Machine

“Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune

Modern age. Are we really so modern?

Trapped by the screens of our lives

Endless typing, skimming, surviving.

Anyone really alive anymore?

Cogs in the wheels of the master’s machines. Need money – borrow it! Need food – use your borrowed money, don’t make it yourself! Easy! Convenient! Stress, anxiety, depression, sickness…death.

Were simpler times really that simple? Toil for your food, toil for your bed, sludge through the drudgery of mud and decay to survive another day. Was there anyone really living?

Parts of great machines, we are. The anarchists try to clog up the gears, but it keeps chugging on.

Buy now! Save! Supplements to make you fit, lean, healthy! Big pharm, big alternative health, big money – now! Is there anything real anymore?

The machine keeps on trucking forward.

Extinctions, pestilence, plagues, climate, ignorance…a self-proclaimed end of days that the machine keeps sloughing towards.

A few try to break the cycle. Merely gnarls in the trunk of the axles that spin the wheels. The cogs stuck in congestion of traffic, smog or fog?

The machine keeps churning on…

 

Imagine Dragons – Machine

Gold Old Days

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”  ― Michel Foucault

“…you are battered and bruised in the collisions between reminiscence and reality.” 
― David EaglemanSum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives

I’ve caught myself reminiscing frequently of late. I have such strong emotions attached to a time when a you me seemed so carefree. I wasn’t, but many thought I was and I never removed that mask for them.

This thing called adulthood…I don’t know.

On my morning drives to work, I am often struck by how formulaic we are, drones dropping the kids off at daycare or school, drones driving to work, parking, working.

I often catch myself yearning for the days when I had the energy and stamina to do everything I needed to and wanted to. I remember bonfires on the beach, friends laughing as we mentally toasted us all with another drink.

I remember car rides full of laughter, camp outs in the rain, hugs from anyone remotely considered friend.

I remember nights of excess with friends to hold my hair back. Nights of dancing until past last call.

I remember sleep overs full of music and talking.

I remember the wind in the windows of my old Pontiac Acadian – no AC back then. It was a 5 speed, 4 door hatchback. I loved that car. It was red. I would drive that thing everywhere – quite literally. Down back roads meant for ATVs, to the beach for an all-night camp out. hundreds of miles but on the engine that constantly rattled enough to pop off it’s oil cap. So many times I had to replace that cap – “Gwen, the oil light is on.” “It’s ok, I just need another cap.”

There were no cell phones. No computers, nothing fancier than an Atari that often got left behind, covered in dust. I can feel the sun on my face even now. The smell of Spring and Summer when we would just be.

I wish somebody would have told just how awesome those days actually were going to be…but I know I wouldn’t have listened.

Mackelmore feat. Kesha – Good Old Days

Roar

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

Some days I feel like a little mouse. I wander through my day, nary disturbing a soul. Other days, I feel like a muted lion. I’m roaring, roaring so loud my ears are ringing and yet no one hears me.

When I was young, I was bullied. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, but the low self-esteem and extreme shyness didn’t.

As I grew older, I tried harder and harder to break out of that shell, but succeeded mostly in feeling worthless and acting happy. My relationships didn’t last – I was too busy doing what others thought I should do, but pretending to do ‘my thing’.

That combination of low self-esteem, losing someone I loved, and keeping up appearances landed me straight into a marriage that I didn’t really want. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? I need to clarify – I thought I was in love. I had left someone I loved dearly due to what others said I should do and fell into the arms of a man I would never have normally even looked at. He could sweat talk anyone and even though his controlling ways grew over our engagement, I thought I couldn’t say no anymore because I had already said yes and it was expected.

Years later, after we divorced (I won’t get into the details of our marriage, I have two beautiful older children who don’t deserve to read that online), I spent a few months trying to find ‘me’. I thought I knew me, but I didn’t. It was tumultuous, emotionally draining, and a hugely stressful time.

Out of that time I met my current husband. We met online playing World of Warcraft. We were friends first and foremost. I never even considered sparking anything with him until one day I asked if he was on Facebook. He was – and the rest is history.

I thought I had finally found myself with him. I love myself husband deeply. He stood by me when I was diagnosed with MS. He stood by my little family when my kids became harder and harder to cope with due to disabilities. He still stands by me and now our three children (we had one little guy together). I feel like I will never be able to tell him or express to him how much gratitude I have for him in my life.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2016. Our lives never seem easy.

I thought I knew me by now. But I don’t. At 44 years old, I am roaring to myself and no one hears. I have an inner anarchist that is never let loose due to propriety. I have to work full-time, I have to be a good mother, I have to be a good wife, I have to be a good care-taker, I have to be a good worker, I have to be a good everything.

The only problem is – I’m not a good me.

Katy Perry – Roar

Antiques

“Vintage books, old china, antiques; maybe I love old things so much because I feel impermanent myself.” ― Josh Lanyon, Fatal Shadows      

I LOVE antiques. Maybe it’s because I love history and archaeology. Maybe it’s because I just want a connection with the past. Maybe it’s because I know my life is limited and I want a piece of immortality. Whatever the reason, I love antiques.

I was on vacation last week (yes, that’ why I didn’t post, I was too busy lol) and did a bit of antique shopping. I found a beautiful Sonora phonograph.Sonora2

You should hear it! I’ll have to upload a video of the sound. It’s gorgeous. It cranks up like a dream. I just need to find the missing front doors on it (hoping I can find replacement ones) but I may install a little curtain in the front for now for sound control (one with no hardware).

In case you are wondering, it is sitting on top of my antique singer sewing machine, it’s from about the 1880s, the phonograph from about 1910/15.

Rasputina – Antique High Heel Red Doll Shoes

Think

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.” ― Margaret Mead

YES! So much yes in this quote. So many times I listen to children and they merely mimic what they are hearing. There is no thought put in the words, merely mimicry of what has been taught to them to think. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I worded that properly to get my point across.

Since my children were very young, I have endeavored to teach them to think for themselves, to be confident, and to not fear telling others what they feel or believe. I’m not always successful in this, but I do hope I have managed to at very least make them want to think for themselves.

I am not sure what precipitated this post. I’m feeling a bit introspective I suppose. As two of my children near adulthood and one embarks of the journey of toddlerhood, I can’t help but pour over the past and see what I perhaps did right or wrong.

Life would be so much easier if everything came with a manual, wouldn’t it? HAHA! It would be too easy then, I would think. Life is much more interesting when living by the edge of your seat, no guidelines to direct you, no hand to hold.

David Guetta – Titanium ft. Sia