“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

It’s funny the things that can trigger memories and bring them to the fore.

A song. A word. An action.

Sometimes the memories are incredible. My friends and I on the beach. Sun glinting in my eyes, the smell of freshwater, the laughing, the ability to just be.

Sometimes the memories are just that – memories. A smell, a sense of déjà vu. A heartbeat skipped in a moment, breath caught up in the wind.

Sometimes, though, sometimes the memories are dark. Lost loved ones – buried six feet under, never to be seen in this life again. Harsh words. Regrets of actions not taken. An ache in the chest so deep it bears witness to the emptiness that lies within. It can be put aside, forced to lay dormant until that moment – a song comes on the radio, sudden intake of breath, burning in the eyes, memories of loss, hurt, anguish.

Why do the hurtful ones seem the strongest? What is it about anguish?

I sit here typing, Hurt on repeat. It is trapped in a loop, just as I am. I missed a step somewhere along the way. I’ve had others tell me that I need to be in the moment. I need to move onMindfulness, they say, is the way to let go of that ache, that stress, that hurt.

But how? How does one forget and move on? Maybe forget is the wrong word, but as awful as my short term memory is, my long term memory is strong, sometimes too strong…

I’ve let myself down. I really don’t know what I’ve become or who I am anymore.  I put on a good show, I act like I know. But I don’t, and I can’t start over, I can’t keep myself from falling away. Everything feels surreal, and yet so incredibly, solidly real.

Johnny Cash – Hurt

Tiger In My Mind

My mind is trapped
lost in on itself
tangled in a web
a fog thick as thieves
stealing my fondest of
what is memory
a window on a forgotten
a realm of what was
and what we think it was
or has been

Where do thoughts go
once lost to time
to illness
to that space of neverwhere
here or there
in a mist of dullness
cold fingers liking down
my spine

So many wonderful things
lost to the ravages of the tiger
in my mind
it tears even the strongest of bonds
swallowing them whole
leaving nothing

Better late than never?

I have sat down to write this post about 5 or 6 times now over the last few weeks. Once, it was going to be about the kids. Then the Moncton shooter happened and I was going to blog about those emotions. Baby was fussy when I went to write, so they never happened. Then I was going to write about how happy life is, then I found out that my old friend’s 24 year old daughter died unexpectedly, no one knows why. THEN I was going to write about how time always seems to slip away, then today my eldest had issues and my brain feels like it is nothing but mush. Yet, here I am, plugging at my keyboard because it feels good.

I need intelligent things to do. I need to work on my sudoku puzzles, I need to game, I need to study up on Druidry, I need to re-learn much of what I have forgotten from my university years (I have held on to my text for a reason). I want to learn many languages; Welsh (my father was the first in his family born in Canada from Wales), Spanish, German, Mandarin, Arabic, etc. It’s nice to dream big, but disappointing when the dreams fail to materialize.

You see about 4 or 5 years ago my memory got bad (terrible grammar I am sure). I split from my husband seven years ago and had been under a lot of stress (understatement). It didn’t hit me at once, it crept up on me. I hadn’t really known anything about MS before my flare up. I’d heard the words, multiple sclerosis, heard that it could be devastating. I didn’t know what it was though. 3 months of right side numbness, l’Hermitte’s syndrome, and my blogging brain fog and I finally got to see a neurologist. My doctor had a wonderful bedside manner. I remember telling him that I felt like a fake since that very morning I woke up feeling great! “That’s how MS works,” he said.

I’ve had 3 or 4 MRIs, my scaring hasn’t changed since that first (and only so far!) flare up. I am one of the lucky ones. My lesions have not changed, my MS is mild.

I’ve been under a lot of stress again. My 14 and 12 year olds are going through a lot of life events that most should not. I had a baby 5 months ago. I am not nearly as active as I should be or as I want to be. My brain fog is draining. I want to feel intelligent. I want to remember. I quite literally can’t. It’s depressing sometimes. BUT there is always a silver lining. I have beautiful children, a loving partner, and I am ALIVE.

What more could I ask for? Well, maybe a bit more money…but that’s another story.