“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Self-sabotage. I do it. I do it almost daily. I do it in my mental blocks. I do it in my self-loathing. I do it in my journey to health. I do it without consciously realizing I am doing it.

I keep hearing quips in my head. Little fragments of happy-go-lucky sayings that scratch at my brain, demanding attention. “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “Baby steps!”, “One day at a time.” “Just keep swimming.” (Actually, I love that last one, Dory is awesome).

This past summer I have had more energy and drive than I have had in YEARS. I wish that was hyperbolic, but it is, unfortunately, not.

I’ve been cutting old death growth off of the trees around our property, cutting back overgrown bushes. Getting thorns stuck in my hands from old rose bushes. I’ve been cleaning up old growth and creating a fence of sorts from the old branches and growth (nothing garbaged, everything re-used of composted). I’ve felt more capable this year than – well, I don’t remember that.

Back at the end of June or start of July (brain fog, can’t remember when for sure), I fell off my deck. This wouldn’t be a huge deal, it’s only a foot tall. What is the big deal is that there was a big stump where I fell…and I hit is HARD with my left shin. I almost passed out.

Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago. My left leg on the inside (anterior) beside the shin (tibia) starting hurting like hell. I decided to finally get it checked, especially since I still have bruising on my leg. I had injured my tibialis tendon – impact injury. It caused bad inflamation (seen on x-ray). I was told to rest, take anti-inflamatories.

Ok, not a bad thing…right? Wrong. I see the bariatric surgeon on the 23rd of this month to see if I am ready for gastric bypass surgery. My health issues make it hard to impossible to lose enough weight on my own – even with all the work I’ve done this summer, including walking our adorable pup, I have only managed to lose two pounds. In order to have gastric bypass you have to do certain things. One of those is NO NSAIDs, which are anti-inflamatories. Another – 30 minutes of exercise a day. The exact opposite of what the doctor said would heal my tendon.

On top of the anterior tibialis tendonitis, I also have tendonitis in my left elbow and my carpal tunnel in both hands has increased, most noticeably in my right.

What does all this mean? Fucked if I know. I feel like the universe is telling me to stay fat and I’m flipping the bird at the universe – even the constantly numb middle finger.

It’s like the powers that be are saying fuck you bitch – and I’m yelling back at them to BRING IT ON.

Have I sabotaged myself this time? Maybe. Personally, I would rather keep my energy going than lie down and absorb it all again. I don’t want to go gently into anything – I’m raging against it. I’m over all this pain and depression. It is constantly trying to suck me into that vortex of nothingness. The spiral of stagnation.

Am I going to keep this energy going? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Bonus – our baby girl is getting bigger…she’s 40 lbs at 5 months old. Sweet Dahlia – she’s a handful, but I love her snuggles and her.

Dahlia at 5 months old

Beastie Boys – Sabotage

Blarg….something, something…Friday

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.” Kurt Vonnegut

I’m hoping today is a day filled with laughter, because I am bone exhausted and unsure how I’m going to make it through. Massive brain fog all week means being even more watchful for mistakes at work. Actually, I have to be watchful of everything I do, which makes everything even more exhausting.

Every now and then, I get down. Not emotionally down, but physically down. I push and push and push and then SNAP – I break. I have to rest…do nothing. Take a huge step back. BUT as any parent can tell you, that is not always possible.

You have to laugh through it, otherwise it will bury you.

Skrillex and Diplo – “Where Are Ü Now” with Justin Bieber

A break…

A break. Sometimes, that is all I want, a break. A break from everyone and everything. A break from all that I think I have to do. Then I get stuck. No break needed, the brain fog drifting in on ever expanding waves of – wait, what?

I started my day with a break. Baby fast asleep, older children still at their grandparents’ home. I thought I’d get to relax, maybe write, maybe even do that ever absent ‘gaming’ I so often speak about. I dared to open my game of choice. There are times I think that I have a minor curse. No sooner did I load the start screen of said game and – MOM! *sigh* Break is over. I think it was fun. Baby is up, time to run and clean and cuddle and snuggle.

So tired. Oh look, it’s not even noon yet. Maybe, just maybe, babe will nap and I can have a break. MOM! Nope. child #1 needs help cleaning her room. Child #2 needs help making his bed (at 12 he should know how. Note to self – teach him to do it properly). Rush to get babe to sleep, rush to help Child #2, rush to help Child #1, babe awake before that even began, dad in the mix AND…time to sit and feed babe while the cycle begins anew.

Maybe I’ll get a break later. Babe fell asleep on me. So peaceful. Typing one handed, at least this is a semi-break, no gaming though – I need two hands for that. A break to plant my garden would be nice, but it’s late July, and I have yet to change the soil in my plants. The soil the cat peed in. Can you feel my joy? The juxtaposition of the emotions and the actions make me want to laugh out loud.

Babe refusing to go back to sleep. He’s so damn cute though! Into the swing he goes, maybe it’s rocking will do the trick. Ahhhhh…a break…so tired. Zoned out at my keyboard, gaming not even an option right now, well, not until baby sleeps. Nope. Not happening.

Supper, soccer, shopping. So much to do! I need a break…oh, it’s bedtime already? The breaking of my day, time for sleep; sweet, sweet sleep.

Isn’t life funny. I take the greatest joys in the busiest, strangest of days.