“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place

unspoken to

watering a plant.”
Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell

Fitting poem for today. I think I now understand why my doctor wanted me off work longer. I am tired as fuck.

My new anxiety/depression medication is working great. My new sleep medication…yeah…it leaves a little to be desired.


I had my chiropractor suggest a clinic an hour away that treats hormonal issues. She mentioned that many of my symptoms could be caused by a hormone imbalance. Unfortunately, I have used so much time already for orthodontic work, eye care, dental care, doctors, physiotherapist…one over an hour away will have to wait until next year I fear.

I’m not one to swear a lot in my writing, but today is a swear worthy day. I feel like a train wreck happening in slow motion. You know that the train is going to derail, but you try to think of a way to stop because you think you have time, but time is part of the illusion and delusion.

Exhaustion headaches, numbness in my scalp, brain fog, numbness…oh wait, I already said that.

Bright side – it’s almost the weekend and I can have a bit of rest as it is a long weekend. I have an old friend coming over for a barbecue this evening, and hope to be asleep before 9 tonight…hope. I always have hope. Maybe that’s part of the delusion.

I’m tired as fuck with no end in sight.

Well…maybe I can knit or colour tonight too…that’s a silver lining for me…or game. Sidebar – the new WoW expansion (Legion) is freaking awesome.

The Tragically Hip – Tired As Fuck

One of THOSE days

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” ― Dr. Seuss

I think I need a lot of nonsense today, my brain woke up hurting (massive headache), and my wee one was up at 4 am – nursing till I finally had to get up and shower.

It is definitely one of those days.

I’m so tired, that after leaving the sitter’s I forgot that I dropped off my toddler. I was at a set of lights close to work and I had a moment of panic where I thought he was still in my van.resources facepalm on wiktionary facepalm on urban dictionary facepalm ...I wish I was joking. A lack of sleep can do seriously whacked things to your brain.


Ozzy Osborne – Crazy Train

Forcing Myself Awake

I have to go get my son at 8:30 from his play night. I could crawl into bed right now…I am completely drained. I carried a lot of stress with me today, and I didn’t realize it until after the pediatrician appointment for my youngest.

My youngest is 15 months and looks like he is about 9 months. He’s almost 16 lbs; 7.22 kg or 15.9 lbs to be exact. He’s gained believe it or not. He’s grown too – he went from 26.9 inches last month to 28.7 inches today. Yes, we celebrated. His last remaining test came back negative (our pediatrician is awesome and wanted to play it safe and rule out a bunch of bad stuff). He’s still below the 3rd percentile (not a typo) BUT he’s growing, he’s super freaking happy, he’s just as sweet as came be and he is HEALTHY.

I worry. Who wouldn’t? Mostly I worry that people who don’t know us will think we’re starving him. The opposite is true – we try to feed him everything and bulk up what he does eat with butter and pure maple syrup and formula and pediasure…and…and…you get the idea. My little baby is super fussy and we’ve tried and tried to get him to eat a variety of foods (fruits, veggies – you name it, we’ve no doubt tried it multiple times). My two teens were not fussy, ever (not while they were this age anyway). This is a whole new experience for me.

2015-04-19 14.27.49

Seriously – LOOK AT HIM! He is so freaking cute! AND HAPPY and momma can chill out now.

*sigh* Now to work on that pesky weight issue…and positive thinking…and getting active…and to stop the wheeze in my chest. Oh right, I still need to stay awake long enough to get my older son.

It’s too late for coffee. The struggle is real. I don’t know if I can make it…hubby may have to after all.

I shared one of these before: Yellow Brick Cinema – 8 Hour Delta Waves Sleep Music: Relaxing Music, Sleeping Music, Meditation Music, Relaxation ☯964

It’s Really Nice Outside…

…and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Blarg. Baby napping with his daddy, I slept in and couldn’t sleep, but feel like I’ve been hit by a 2×4. Face is puffy. Ah, allergies, you’re so much fun! I feel like I could sleep for a month, but can’t. What?! How is that even possible?

I would LOVE to go outside and clean up the yard. OR better yet, open up all the windows and clean house. That’s an even better plan. That takes energy. Dang it! What is this energy thing you speak of?

No call about my MRI yet. I wonder if this fatigue is related to MS. I mean, I know MS can cause extreme fatigue, but is it? Who knows.

Coffee isn’t helping either…I just feel more tired. That’s weird, right?

Maybe feeling inspired will help?

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle Onassis (source http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/aristotleo119068.html?src=t_inspirational).

So true. If I focus hard enough I can see it. I have a great support network – family, friends. I can see that light at the end of this tunnel.

Owl City – Fireflies:

Crushing the Mind

I don’t know how long now this numbness has been going on; I know it’s been weeks. I finally called my family doctor as I’m feeling crushed. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember the word rhetorical. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it is. I love that I have a large and well-rounded vocabulary; losing any of it is a blow to me.

Sleep. A good night’s sleep would help I am sure, but when your 15 month old wakes at 2 or 3 am and nurses most of the night…well, sleep is elusive to say the least (yes, I am still breastfeeding – he is my last child of three and the only one I could successful nurse, WHO suggest nursing up to 24 months). Thank the Powers That Be my hubby is a good man who keeps up with most of the house for us. He is also a wonderful stay-at-home dad who works part-time. I told him to enjoy it, he would never get this time over again with our son (my older two are from a previous marriage, this is my hubby’s first biological child).

I need to renew my practice in mindfulness, yoga, and proper eating. I constantly fall off the train on them and I know they would make all the difference in my life. It’s hard. I would love to be one of those people who find activity and proper nutrition come naturally to them. Even when I was a teen I had to struggle to be active. I made myself join cheerleading in my last year of high school and did it for two years at university. I loved it. But it was hard to find the energy. I remember going to dances with my friends and being the only one to fall asleep at a table (I’m not joking).

Oh to get a wonderful night’s sleep and actually feel rested. I wonder how that feels…

8 Hour Deep Sleep Music: Delta Waves, Relaxing Music Sleep, Sleeping Music, Sleep Meditation ☯159 – Yellow Brick Cinema: