealthy person I know…and my dad is 76 with COPD.

It’s funny how putting it all out there really kind of knocks some perspective into it. What can I stop taking? What is interacting with what? What do I really need to take versus what is just a bandaid? How the hell am I supposed to be active and cognitively functional with all this shit in my body!?

I’m no doctor, but I can say – I have had enough. My goal over the next year is not just to lose weight, it’s to get off of all the meds I possibly can. Stop saying I can’t, and start saying I CAN. I’m old enough to know when I am doing nothing but making excuses.

Time to clean house and get moving.

Britney Spears – Work Bitch


“Behind every stressful thought is the desire for things to be other than they are.” Toni Bernhard, How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers

I am chronically ill.

That’s so weird to actually type out. I have a mild form of MS (yes, that really is possible – it’s not progressive, but I have lots of awesome symptoms *sarcasm*). I am chronically exhausted, chronically muddled in the head, chronically forgetful, chronically blah blah blah.

On last Friday I saw my neurologist again because the exhaustion, head numbness and brain fog were just getting too much. I can’t work well like that…at all. He suggested I could try a new medication. Something to help me stay alert. It works. But I hate that I am now on another medication.

Here’s what I take: reactine, singulaire, advair 500 (the disc), nasonex (yes, I have big time allergies and mild asthma which also affect cognitive function), citalopram (yay anxiety), imovane (occasionally when I get my insomnia), and now alertec to help me stay alert during the day. I also take vitamin D (5000 IU), a multivitamin for women, and nutrasea Omega 3. When I can afford it I also take pro-biotic (usually Bio-K which is freaking expensive).

I went through a phase about 6 years ago where I decided I hated medications and I refused to take them. It didn’t last. I was sick and had to work. I hate that I have to take so much crap just to feel 50% normal. I am so grateful that my illness is MILD compared to what many suffer.

I’m overweight. My size is the only outward appearance of my conditions. HOWEVER, I am working to change that.  I think that the alertec (called Modafinil here in Canada) will help. I feel far more alert with it. The last few days have been wonderful. Today is not so great, I woke with a migraine, but I’m working on that. I’m tired, but not tired. It’s a very odd sensation. I took my kids to a popular attraction on Saturday and carried my 18 month old most of the way. We walked a lot…it felt incredible to do it and feel great doing it!

Men Without Hats – The Safety Dance


I have found the last few weeks incredible hard on my brain. I’m unfocused. I’m trying, trying very hard to maintain focus, but the numbness, fog, and stress don’t allow for it. Rose coloured lenses are not in my purse, only shades of grey.

I go for my immunotherapy injections today. I get two – one in each arm. It’s in an attempt to reduce my allergic reactions to things like dust, dust mites, leaves, grass, etc. This will in turn reduce my asthma, theoretically. I have yet to see it work. Instead of taking fewer medications, over the last five years I’ve had to take more. Anti-histamine, singulair, advair, ventolin (when needed, not often), nasonex, etc. I have a pharmacy in my cabinet and I’m only 41. If I don’t make changes now, what will my cabinet look like in 10 years? 20 years? What will it look like when I am my mother’s age?

Healthy habits have to start somewhere. Starting today (and I just decided this), I’m going to find myself an inspiration or uplifting quote or song. Something to make me feel good, to lift me out of my fog and depression (yes, I have a pill for that too :/), and encourage me to move.

Today is a new day in a series of new days. It is my future, my children’s future. It is the beginning of a challenge, one I issue to myself. Everyday I am to be more positive, more mindful, more caring and loving of myself. I have often had this said to me, “If you don’t take care of yourself, how do you expect to take care of your family.”

“I want the freedom to carve and chisel my own face, to staunch the bleeding with ashes, to fashion my own gods out of my entrails…”
Gloria E. Anzaldúa

I love this quote – I know, it’s not uplifting, but it makes me feel strong. It makes me want to be more than I am. Combined with the song below – this would be and WILL be a ROCKING day!

U2 – Beautiful Day: