“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.” ― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
I have an infection. A bad one. My pelvic lymph nodes are infected and the infection has spread. Needless to say I feel horrible…but I am NOT defeated.
I am so grateful for my changed eating habits. I think they are the only things keeping me going health wise right now. I eat a lot of fiber, drink a lot of water, eat a lot of vegetables, moderate portions, etc. If I was eating the way I was a few months ago I have no doubt I would be far worse off than I am right now.
There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.
There is always a smile to wash away the stain the darkness.
There is always a shoulder to lean against when life’s burdens become too much.
I am grateful for my children, even when they drive me up the wall (I’m looking at you 17 year old child of mine who spams me on my phone).
I am so incredibly grateful for my youngest’s smile – he brightens up my mood in ways I can’t describe.
I am so grateful to my health providers, my nutritionist, my husband – they are the shoulder I lean on and I know I have been leaning a lot lately.
I am grateful I have some answers now as to why I have been feeling so run down. A light has finally appeared.
“Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no time for grieving Chiquitita, you and I cry But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you Let me hear you sing once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita”
– Benny Goran Bror Andersson, Bjoern K. Ulvaeus (ABBA)
This song really hit home. Today most of all.
When I was a teen, I lost my best friend. She was murdered. Today, 26 years ago.
I realize this song is not about death, but the sentiment is the same. I danced again, I went on with my life. Some days are harder than others – life happens, it’s not always fair or kind. Sometimes life is brutally cruel, so much so that you see yourself on a high precipice waiting for the wind to waft you over the edge. But life can be wonderful too.
This week has been hard. Between migraines, teens, issues for family and friends that make me want to wrap them all up in the biggest hug I can, it’s been hard.
But there are always slivers of those silver linings. I’m knitting a goat for a friend and I am loving the way it is turning out, even though it is a crochet pattern! My baby boy (I still can’t believe he is 3!) has been so affectionate and sweet that my heart feels fuller than ever. Even my teens seem to be having a better week as well. Money is tight, but when isn’t it.
I discovered my Charlie ‘girl’, is actually a Charlie BOY LOL! I had a great giggle over that surprise last night (he’s maturing into a juvenile and it just became obvious last night).
Then today hits. The anniversary of when life changed for myself and my group of friends. It really brings into focus all that I have to be grateful for. I have three really healthy kids. Sure, the older two have difficulties – but they are healthy. I have an amazing husband who is always by my side, yes, he has Parkinson’s – but it’s NOT a death sentence. I have been sick a lot, sure, but I am finally losing weight and keeping it off! I am more active and can see the changes in me! I can knit – wow, that alone I a big deal for me! Just a few short months ago my hands hurt so much that I couldn’t!
I often wonder where Pam would be now had she lived. She would be 40 going on 41 in October. Would she have kids? Would she be around here? Considering I am still friends with the others from our group, I like to believe her and I would still be very close today if she had lived. I bet she would still be larger than life – gawd she was so full of life!
I miss you Pam. I think of you often. I think of your sister often and hope that she will have no more hardships, she has had enough. I miss your mom. I miss laughing with you and just talking. I still remember your voice, our last phone call.
I wish you could see us now – me, Gena, Rhonda – I like to think you do, and that you check in on us. Our ‘band’ was never the same without you.
“For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
Life is full of high lights. Some are hard to notice through the fog of our day to day trog through work and everything else.
Sometimes we get bogged down in the minor details, we slough off that crust of morning sleep only to get a layer of life thrown on.
Then those high lights shine through. Some are luminous and beautiful in their intensity, some are bare glimmers of silver along a dark cloud.
A soft kiss on the cheek from a sleepy eyes toddler. A purring cat stretching on your lap after a long day. A warm cup of coffee that’s *just right*. That spare change you forgot was in your pocket. A hug from your teen who usually rolls their eyes are you. A kiss from your love, even when you are both exhausted. A snuggle, a cuddle.
Life is full of simple high lights. They aren’t always dramatic or bold, some are barely noticeable…unless you look deal and see them shine.
I love this quote. It’s the background on my tablet. What does that mean though? Well, for me – it basically means that without adversity, without problems, you won’t know how brilliant you are (metaphorically and intellectually speaking). If everything was light, you would never see yourself shine.
I’m hoping that’s my present truth. I feel like my silver linings are tarnishing. My shine is dimming. My health is dragging me down. I know I have it better than many. I keep telling myself that it’s useless to complain, even to myself. But I’m having a pity party today and I’m inviting everyone.
My ears are plugged, I’ve had dizzy spells while blowing my nose, I am 99.9% positive that my cold is now indeed a full blown infection (especially if the nose leavings are any proof). I have absolutely no energy and even sitting at my desk at work today is a testament of my strength.
There it is. I am strong. I am here, at work, sick as can be – but I am here. I am far stronger than I give myself credit for. I am far more capable than I believe. I may be physically fighting off some illness, but I am still strong.
That’s my silver lining for today. In my darkness, I see the star that I am, that I can be.
Life Through My Eyes 