Tag: Oscar Wilde

Dream On

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

I constantly feel younger than I am. I turned 47 a little over a month ago. Forty-freaking-seven. I am the unhealthiest I have been in my life. The bariatric surgeon says she can’t help me. I felt lost.

Notice I said felt? I’ve have found my stride. I have found my group of ladies who want the same goals and are helping me stick to it. I’ve already lost some weight, but it’s not just the physical weight coming off, it’s the mental.

I’m a very introspective person. Maybe too much so, in that I see and acknowledge my faults, whilst forgetting to acknowledge my strengths. This season is always hard on me, however, I do believe that this winter has been very hard on most people.

The days are getting longer, though. I’m no longer getting home in darkness. The sunlight dappling through the curtains in my living room are proof of that. Even with the snow we’ve been getting, signs of the Spring to come are starting to show. I feel that change. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I can’t wait to be outside, doing yard work, planting, growing things – reveling in that sunlight.

I breath in deeply and can smell those days, I dream of them. Don’t get me wrong, I do like winter. I used to be very winter active – skiing, cross-country skiing, hiking, etc. The cold seeps into my joints now though, it makes me feel old with the creeks and aches that come with it.

As I age, my mind has been left young. I am forgetful, I do struggle with some things I didn’t before, but when I look in the mirror, that image is not who I picture in my mind. I’m working of bringing those two images together into the one I want to be, the one I should be.

Meanwhile, I will dream on about the spring and summer. I will dream about being fit and working on my goals. Most of all, I will dream of having inner peace and loving myself.

Aerosmith – Dream On

Rich Girl

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” ― Oscar Wilde

I’ve been reminiscing so much over the last long while. My eldest just turned 18. She has her learner’s permit to drive. I think her reaching these milestones has brought on a wave of memories long since buried for me.

The aromas of the past linger on my senses. The yearning for those days tugs at my spirit.

I was so fucking care free.

I’m not sure how else to word that. I don’t normally curse in my writing, but the feeling is so intense. I had so much freedom and, yet, I restrained myself in chains of convention. I still do.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot buy back my past. I can’t remove the creases of time. I can’t erase the scars of life.

No matter how hard I want to, I can’t let go…let go of anxiety, depression, sickness.

I’m so desperate to lose weight, be healthy, that I’m forgetting to live along the way.

Would it not be incredible if everyone had the ability to afford proper nutrition, prepped for you when needed? Would it not be incredible if everyone had the ability to get the help they needed, when they needed it and how they needed it?

If I were to be rich, I would be able to do all that and more.

But I’m not.

I guess for now, I’ll trudge on my journey. Attempt to keep up with life, whilst trying to regain my life.

Gwen Stefani – Rich Girl ft. Eve

Marco Polo

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“One thing you can’t hide – is when you’re crippled inside.” ― John Lennon

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Life often throws us curves and sends us on a voyage across a sea of emotions.

They sway and stagger with the rise and fall of the waves being thrown their way.

For some, it is easy to hide. For others – they simply try to navigate through the waves as best they can with the tools they have.

I wonder, sometimes, how ancient mariners navigated the open oceans with no idea what they would or could encounter. How do our lives even compare to that massive unknown.

Looking up at the night sky, I wonder how my ancestors made their way in life. Did they let their emotions roll them or did they flow with the currents…

Loreena McKennitt – Marco Polo

Dream On a.k.a It’s 2017, Let’s do this

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“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist    

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora

I couldn’t pick which quote I wanted more today. They are both so apropos.

I dream big. I fear big. This causes an unending stream of anxiety and depression with massive ups, and terrible downs.

I love to create. I love knitting, reading, crafting, writing. My body, though, hates me. My wrist cause painful numbness in my hands (carpal tunnel), my back and neck crick and crack (osteoarthritis in my upper spine), my hips bemoan me (bursitis, sciatica – I fell down some stairs almost two years ago and still have not healed). My knees snap and crackle with derision (possibly arthritic), my feet prickle and groan when I walk (plantar fasciitis), and the mind grows exhausted; ever fighting the good fight (Multiple sclerosis).

I still dream big. I dream of being so healthy that not even my kids can keep up. I dream of hiking again in the woods, following what ever deer trail presents itself. I dream of creating creatures from clay, writing my ever more distant novel, completing a tome of poetry. I dream of recording myself reading to my youngest, singing lullabies, rocking it out at a concert without needing a seat close by.

I dream of being free of anxiety and fear. Confident in every stride I take, every word I write, every thought spoken.

I dream that this year I will finally find a way to make it all happen. That the pain, fear, anxiety, exhaustion will all fall away with the spring rains, and never return.

A woman can dream, right?

Aerosmith – Dream On

Lost and found

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“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.

I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.

This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.

Eminem – The Monster (Explicit) Ft. Rihanna