Carry On…

“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.” ― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

I have an infection. A bad one. My pelvic lymph nodes are infected and the infection has spread. Needless to say I feel horrible…but I am NOT defeated.

I am so grateful for my changed eating habits. I think they are the only things keeping me going health wise right now. I eat a lot of fiber, drink a lot of water, eat a lot of vegetables, moderate portions, etc. If I was eating the way I was a few months ago I have no doubt I would be far worse off than I am right now.

There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.

There is always a smile to wash away the stain the darkness.

There is always a shoulder to lean against when life’s burdens become too much.

I am grateful for my children, even when they drive me up the wall (I’m looking at you 17 year old child of mine who spams me on my phone).

I am so incredibly grateful for my youngest’s smile – he brightens up my mood in ways I can’t describe.

I am so grateful to my health providers, my nutritionist, my husband – they are the shoulder I lean on and I know I have been leaning a lot lately.

I am grateful I have some answers now as to why I have been feeling so run down. A light has finally appeared.

Kansas – Carry on my Wayward Son

Lost and found

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.

I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.

This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.

Eminem – The Monster (Explicit) Ft. Rihanna

Will it ever end?

Little Mister and momma are sick…again. I’ve lost track of how many times we’ve been sick since December. I do know it is my second time on Prednisone in less than two months. Itchy, numb head, watering eyes, congested. Blarg.

“Hope is that beautiful place between the way things were…and the way things are yet to be.” – Unknown (Found on Pinterest).

I am hopeful that my next MRI (on May 13th) is clear, that the doctor’s figure out what is going on with me (severe allergies? I take my meds daily for allergies and asthma), the my Little Mister feels better soon. I am hopeful that my two teenager make it through this rough patch relatively unscathed. That their teens years will be remembered with joy. I am hopeful that I can develop a budget for my family that allows us to pay down our debt within 3 years.

Mostly, I am hopeful to get my health to the point where I can be more active for my children and myself. I want us to go on hikes again, camping again. I want us to be the active family we were and can be again.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band – Fishin’ In The Dark:

Spring Fever

Literally. Yesterday nearing four o’clock I felt incredibly weak and nauseated. Spent a greater part of my evening trying to keep myself from getting sick and stuck in my bathroom. Sore throat, upset stomach – oh what fun!

Needless to say, no gym today. At least the kids are feeling better and hubby seems to have avoided it…so far.

The clutter in the house will still be there tomorrow. My eldest birthday is Sunday – 15 years old. I need to sort things out before then. What a challenge – sick, exhausted, and needing to organize and clean!

I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it…this shall be my mantra for the week.

I think this song works for today – Taylor Swift ‘Shake it Off’ – yessssss