Dream On

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

I constantly feel younger than I am. I turned 47 a little over a month ago. Forty-freaking-seven. I am the unhealthiest I have been in my life. The bariatric surgeon says she can’t help me. I felt lost.

Notice I said felt? I’ve have found my stride. I have found my group of ladies who want the same goals and are helping me stick to it. I’ve already lost some weight, but it’s not just the physical weight coming off, it’s the mental.

I’m a very introspective person. Maybe too much so, in that I see and acknowledge my faults, whilst forgetting to acknowledge my strengths. This season is always hard on me, however, I do believe that this winter has been very hard on most people.

The days are getting longer, though. I’m no longer getting home in darkness. The sunlight dappling through the curtains in my living room are proof of that. Even with the snow we’ve been getting, signs of the Spring to come are starting to show. I feel that change. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I can’t wait to be outside, doing yard work, planting, growing things – reveling in that sunlight.

I breath in deeply and can smell those days, I dream of them. Don’t get me wrong, I do like winter. I used to be very winter active – skiing, cross-country skiing, hiking, etc. The cold seeps into my joints now though, it makes me feel old with the creeks and aches that come with it.

As I age, my mind has been left young. I am forgetful, I do struggle with some things I didn’t before, but when I look in the mirror, that image is not who I picture in my mind. I’m working of bringing those two images together into the one I want to be, the one I should be.

Meanwhile, I will dream on about the spring and summer. I will dream about being fit and working on my goals. Most of all, I will dream of having inner peace and loving myself.

Aerosmith – Dream On

Free your mind

“Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” ― Zhuangzi

Mental health has been at the front of my mind these past few weeks.

Learning more about me, remembering that I cannot control everything, trying to go with the flow and remembering I am not my depression in particular.

Realizing that I cannot control how others act or treat others is a big one for me. Something I realize I need to learn is when to speak up and when to sit down and listen.

I sit back and watch the world go by. Should I speak up? I question everything.

En Vogue – Free Your Mind

Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

This song seems so apropos for the mood of the day…

Songwriters: HETFIELD JAMES ALAN / ULRICH LARS / HAMMETT KIRK L
WELCOME HOME(SANITARIUM) lyrics © Creeping Death Music

“Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
Just labelled mentally deranged

Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, No windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred

Sleep my friend and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can’t they see it’s why my brain says Rage

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what’s out there
And cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I’m insane

They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
He’s getting better, can’t you tell?

No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
But they think this saves us from our Hell

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Fear of living on
Natives getting restless now
Mutiny in the air
Got some death to do
Mirror stares back hard
Kill, it’s such a friendly word
Seems the only way
Of reaching out again.”

Metallica – Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

Changes

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometimes I look at my life, my world, and I wonder how in the ever loving fawk I ended up where I am.

I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts at times because of the stress that I am under.

I had an ache deep in my chest most of yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, dealing with school and mental health for one of my children. I felt defeated all day. My child has a huge heart. My child means the world to me (all my children do). My child has broken my heart more times than I care to recount and has challenges that may never be solved.

Any parent of a high needs child can tell you that, as caregivers, it is often a thankless, stressful position to be in. You KNOW that they love you and you love them unconditionally, but their needs take precedence over so much of your life that other areas falter and fail. Burn out is common, exhaustion, stress born illnesses are common as well.

Changes are need – it’s hard. Oh gawd, I know it is hard. You HAVE to take time for YOU. No matter how infinitesimal, no matter what it is – you need to take that time and embrace it. No more guilt. Guilt is often a frequent emotion for parents.

I began knitting (again) as a form of ‘me’ time. I may not always get out of the house, but I can sit, watch Doctor Who, and knit and I feel at peace. It is my meditation, my time. It’s not a huge change, but change doesn’t always have to be! Baby steps.

Working towards a healthier me is also a step I have taken – eating healthier, going to bed earlier, getting more exercise. What seemed impossible just a few short months ago is so, so possible now! I’ve started to (FINALLY!) lose weigh after years of struggling, though I’ve had health challenges lately, in general that is improving too!

Make sure you have a support team – even if that is a team of one! You NEED someone. You can’t be the rock your child needs if you are crumbling to dust…Even mountains need a foundation to build on. I’m so fortunate that I have an amazing family network and friend network. There is ALWAYS someone I can talk to.

Let it out. Holding in that pain and hurt from your day will only make you feel worse and takes a toll on your health. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I took the long way to learn it. I hold very little back anymore. It’s a change that I have learned with time.

Love yourself. This is one change that I am still struggling with. It is needed, and is probably one of the most difficult ones.

Let others help. Sometimes letting go is the most amazing thing you can do for your child. Allowing someone else to guide them is sometimes the most important thing that can happen. It sucks ass. As a parent, you want to be the ONE. That isn’t always possible.

I’m tired. I think that is all I have in me for today. If my advice helps even one parent of a special/high needs child than I am grateful and happy for it.

Peace all and remember to love yourself.

David Bowie – Changes

 

Darkness

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Mental illness is a funny thing. One minute you are on top of the world and the next – the world is on top of you.

I’ve not posted this week till now, I know. I’m exhausted, not getting sleep. I’ve a ton of work to do. But I’m also 99% sure I am very depressed. I don’t want to type, I don’t want to drive, I don’t want to game, I don’t want to read, I just want to sleep.

The negative thoughts have invaded and their beastly claws have dug in for the fight.

I had to pull off the road on my way home last night from work. I tried calling my husband. He was on his way to his work and didn’t get my call.

Sometimes, the negative outweighs all the shinnies. I feel useless, pathetic, fat, ugly. I feel like I’m only good as a milk source for my youngest, money for my two eldest, and not much of anything for my husband.

I’m not much of anything to anyone.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders, chest. It won’t slough off.

People who have never experienced this thinks you can just draw up some positive thinking and swipe it away…it’s NOT that easy and I am sick to death of people telling me it’s all in my head. Is my MS in my head? Are my allergies in my head? My asthma? No they aren’t, and all three are known to cause plenty of issues.

I’m not a fucking cheerleader. I am not going to be plucky and happy 24/7. I feel like the world is crumbling apart. Next week, I may be that fucking cheerleader again – smiling away, happy…

Why do I write this? Because someone out there may feel like me and it may help them to know they are NOT alone, that they are not the only one struggling.

It’s so lonely.

Type O Negative – Black No.1