Under Pressure

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” ― George Orwell, 1984

This whole summer has been a stress bomb of pressure. We’re still trying to sell our house, my older kids’ dad died on Canada day (we had divorced long ago), we lost one of our cats, my adopted son was officially diagnosed with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder), my daughter graduated (YAY!) and has decided to join the Air Force.

I’ve been sick, struggling, working my ass off, renovating, cleaning, caring for everyone as much as I am physically able to.

Here’s one of my favourite pictures of my Indian Ringneck, Kira.


Not hard to tell she’s full of character…and she makes me so happy! Even throught all of the stress, ups and downs, and life – my pets are the best therapy ever.

Now – to find a house for us to move into! I had hoped we would be moved before the baby of our family starts school this year. Yes, I had one graduate (a year late, but she did it!) and one starting!!! I may be a bit insane…

Queen ft David Bowie – Under Pressure

Under Pressure

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

The last while I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. Physically, my head literally feels like it’s full of pressure – and I usually end up exhausted and with a migraine. Mentally, the anxiety attacks seem to be happening more.

I need to give myself a chance to breath.

My home life is stressful and I’ve been fighting for help. We’re finally getting it. I can breath a little.

My work life is stressful only in so far that I have not been functional enough in my opinion. I need to do more – my head is numb and full of pressure. I have a hard time thinking, concentrating, dealing with my task that are normally so simple to me.

My beautiful cat, Spice, somehow got out of our house on Monday – she’s so skittish and scared that no one can get near her and she will not enter the live trap we borrowed. My heart is breaking. She’s such a sweet tortie girl.

We’re trying to renovate our house and we are going on a whirlwind trip soon. Money money money – must be funny, in a rich person’s world…right? (thanks for that ear worm ABBA, I love it).

My expectations of self are higher than my physical reality. I need to remember that if I am not in health, I cannot care for my children. If I am not focused on being healthy, I will not be there for my children in the future.

So much pressure in my head and chest. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a month…I have to work. I am the sole breadwinner for my family right now. No rest for the wicked (with MS), right?

Queen ft. David Bowie – Under Pressure

Think positive, think positive, think positive…ugh

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.” Walt Whitman (Source: Goodreads).

I’m trying. I am really trying. People who are naturally optimistic or have a natural happy/positive attitude have no idea how hard it is for the rest of us to get there. It’s an uphill battle where every setback feels like 10 steps back instead of 1 or 2.

I am headachy. I have so much pressure in my face today that I ache. I have my MRI today at 5 pm. The machine itself does not bother me. I actually find it relaxing since I don’t have to do anything for anyone and nothing is expected of me. I can just lay there and get lost in the noise. It’s waiting for the results that’s nerve wracking. I know that if they come back next week, it’s not good. If it takes longer than I’m ok (I hope, or it just wasn’t important enough to drag me in).

I’m hoping for the later of course. But I am also hoping they can figure out why my head, shoulders and upper back go numb. That would be ideal. Something easily remedied would be awesome. MS progression, not so much.

Some days I just wish I could break free of all of it and be the person I dream of being.

Is that weird?

Queen – I want to break free

Don’t ask

Just enjoy.

Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls

oh yeah…the weather finally warmed up and Queen is blasting on the airwaves. I suddenly feel like I’m back in 1989, loving life and living for the day.

It’s going to be a great day.

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”  F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (Source: Goodreads {of course!}).

Beltane just past, pussy willows are showing up, everything is finally beginning to regrow and blown – I love it! Now to get healthy and start fresh. It’s a new day people – get out an enjoy it!

On Willpower…

I have the willpower of a bee during pollen season. I want desperately to lose weight. I want to be active, I want to improve my health. I walked to Walmart on my lunch hour which was a great walk; about 20 minutes round trip. I went to purchase some breast pads (yes, I still breastfeed, no I don’t plan to stop until he is about 24 months, yes I love doing it because I couldn’t with my first and it keeps his weight up).

I was only supposed to buy that ONE thing. Damn you chocolate bars by the cash! Damn you insignificant willpower! I bought an Aero bar. It was so good. It was not worth it. My stomach has had horrible heartburn lately. I try to ignore it, but that’s just stupid.

I need to figure out a way to stifle my cravings, kick my ass into active gear, stem the fatigue, and make the brain fog dissipate. Any ideas? What makes you stick to what you need? At 41, I have still not figured it out. That makes me sad and discouraged.

What are my excuses? Why do I fall time and again into impulse buying for cravings? Where is my willpower?

I’m afraid that I am forever doomed to be fat. That’s what I am. I am fat. I used to be tiny. I used to be very active, very strong (a friend used to call me Xena). I want to train myself to be strong and flexible again. The number on the scale is NOT what matters – it’s my physical self that does.

Queen – Fat Bottom Girls: